When you confront an emotionally abusive h

[Beelzebop]

I just want some guidance really. I have finally begun to question my hs treatment of me. He is verbally and emotionally abusive. I am grateful to all the posters and responders on here, as reading up has helped me so thank you. Have to be honest, his tactics seem textbook. I am a big softie which is why he's got away with it for so long. Now I've shown I've had enough and am beginning to sort ducks he's suddenly become all droopy. He looks a mess, quiet, sad looking. Apparently it's his depression and he doesn't know what he's doing or saying. My thought is that he is now trying this to keep me as he knows how soft I am. He has been given antidepressants but drinks like a fish. As I have pointed out, if it is his mental health causing his vile behavior surely he would be like that with everyone, not just me and my daughter. So I believe it's a tactic. What do you think? And thanks.

Definitely a tactic.
I’m not too keen on blaming his mental health for his actions, that’s just a convenient excuse to disown his awful behaviour.
He obviously has full control and actually chooses to use this abuse on you, just you, no one else. He does it to control you.
Now you’re aware of it and not putting up with it he has changed tactics and is playing the victim - look how your actions have affected him! He wants you to revert back so he can too!!
I suggest that you should be more on guard now as now you are becoming stronger and challenging him he may have to ramp up his abuse to get the same effect that he had before.

How else can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. These types all really sing from the same sordid hymn sheet.

Of course its a tactic and one that many abusive men use. He senses your regained resolve and strength too.

Many abusive men cite depression or mental health issues as use these as excuses to justify the abuse of their chosen target. Its all said to make you feel sorry for him and as a way to further control you. He is angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry.

You see him now for what he really is; now further plan your exit from him with due care and attention. Your daughter will also thank you for doing that because she in particular cannot afford to keep on seeing you as her mother (and in turn her own self) being abused.

If you have not already contacted them reach out to Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations (these people can give some legal advice)

Thank you for replying. I am trying to trust my gut which totally agrees with you. After twenty years of this though its hard to have trust in myself. I don't want to keep going on at family as it drags them in.

Twenty years

Poor you

Get rid ASAP

It feels like a bad dream

To be honest it is twenty years. I hold myself up as a terrible warning to all you out there in new relationships. The FIRST time we went for a supposed posh weekend wedding ( a month in) he waved red flags. I ignored them.

Have trust in yourself. You've had 20 years of this and you do not need or warrant another 20 seconds, let alone 20 years, of the same from him. This is really who he is; an abuser who has made your life and that of your DDs a living misery.

Use outside support like Womens Aid and trusted friends if you do not want to keep going on at family (though I would like to think they would not mind). Seek legal advice too re divorce if you have not already done so.

You are not and never have been a rehab centre for such a badly raised man. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none; this ought to be a mantra for your DD to remember as well.

Do not blame yourself totally here for ignoring the red flags at that time. You were perhaps very young and he swept you off your feet; these men are often masters of manipulation and abuse like described is also insidious in its onset. Perhaps at that time too you were in a low place yourself and or life was not great at home. He targeted you absolutely.

Isn't it awful. I know you're right. Attila, I have spoken to you before and you are speaking truth. I know. But my God, half of my brain is telling me not to leave, how can you survive? Its strange. My sensible brain is fighting it. It's the unknown.

Oh yes, he was gorgeous and dashing and confident. Everything I wasn't. He dazzled me.

@Queenie6655 it's amazing how the time goes if you don't do something. Thank you.

I left mine after 20 years of supporting him and defending his rude behaviour. He took ADs but drank excessively and would not engage with any other strategies to get better. He eventually flipped and attacked our teenage DS . I moved son out but had to stay in the house a few months longer due to Covid and had to suffer daily emotional abuse from him and his sister. I feel so much better now and DS and I have settled in our new home though we struggle a bit financially. Until we left I never realised the impact on DS of his dad’s behaviour. I thought two parents were better than one. Get out OP and live your life . Good luck

Thanks @sandgrown . That's what made my brain wake up, I've tried so hard to get him to get help. He won't.

Many women stay in abusive relationships for so many reasons; amongst them fear of him, fear of the unknown, financial concerns. There are other reasons too but those three often press the most heavily. I would urge you to feel the fear and do it anyway. I have never come across any person, man or woman, who has gone onto regret leaving their abuser. Remember too that abuse is not a relationship problem, abuse is about power and control and this man wants absolute here over you and your daughter. He hates women, all of them and wants to dominate you both and have you scared of him.

None of us know what is around the corner but that makes the future exciting too. You can rebuild your life here and quite apart from anything else its not too late for you to leave even now. Your daughter too will thank you for showing her that the only acceptable abuse in a relationship, any relationship, is none.

You also have a choice re this man, your daughter does not.

Your H has never wanted your help or support and besides which what could you have done anyway?. He blames you for all of his faults and failings. Its always someone else's fault you see, never their own.

I think you were just fine when you met him but sadly you did not see that for your own self. He targeted you and has further since tried to drag you down with him.

Read about codependency in relationships and see how much if any of this relates to your own behaviours in a relationship.

[quote Beelzebop]@Queenie6655 it's amazing how the time goes if you don't do something. Thank you.[/quote]
Ugh they are textbook aren't they

Awful

I'm so sorry

I lived through this and still get harassed

Thank you. I think I need to re read these replies. Try and crack the fear.

Emotional manipulation IS emotional abuse. So, yes, this new tactic is just more of the same.

It's so difficult to trust yourself. Thanks for everyone's help. Now I just need to work out how to escape.