Please tell me the positives of divorce

[LouLou198]

Dh and I have been together 20 years. We have 2 primary school aged children. A few weeks ago I had the whole "I love you but I'm not in live with you" script. He says there is nobody else. We had a good life together and I'm struggling to see why he is feeling like this. We are currently having counselling together but it doesn't seem to be helping. He says he is still willing to try and see if he falls back in love with me, but I'm not getting my hopes up and preparing for the worst. Today is a bad day, I can't stop crying and worrying about the future and my dc. Please make me feel a bit better and tell me the good things about life post separation.

Whether he has been unfaithful or not YOU deserve better than the way he is currently treating you.

Rather than looking for crumbs from his table think about what YOU want.

I'm sorry you're going through this

It’s early days and what you are feeling is completely normal. Be prepared that there may well be someone else. Men very rarely use the script when there isn’t.
As much as you don’t want this, and I know how painful it’s is, I would ask him to leave the marital home. Separate physically, this will give you the space to process your emotions.
Take each day as it comes, it does get easier.

"I love you but I'm not in live with you" script.

I'm sure somebody will tell you that a relationship survived after that but I don't know of any. (It's also rare for this to happen when there's nobody else involved.)

You can not have a decent relationship in your life when someone is occupying that space (no matter how poorly). Your children will be aware of the atmosphere despite how well you attempt to conceal it.

Do you want to stumble on in this relationship to see if you're both each other's 'better than the alternative' option? Or is it wise for you to start drawing up plans to end this at a point of your own time, terms and convenience while keeping an open mind from a position of strength?

I wish you peace of mind and heart, OP .

I’m sorry op. I have been through this, a lot of people on here have - it’s shit. There will likely be an OW in the wings so prepare yourself for that. Think about what you want - don’t sit there passively, letting him dictate what happens. If you can get him out of the house so you can get a bit of space to think, that would be helpful.

Yep. Happened to me. There was no one else. 3 years later we're divorced, happier in some ways, sadder in others. DD8 is doing well 50/50 residency.

Thanks for the replies. Just feel so sad.

So sorry OP. You're hurting and I really feel for you.

You are going to go through lots of ups and downs over the months.

There WILL either be someone else OR something has happened with someone... maybe on a night out or work. No one just comes out with that phrase. Ive seen it so many times on here.

I just feel the counselling is him going through the motions etc not being honest with you and maybe leading you on.

Get to the bottom of it...go searching, check stuff, think back has he acted strangely recently? Phone glue to him? Out with friends, working late? Feeling he should leave to 'give you space' or for him to 'clear his head' obvs investigate without him knowing anything...dont let on but Im so sure you will find something. He will slip up

Im sorry to be blunt but I fear this is the Script starting to rollout

There’s usually a point where Keeping it going isn’t viable any more because something has happened that you probably aren’t aware of or they genuinely don’t feel the same any more. It’s an extremely difficult situation, I’ve been through it. Focus on yourself and give them what they want, be it a divorce or whatever. I’m really sorry you are going through this but there is a good life to be had after the darkness passes, believe me. Think about what you want, don’t let the other person dictate (as previously said) and try and think clearly about what your life will look like after it’s all sorted out.

Yes - happened to me also. Conversely I would almost prefer that there was someone else - I feel rejected for being myself - but 3 years on 2 years divorced he is still living alone and is not happy either. We were together 25 years married 20. It takes a long time and like life good and bad days.
@LouLou198 I really hope that the counselling helps and that as a couple you can find a way. But equally as others have said dont wait for him to throw you crumbs. I did that and it made no difference to the outcome. Call his bluff and see how he reacts - when I finally did I realised he was about 12 months ahead of me and totally checked out already - the “talk” had been a fait accompli for him. So a year wasted.
It’s fine to be sad - the reality of separation is a gradual individual experience and you will find plenty of support here and hopefully IRL ❤️

It's a long journey and of course it's shocking and hurtful. It's early days. You will go through every emotion - like a bereavement - disbelief, anger, hurt, betrayal. You will feel like you've been robbed of your future and feel lost. And yes you will cry and cry.

What you will find out is that you can survive - you will survive, not least because if you focus on your children that will get you through. Things will get better I promise you. If you do divorce you will start to see the benefits of living your life as you want to, if you can't sleep you can get up drink a cup of tea or watch a film. You can see your friends, choose your holidays, make your own choices. And in time have adventures too.

In the meantime look after yourself, get as much help as you can from family and friends and give your kids lots of hugs.

What is the counselling about ?

I wanted to divorce for some time and regret that I didn't have the courage to cut the losses earlier. The positives in your situation are that you know where you stand and will hopefully be able to avoid hating each other to such an extent that effective co-parenting is difficult. You can also avoid a divorce when your children are teens - which is such a sensitive age without all the added trouble of a family breakup. Primary school children on the whole will adjust better and will be happy to visit both parents if you make appropriate arrangements for this. Teenagers are prioritising their own social life and hardly see parents in their own home let alone in a different house, so parent-child relationships can suffer much more. You can't make a divorce a cheerful, happy thing but you can create happiness at the other end of it, once it's over. I can't see how you can possibly achieve happiness in your current relationship. So in some sense, you 'win' by divorcing and finding your way out of your misery.

How you doing OP @LouLou198

@SortCode a bit better today thank you after a really good cry! A tough road ahead I am sure, just trying to focus on my dc at the moment and taking it 1 day at a time, as anything else just feels too overwhelming at the moment.

Oh bless you just take your time and dont be rushed into any decisions. Sending big hugs