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Original poster

Dating somebody who is deaf

21 replies

Jae132l · 03/10/2021 21:27

I went on a date last night with a guy who was super gorgeous and had a really lovely personality. The only thing I really struggled with is that he is deaf he had 2 hearing aids in, and although he spoke lots. I just felt like he didn't hear me the majority of the time as he was just smiling and nodding. I think the bar situation probably made things worse with the volume.
Obviously its difficult for him but when we were walking side by side, he didn't have a clue what I was saying because he couldn't read my lips. Felt like there was lots of chemistry but the talking side feels so difficult. Has anybody experienced this before?

OP posts:

Marjoriedrawers · 03/10/2021 21:33

He's gorgeous, you can get past the hearing. Just give it another go in a different environment. It might have been difficult for him with background noise so try a different environment next time. This won't be as hard as you think. I dated someone with hearing aids and it wasn't an issue. Don't see it as an obstacle.

AtlasPine · 03/10/2021 21:35

You need to talk with him about developing strategies for listening. Of course it’s possible and you’ll get used to how best to communicate.

Clarice99 · 03/10/2021 21:35

@Jae132l

I went on a date last night with a guy who was super gorgeous and had a really lovely personality. The only thing I really struggled with is that he is deaf he had 2 hearing aids in, and although he spoke lots. I just felt like he didn't hear me the majority of the time as he was just smiling and nodding. I think the bar situation probably made things worse with the volume. Obviously its difficult for him but when we were walking side by side, he didn't have a clue what I was saying because he couldn't read my lips. Felt like there was lots of chemistry but the talking side feels so difficult. Has anybody experienced this before?

I've lost most of my hearing, so I can identify with the man you went on a date with, but not from your perspective.

For me, a noisy bar would be my idea of hell for a first date.

Perhaps you could try a second date in a quiet restaurant and raise the subject of his hearing loss and what you can do to make communication between you easier.

KintsugiForever · 03/10/2021 21:35

I dated someone who wore two hearing aids, it wasn't really an issue. As pp says, just choose where you go out quite carefully. We had some cracking conversations when in a quieter environment.

MaidEdithofAragon · 03/10/2021 21:37

I'm deaf..yep a bar and a side by side walk would be hopeless for me to hear anything. Go somewhere quieter and sit face to face.

ThePoetsWife · 03/10/2021 21:37

Make sure that he is watching you when you speak.

Consider going somewhere quieter. Use gestures and body language to help him follow you.

TimeToDateAgain · 03/10/2021 21:37

You need a different environment with less ambient noise. And you're right that walking side by side won't work well for you.

If you do need to have a discussion in the street (directions or something) then I can recommend switching to Google Meet and using that as captioning (you can turn it on) so you know there's a better chance of him knowing what you're saying.

MustDust · 03/10/2021 21:39

Pick somewhere quieter for date 2. Bars and walking and talking may not be impossible (depends on his level of hearing loss) in future but why make it hard before you know what works for him.

ConfusedbyCovid · 03/10/2021 21:40

Poor guy! Please meet him again in a quiet location, and sit opposite him where he can see your mouth to lip read which can help fill in any gaps in hearing.

A noisy bar would be very difficult with hearing aids as they amplify ALL noise.
DD has a hearing loss and it breaks my heart to think someone might not date her due to this…. She is so much more that the hearing loss and I’d hope any decent person would look past it

Finzi · 03/10/2021 21:45

One of my friends at uni was profoundly deaf. We struggled to communicate at first but after a while she got better at lip reading me (apparently I don’t move my mouth much!) and I got better at understanding her speech. So I’d say things will probably improve for you. But you do need to avoid noisy places or places/situations where he can’t lip read easily.

RantyAunty · 03/10/2021 21:51

I'm deaf.

If you want to date him you'll have to learn how to communicate.
That means you have to adapt.

Hearing aids don't make you hear normally.

A noisy bar or any noisy place is a nightmare for hearing impaired.

Go somewhere quiet and sit right across from him where your face is well lit and keep your hands and hair away from your mouth.

