Long hours at work, hobbies & family

[saveahorserideacowboy]

Would like some opinions on this as not sure who is being unreasonable here.
My husband works very, very long hours average 6am - 8pm 7 days a week for months at a time. Sometimes it’s even longer hours. Occasionally due to factors affecting his job such as weather he will get a day off.

During this time I am responsible for absolutely everything around the house, life admin etc (3 children, youngest only a toddler). I also work part time.

When he gets a rare day off or asks for one - he expects to go and do his hobby. This takes all day. I also have a lifetime hobby which I don’t do for months at a time because of his job. I also sacrifice it to allow for rare family time when the chance occurs because this is more important to me.
I am very tired of having to do everything around the house, kids, life and work. I could cope with this if when he got time off he wants to spend it with us. But his first thought is always his hobby. He says not, and says all the right things but when the chance occurs he will kick off at me if I get upset that he wants to go off on his own rather than spend a rare day with us, or even let me go and have some time to myself away from children to do my hobby.
He works very very hard. I appreciate that massively and also that he needs downtime too.
It’s causing us a lot of arguments and resentment particularly from my side.
He won’t leave his job and I wouldn’t expect him to. I’m just so tired of it all.

I say this in jest (sort of)....you should leave him and go for 50/50 custody, you will then have enough time to pursue your own interests and friendships and won't have to do his housework and laundry either.

Presumably he was always this selfish, even before you chose to have children with him?

My exhusband used the demanding job excuse to avoid any family responsibilities. All spare time before we had a child and after was devoted to his extremely time consuming sport. I totally bought into the idea that his work came first and that he needed downtime to relax. Until I realised that I was basically completely alone in the relationship and a single parent.

It wasn't until I entered therapy (he convinced me that I was the problem and too needy) that I realised he was dismissive avoidant and couldn't tolerate intimacy. Hence the all consuming job and prioritising his sport over marriage and family life.

It wasn't until long after divorce that I realised that he only took 6 days annual leave out of six weeks allowance to spend with us. He must have been using the rest to pursue his sport but lying he was at work. Is anything about this ringing bells with you?

You need to have equal down time. Tell him how unhappy you are with the present balance. Ask him to take sole responsibility for specific household jobs (dishwasher, bedtime) and ensure you have equal amounts of time to yourself

I’m in a job where I can work 14-16h a day for weeks at a time regularly (out of choice mostly!) but I would never expect to have priority when it comes to downtime on my days off. Everyone needs downtime and when you have a family, some of that downtime needs to be spent together.

Do the kids even know him? It doesn’t sound like they see him much.

What’s his job that he can’t reduce his hours a little or take the occasional Sunday off? Is he in the Army and regularly shipped out?

Cycling or golf?

Everyone needs a hobby, but of course it shouldn't be at the expense of family time. The problem here is his working hours. What on earth does he do that's 14 hours a day 7 days a week?

Can he not work 5 days, have one family day (when he also mucks in with chores) and the 7th day you alternate so that one week he does his hobby whilst you look after the children and the next week he looks after them whilst you do yours?

Is he a farmer? Just from the times / weather implications in your OP it sounds similar to some people I know.

Why does he work 7 days a week ? It's so much, how did he think this would fit with family life ?

Thanks for replies. Farming related job but not directly farming. So yes totally dictated by weather and season and absolutely no chance of reduced hours in busy time. Just how it is.
I am used to solo parenting 70% of the year (he does work more normal hours for a couple of months in winter).
When he is actually at home and present he’s a wonderful dad and husband. I can’t express enough how hard he genuinely works, and this allows us to live a comfortable lifestyle but this also means absolutely everything falls to me. I’m just so tired of being on my own all the time and then made to feel like a bitch if I get cross that he wants to spend his first Sunday off in 5 weeks doing his hobby (like the last 4 Sunday’s he’s had off in the last 4 months).
I haven’t done my hobby properly since becoming pregnant with the youngest. So almost 2 years bar snatching a few hours here and there.

Can somebody please explain to me why so many threads refer to hobbies rather than spelling out what they actually are.

Is it really so outing to say golf or whatever.

I find it hard to believe that everybody who pulls this stunt has a partner that does something completely unique which will out them.

Sorry for thread derailment but it gets on my wick.

Sounds rubbish OP!

I guessed it'd be farming related (lots of experience where I live with friends and family!). Unfortunately obviously unless he changes his job (unlikely if it's his lifetime and passion) then the work side won't change. Harvest is a bummer especially!

Have you honestly sat down and explained as you have here? It seems rubbish, and if he knows his working hours are this bad, then any free time should definitely be shared and split with you and family.

My DH was a farmer and is now a pilot so I totally understand what you’re going through. When he was farming he would work 18 hours some days and now when he’s at work he’s fully away and uncontactable, therefore I am solely reliable for our home life most of the time. Like your husband he also needs some down time doing his own thing. Me personally, I quite enjoy it. I knew his career path and his dreams and I support them 100%. I know that everything he is doing is for us and we always talk about when we will finally have more time ‘one day’. There is no chance he would choose to do the hours if he didn’t have to, so I feel bad that he is so busy. I know it can be tiring sometimes, but it’s part and parcel of what you sign up to.

Do you have other family members that could come and give you some relief? Or could you involve your children in your hobby? There must be a way you can make it work? It took us a few years to get into a good place so believe me it is doable, you’ve just got to find a way rather than wishing for a different situation.

I think k this is hard but with those hours I would say he needs some me time if you are an introvert in personality (not behaviour) you need space. You can mAke me time during your off hours - he can't. If you are struggling then maybe you should cut down on your hours to give yourself some space too but I think that's a different question to the one your asking. In other words you both deserve space - he has limited opportunity for his and it's only fair you have some opportunity too

With him working all those hours, how did you even manage to meet?

I don't think there is much you can do about it. I suppose he's had this work since you've known him and he has no plans to change it.

You're basically around to facilitate his life and give him the social clout of having a family.
It's up to you if that is Ok with you or not.

Hire someone to take some of the drudge work off you and to give yourself some free time to pursue your own interests.

You need childcare. Join a gym that has a crèche so you can put youngest in during the day and go for a swim. Preschool and nursery. Get them booked. Get a babysitter. Childminder. Have 3 days per week to yourself and 2 evenings. How do you think other families do it. They buy in the services they need. Cleaners, dog walkers, gardeners, childcare.