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Original poster

Marriage without sex

12 replies

Cocopopsss · 04/10/2021 09:54

How normal is it to go without sex for long periods of time in a marriage?

I mean, I’m in my 30s and my parents didn’t have a great relationship so maybe I’m a bit confused, but is it not normal as you get older to have less sex? Is it normal to still be intimate in your 60s? 70s? I thought it was normal for sex to just tail off…

Really sorry, don’t mean to sound crass. Currently with young kids so sex isn’t on the cards much, plus DH has health issues atm so intimacy isn’t possible. But even then I’m ok with once a week, not crazy about it.

Have I underestimated the importance of sex in a marriage?

OP posts:
SpicyPickle22 · 04/10/2021 09:56

My grandparents are still having sex and they’re in their mid 70’s! Don’t ask how I know that I don’t want to go into it Envy < sick face.

Sillawithans · 04/10/2021 10:49

If it's more important to one of you then you have a problem. If you end up like housemates then it's game over.

frozendaisy · 04/10/2021 10:53

Depends on your general health first.

This is why we work on banking lots of sex memories whilst we can so if it disappears, not intimacy as such, we have many great memories to work from.

TimeToDateAgain · 04/10/2021 10:59

It's normal.

Sex continues through to the 90s for some couples. It all depends on relative states of health.

crossstitchingnana · 04/10/2021 11:27

I am 55 and it looks like it's over for me. No libido and vaginal atrophy. Thanks menopause. Thankfully my dh is now also not bothered. If I had of known this would happen I would have done it more. I miss it so much.

DameMaureen · 04/10/2021 11:42

@crossstitchingnana

I am 55 and it looks like it's over for me. No libido and vaginal atrophy. Thanks menopause. Thankfully my dh is now also not bothered. If I had of known this would happen I would have done it more. I miss it so much.
Get yourself some HRT and some vaginal oestrogel - that will sort you out !
Snowbites · 04/10/2021 19:22

I think it’s so variable. There is no ‘normal’ although I think it’s a lot more common for less sex after kids than you’d maybe think. Life is hard. I’m a GP so hear about this from patients a fair bit. For me personally - things have fallen off for some long while now. I don’t think either of us are bothered as neither instigates any sexual contact. I was content with this although now find myself having strong feelings for a work colleague - a different and confusing issue entirely as perhaps there are more complex issues at play than I realised

SarahBellam · 04/10/2021 19:30

I'm in my 50s and still enjoy it 3-4 times a week. For us, it's the single most important way of feeling connected. It's so good for me too. I sleep better and it sort of takes the edge of everything. I'm much more relaxed and happy when I've been 'strengthening my relationship'.

TimeToDateAgain · 04/10/2021 19:35

it’s a lot more common for less sex after kids than you’d maybe think… I’m a GP so hear about this from patients a fair bit…I was content with this although now find myself having strong feelings for a work colleague - a different and confusing issue entirely as perhaps there are more complex issues at play than I realised.

Reading about people's relationships on MN, particularly after children and the discovery that one partner is continuing to behave as if they're single with few family responsibilities - I've often wondered why anyone would find an adult child at all desirable or attractive rather than an adult. For me, extensive exposure to people living with addictions, makes me also question how long desire can remain feasible in that context (when others are living with the consequences).

Perhaps some people convince themselves that the libido has disappeared (and it might for sound reasons) only to find it reawakened when a desirable adult appears. (It wouldn't even matter if they were an adult child in other areas of life if they were an adult in this scenario.)

Starlight39 · 04/10/2021 19:47

I think it totally depends on the couple and the issues involved. My ex and I didn't have a lot of sex, I thought mutually but he ended up having an affair. I don't even think it was the sex exactly but more the need to feel wanted (not that he raised that with me - I'm not sure he really understood it all himself).

If you are on the same page and can make each other feel loved and wanted and give/receive enough affection then I think it can work out. I think the key is probably to talk about it and ensure you're both OK with it and its all out in the open rather than making assumptions because it's a hard subject to discuss.

rhowton · 04/10/2021 19:49

My parents still have sex regular and they like to let us know 😂 62 & 59

JustAnother0ldMan · 04/10/2021 20:01

It’s pretty normal I would say, people’s sex drives wax and wane, life / kids / work get in the way etc, for some people it will continue into 60/70s, for others, over by their 50’s.

A lot of people who split and meet someone new in their 40s/50s/60s will get a “second wind”, as such

But even then I’m ok with once a week, not crazy about it

Does this mean you want more or less sex ?

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