Reading lips is hard and tiring. walking side by side he's not going to be able to read your lips.

Your face has to be straight towards him so he can see your entire face.

Original poster

Jae132l · 03/10/2021 21:52

Thank you for all the comments. He suggested the location for the date, but I think future dates would be a good idea sitting face to face and talking. Hes a really great guy and his hearing loss is not at all an obstacle, I'm just wondering what it is that I can do to try and help with communication.

OP posts:

Kendodd · 03/10/2021 21:55

I had a good friend who was deaf, at times communication was difficult, other times it was actually easier.
We couldn't chat in the car for example.
My friend loved clubbing, we both learnt some bits of sign language and so could communicate with each other from opposite sides of the dance floor.

Peace43 · 03/10/2021 21:55

Yep, I married one and our DD has a bilateral hearing loss and is aided.

Get his attention before starting a new conversation - either by saying his name and waiting for him to respond or by touching his arm
Pick quieter locations or accept that he won’t hear most of what you say
Dont obscure your mouth and try to face him if possible
Dont try and speak to him from another room
Do ask him what makes things easier for him

You get used to it really quickly although apparently I speak loudly in relatively quiet places - 20 years of hanging out with the deaf!!!

My ex-H and our DD still don’t catch everything I say but i don’t need to make a conscious effort, that went after a few months of dating my ex.

Ticketybooboo · 03/10/2021 22:04

From someone who is quite deaf, you need somewhere quiet, face to face. Not too dark so that he can lip read and somewhere where he can have his back to a wall. I also think acknowledge the hearing loss and ask him what works and be patient. Have fun and I hope it works out for you both!

romdowa · 03/10/2021 22:05

I have low level hearing loss and a noisy environment is my worst nightmare, I won't catch every word and it gets embarrassing to keep asking people to repeat themselves. These days masks make my life very difficult, I have to ask people to shout at me and not to talk to me with their backs to me.

FangsForTheMemory · 03/10/2021 23:00

As others have said, the most important thing is to meet him in a quiet environment. Good lighting so that he can lipread is essential. Also, there are apps you can download that will transcribe what you say in real time. If you have an android phone, try this one: www.android.com/intl/en_uk/accessibility/live-transcribe/ so you put your phone with the microphone facing you and so that he can read what you say off it.

JovialNickname · 04/10/2021 18:11

As others have said, to start off with you need to meet him somewhere you can talk face to face, in a quiet environment. Good for him for suggesting a bar for a date - it shows he's flexible, unselfish, and happy to do things you like - but in practical terms it must have been the date from hell for him, hearing-wise!

Remember that if you do go on to date him properly, this will all become loads easier. You will become attuned to each other, and he will be able to read your lips (and even your minute facial expressions) much more easily. I bet that after a couple of months it wouldn't even be a real issue. He sounds nice, I don't think you should be daunted at all.

nomorespaghetti · 04/10/2021 18:20

You will become attuned to each other
Definitely this. My DD is profoundly deaf, she has cochlear implants, and I know exactly what she can and can’t hear. Now, obviously as her mum I’m very attuned to her needs, but I’ve found it doesn’t take long at all for new people to get to grips with what she can and can’t hear.

I won’t echo the above, but definitely consider a different environment, and always make sure you’ve got his full attention before you start speaking.

You could ask him if he’s got a radio aid/FM system or a steamer (a little microphone you wear around your neck that transmits your speech directly to his aids). They can really help to cut through background noise, and are a big help when not face-to-face.

workshy44 · 04/10/2021 19:41

My DH is pretty deaf and wears hearing aids, get used to repeating yourself - a lot ! It doesn’t bother me but a bar etc he wouldn’t be able to hear a word I say. He needs to be able to see my mouth. I think we should both start sign language as his hearing is getting worse or a lip reading course. It’s v isolating being deaf although I think he should be more open about it so people speak more clearly to him and make allowances.

Original poster

Jae132l · 04/10/2021 20:01

Thank you so much for all the advice, I'm defintley going to make adjustment for 2nd date to make it easier for him :)

OP posts:

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