Do relationships get better again after a baby

[Sunnylands27]

My DD is 15wks and has been v high needs since birth. We had a traumatic birth and we were in hosp for a week after which I think set her up to be high needs tbh.
My partner is not much help, he says I need to ask, my thoughts are if your baby needs to be held or cuddled pick her up, I shouldn’t have to ask - I feel like I’m constantly asking for favours like ‘can you have her whilst I put washing away, go to the loo, have a shower etc’ - these aren’t exactly luxuries IMO. He’s also been on 7x trips away overnight for various nights out or sports things since the birth.
Anyway I’m rambling but I just wanted to set the scene for our current dynamic.
DD is EBF which is so full on, won’t take a bottle or a dummy, and think I have PND ( seeing the doctor this week). Sometimes I just feel utter resentment towards DP and this can just come from being overwhelmed with everything & feeling alone in parenting our baby.
I’ve had to resort to co-sleeping as DD would not go down in the crib since 6wks though I’m trying to get her back in - last night she was up 8x but I made it through without bringing her back into bed.. all whilst DP was on a night out after a day out with his friends.
I feel so guilty about my feelings towards DP & want us to get back to at least spending some time together. Even just an hour in the evening, I think this would help us bond again. We’ve also now had sex now in 6mnths but IMO it’s just because we never have any time alone and DD wakes within an hour of being put in the crib.
I just feel so miserable about being a parent. I love DD so so much, she’s my absolute dream told. However, since she was born I feel totally disconnected from myself and relationship, there’s no ‘team’ and I worry that my life and relationship are gone forever.
Please tell me I’m not alone in this? Does anyone have experience of their relationship suffering but getting better again as the baby gets older and more independent (by independent I mean can be put down for 10minutes or sleep in crib!)

Should say NOT had sex in 6mnths

It never got better for me. In fact the only time he started acting like a dad was when we split up!
I'm certain there will be people come along with happier answers though :) From a mum point of view it does get much easier though!

You know the answer here right OP? He needs to pull his weight and pronto. This baby is 50% his responsibility too. He doesn't get to carry on his life as if nothing happened. 7 trips in 15 weeks? Seriously? He can plan and go away bit he's incapable of thinking how to be an effective father to his child. He needs a firm kick in the bollocks right now otherwise it will carry on forever. Where is your night off, your trip away? Remind him you expect him to pull his weight and stick to it OP, otherwise you'll be that person who does all the school runs, career down the pan because dad couldn't possibly leave work on time to do it, and comes home to expect you to have cleaned and cooked him meal like a good 1950s housewife.

Take control of this situation now..

Yes. It does get better. But early years with kids can be really hard and resentment can last many, many years. Be vocal about what you need.

I think I would feel resentful in your situation too. My DH was very hands on and the transition to becoming parents was still very difficult and took getting used to, if DH wasn’t pulling his weight I think that would have made things ten times worse. There is plenty your DH could be doing outside of BF, nappies, bathing, cuddling baby, cooking meals, helping with the house stuff. He should not need to be asked but it is clear that for some reason he needs to be. The endless overnight trips away do not scream committed parent to me either. Was he useless before the baby came along? This requires so serious conversations between yourself and your DH as if he continues on hos current trajectory it likely will require some serious reflect from you on whether in the longer term this is a good situation for you and your baby.

He sounds like a very bad dad and partner so I guess whether your relationship improves is down to

1. whether you make clear he is being totally shit
2. whether he listens to what you say
3. whether he changes

You can only control number 1)

No not in my experience x

It does get better if he decides to be a parent rather than an occasionally helpful when prompted onlooker.

& it’s no wonder you’re feeling the way you are - he needs to understand that you are a team and act as an equally responsible member of that team with you, now and forever.

Just because you’re EBF it doesn’t mean you do all the parenting & his overnights (from choice/for fun & not professional obligation) once a fortnight are a massive piss take! He needs to step up - it’s not ok. No idea how you get him to see that though, but it’s sad to read.

