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Original poster

Dating with children

16 replies

happyfrog1 · 03/10/2021 17:53

I've been seeing a man with three young children, who live on the other side of London from him, but who he takes to school each day, usually picks up, spends much of the weekend looking after. He tells me their mother struggles looking after them alone - as I would struggle alone with three. I respect him for looking after his children so devotedly. He is an orphan and talks often about wanting them to have what he didn't.

I have one son and an amicably separated from his dad and we share custody. Over the last six months, this man and I have spent time together in the day, which our work allows us both to do, but I know he is really into me - but - it's clear his children come completely first - which intellectually I feel is right - but emotionally, I feel sad I can't see him more or make any plans. Am I being too accommodating?

I have a history of anxiety in relations and making bad choices which leads to more anxiety, so I don't trust my own judgement. I feel a lot for this man - he is clever and kind and caring. I also find myself feeling jealous of the children's mother, which I don't like myself for. I should add that I really wanted to have another child, but for various reasons it didn't happen - so there's a weird jealousy about them having had three children together - non-sensical I know.

I'm 45 now and I would like to be with someone for the long term. He makes hints in this direction too, but at the moment, I often find myself feeling lonely. I'd appreciate any thoughts or advice. Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 03/10/2021 18:04

How often do you see him? At 6 months in, I would be happy with twice per week or so..

Are you absolutely sure he is single though? I wpuld have expected to have visited his home by now and to have stayed over on the occasional night where he doesn't have his kids.

Tbh though, his schedule may just not be really suitable for anything more than a casual gf considering he has 3 kids and a job to deal with.

Original poster
happyfrog1 · 03/10/2021 18:52

Thanks for responding...I see him abut twice a week, and speak to him every day, and yes I'm sure he's single. He doesn't get on with the children's mother, and I've been to his place. I'm just wondering whether I should be investigating in this relationship, when I'm so often on my own...

OP posts:
Original poster
happyfrog1 · 03/10/2021 18:54

@happyfrog1

Thanks for responding...I see him abut twice a week, and speak to him every day, and yes I'm sure he's single. He doesn't get on with the children's mother, and I've been to his place. I'm just wondering whether I should be investigating in this relationship, when I'm so often on my own...
Sorry - I meant investing not investigating!
OP posts:
premium77 · 03/10/2021 19:56

Seeing someone twice a week and speaking everyday is a lot when you both have kids. You're being needy

Snowdropsandbluebells · 03/10/2021 20:00

I think you see enough of him now but my gut feeling with these things is you are not fully happy this early on.
It's OK to want more Flowers

FreeElf · 03/10/2021 20:07

It depends if you are happy for things to continue this way. He is putting his children first, exactly as I would in this situation, but it means your relationship will come second for at least a few years until the children are older. If you aren’t happy and want more than he can give, that’s a choice you have to make.

Original poster
happyfrog1 · 03/10/2021 20:31

I think I'd be happy if I knew what would eventually happen - typical anxious response! I think I would like for us to know each other's children in time - though I know there might be issues along the way with this. I'm in no rush, it's just that we can't do anything that involves planning because he never knows when he'll need to have his children. I try not to project my bad experiences with other men onto this situation but it's not easy. He's a warm and understanding person and treats me well. And if he wasn't involved with his kids, I'd think he was a dog!

OP posts:
altmember · 03/10/2021 20:57

I don't know how he manages to fit all that into his day - work and school runs across London, sounds very hard work. Realistically he should be the primary carer with that amount of involvement. Men in this situation can't do right from wrong.

Original poster
happyfrog1 · 03/10/2021 21:07

His work is freelance and gives him some wriggle room but he is often exhausted. Sometimes I think he is superhuman tbh. I don't know how he fits it all in either. I think he would like custody of them but feels the youngest is too young and their lives are set up there. I think the mother has some problems and he also feels responsible for her, as well as a lot of anger. Now I'm typing this, I'm thinking what am I moaning about really! But I have a pattern of dating unavailable men, and I don't want to think I'm doing the same...he is emotionally very available but less so in person...

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 03/10/2021 23:03

You're on six months in. In another 6 months I would maybe ask him if he sees a future in the relationship and if so, would he consider starting to look for a place with you at some point in the next year. As is, you're only so months in so I wouldn't expect anything more than things as they currently stand, for at least another year.

Of course there's no harm in asking if he would like to get married again in future. And if he wants more kids.

Sakurami · 04/10/2021 05:13

I finsihed with a man because he was like this. Did all the school runs and saw them every weekend. So instead of splitting custody and having them properly, he saw them for a little bit every day with the odd overnight.

I have kids myself and they are my priority but there is a way of organising life and custody to fit in a relationship as well.

Viddy2021 · 04/10/2021 12:44

Hi, have you discussed meeting his kids? Six months in, that wouldn't be unreasonable at all. It would also allow you to see him more often while he meets his responsibilities as a dad.

Original poster
happyfrog1 · 04/10/2021 18:02

We haven't really discussed meeting each others' children, but maybe now is a good time to bring it up

Thanks for all the responses

OP posts:
KatMansfield6 · 04/10/2021 21:54

I met DHs kids about 13 months in (and after knowing each other for 8 years). DHs custody arrangements are less scattered but he does have them every weekend so it had a similar impact on our time together. Going very slowly with the kids has paid off for us — i have a great relationship with them. I was happy to wait but I knew from 6 months in or so that I was going to meet them at some point and after a couple of years that we were moving in together and getting married in the next year. If you want things to progress you do need to have those conversations so you both understand each other’s priorities.

Original poster
happyfrog1 · 04/10/2021 22:19

Thanks for replying. He just isn't very good at talking, despite my attempts to have an open chat about things. I can try again.

OP posts:
starbrit · 05/02/2024 06:48

Hello @happyfrog1 - this is an old
Thread but I wondered how you got on with your partner?

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