It doesn't get better if your partners an uninterested, selfish, useless arse...

It does get better if he can pull his weight.

Early days are tough and it can easily become a competition over who has it tougher. However in your case I think you deserve to feel resentful. Mine were EBF, fed really regularly and wouldn't take a bottle. They weren't great sleepers either. My DH did his fair share though and hardly ever went away overnight. I would have found that really hard.

You may find your DP gets better as the baby gets older and I'm sure having some couple time will help you reconnect. However I also think you need to have a frank conversation about him pulling his weight to prevent this becoming a long term thing. I would also suggest leaving your DP and baby home alone whilst you pop out for a short while so he gets used to being in charge.

Your DP is either
A a selfish prick who is leaving you to do all the childcare while he carries on with pre-baby life or
B afraid and overwhelmed by the sudden changes that the first DC brings into your life.

Probably the truth is somewhere in between, closer to A than B perhaps. He should not be going away on leisure trips IMO, and you should not be feeling guilty about your feelings towards him, they are amply justified. Of course he should find an hour in the evening to be together and you should be on the same page about how to find time for sex as soon as you feel the need. But you should also take him up on the "ask" question - it might not always be obvious when you need a break, I used to put the baby in the pram and take her out for a long walk, during which she would sleep most of the time, when ours were very small and DW needed a break.

Instead of you having to ask all the time, he needs some duties/times where he's the default, and if he needs a break during those times he needs to ask you.

e.g. From 6pm-midnight every evening, he's the default parent and does everything for DD except feed her. As soon as feeding is done, she gets passed straight back to him.

And/or Every Saturday he's default, and every Sunday you are.

And/or Bath-time every night is his job.

And/or Baby swimming lessons / All DD's clothing needs / Helping wean her / [insert job you don't mind giving up] is his to figure out and do with her.

Btw, is he taking any parental leave? Are you planning to be SAHM, and if not, would you be willing to go back to work after 10 months to have him be the SAHP for the last two months? It would be by far the best way to ensure he understands that looking after a baby isn't easy.

To answer the title of your post, no. It gets harder, especially if you have different parenting approaches and values about how children should be raised.

It won't get better if he refuses to pull his weight. i found it easier to bring up my DS on my own, it was easier than having to run around after my ex as well.
I put the blame squarely on your partner, he needs to pull his socks up.

I had huge resentment towards my husband in the early years as he works away a lot. Not his fault but I still hated that I was left largely alone trying to figure everything out, with PND and a fretful baby.

However, when he was home he was mostly very helpful and rightly so. He still ditched me more than he should have in order to play his chosen sport at the weekends. I still feel marginally pissed off about that but overall the feelings of resentment have passed. I no longer care when he's away with work (however our child is now 6) and actually quite enjoy the alone time!

As others have said though your husband needs to pull his finger out. He cannot continue with his pre child ways, the nights and weekends away need to seriously reduce for the foreseeable. If you don't make this expectation very clear now, you are setting yourself up for a whole world of hate towards him, from which you may not recover.

"Your DP is either
A a selfish prick who is leaving you to do all the childcare while he carries on with pre-baby life or
B afraid and overwhelmed by the sudden changes that the first DC brings into your life.

Probably the truth is somewhere in between, closer to A than B perhaps. He should not be going away on leisure trips IMO, and you should not be feeling guilty about your feelings towards him, they are amply justified. Of course he should find an hour in the evening to be together and you should be on the same page about how to find time for sex as soon as you feel the need. But you should also take him up on the "ask" question - it might not always be obvious when you need a break, I used to put the baby in the pram and take her out for a long walk, during which she would sleep most of the time, when ours were very small and DW needed a break."

This. Also @LannieDuck's suggestion of having periods during which he's the default carer is a good one.

Firstly, he needs to realise that he cannot just continue his pre-baby activities and he needs to stop his regular days and nights away. Time-consuming hobbies to a large extent get put on hold during the early years of parenting as does the previous social routine (though you will probably find you start to do a lot more day-time socialising with other parents of babies).

He may need things explained to him. My DH wanted to be helpful in the early months but needed to have things explained which seemed obvious to me. But when they were explained, he would do what was required. And except for going into work every day (no shared parental leave in those days), he was around the whole time.

In short, the way your partner is behaving is seriously not okay and it's not normal. He is letting you and your DD down badly. If he doesn't step up and start parenting, your relationship may never recover. So don't just rely on the passage of time. Make clear things cannot continue as they are, make clear to him what you need and give him the chance to step up. Good luck, OP.

But just in case he doesn't step up and you have to go it alone: yes, IME, things do get easier as your child gets bigger.

You talk about a relationship suffering and going back to how it was again. That makes it sound like the baby is a temporary hindrance and you can go back to what it was like when it was just the two of you.

It never goes back to that. If your man is a decent one, you stand shoulder to shoulder in getting past this exhausting, crazy initial bit and then you continue to work together. It's a massive shift from going to being in a relationship based on fun and leisure to basically becoming co-managers of a child and having to deal with all the associated tasks which can be hard and thankless work.

Some men are a bit shellshocked, fearful about not having a role or doing the wrong thing or looking silly, some are basically just shirkers who don't want to put the work in. I don't know what category yours falls into. It's a moment to grow up and become more selfless.

You definitely need to talk to him about sharing the workload equally. I think you sound like you feel a bit abandoned and the question about your relationship is about how to win him back over so he looks like he gives a shit because you don't want to end up doing everything on your own. It does get easier in time because the baby sleeps a bit better and smiles and plays etc, but the bottom line is that he has to want to put the work in.

I hipe that doesn't sound too brutal. It's early days and things do settle down a bit. I hope you get help with the PND.

It's totally normal for relationships to suffer with a new baby. Our second nearly finished my marriage. Yes, it did get better and 4 years down the line we're stronger than ever. The difference is that our problems were due to sleep deprivation and a huge life adjustment (along with some lack of communication and not understanding each other). Your main problem is that your partner is not acting like a partner in any sense. He's not respecting you, caring for you or even attempting to parent. It can get better, but he needs to make some major changes first.

If you had a good relationship before children then yes, I would say it does get better. I was in a very similar situation with my husband. My baby is now 18 months and I would say we’ve been good for around 8-9 months. Looking back on that first year, honestly, I was hugely overwhelmed, resentful of Dp because of this and just having a huge adjustment. DP is such a lovely dad now but it took time for him to find his feet so to speak.

Six years on and no, not better as we have very different parenting approaches I'm sad to say.

Thank you all so so much for your responses.
I have to say, reading them brought on a lot of tears, tears because frankly I’m just not being honest with myself about how badly I’m feeling & how badly let down we’ve been (DD & I), but also because I’ve messed up too & need to hold my hands up to that.
DP has been a shit, yes. But, after seeing the GP today I also did some thinking about the mistakes I’ve made too. I’ve become so used to doing it ALL that now any offer of help (V few & far between) has simply been met with me feeling too anxious to now let others help - what if they think I should be able to ‘get on with it’ or what if they can’t interpret what DD needs. In truth, I know DP never will be able to interpret her needs or get to know her if I don’t make him take the reins at times.
Spoken at length to DP about how I’m feeling, the rage. He was very good at listening & asking questions. He has also started just taking her off me at times, both last night and tonight he just started running the bath and took her off to do it. Though I admit last night I sat with him at bath time and cringed when he wiped her face with the flannel he’d just washed her body with.. I said nothing though as know not to criticise and left them to it - I don’t know when/how I became such an anxiety ridden control freak!?
DP has also asked his Dad & Stepmum if they would mind having DD once every other week for a few hrs to give us some time together. Anxious about this re how they’ll feed her but I think it’s very sweet that he went & asked for help, & hey maybe she’ll take a bottle from them ().
As for the PND, I’m so relieved to have spoken to my GP & DP. I walked out of the surgery & just sat in the car with DD & cried with relief.
I know this has to get better. Thank you all for your support, it means everything

Well done :)