Two way abusive marriage

[Nazza32]

In a marriage that feels completely broken. Been together for 10years, married since 2015 and we have two very young children.
We argue constantly, small disagreements over trivial things always descend into arguments about long burning issues and resentments which get brought up again and again.
He’s verbally abusive, and I can be too but I strongly feel that my responses are more in defence rather than instigating. I’ve thrown things at him in the heat of the moment when he’s been screaming at me (saying no one cares about you, you’re mentally ill, you do F-all, you’re falling apart and so on). Things like cutlery (threw some spoons at him whilst we were arguing at the dinner table) and more recently a butter dish. I’m extremely ashamed of that and know it is not acceptable to behave like that, but I am also having a hard time apologising when he’s so verbally abusive and it triggers me to a point where I can’t control my anger at the time and just want him to stop saying bad things to me. There is honestly no intention to physically harm him, it’s a reaction to get him to stop. But I still know it is inexcusable and i hate the way I am when these arguments escalate. At the same time it’s like he doesn’t have to face up to his own behaviour and verbal abuse because the fact that I’ve been violent trumps anything he has done.
I’ve suggested marriage therapy several times but he refuses.
I can’t see a way of things getting better between us without professional help. I’m on the waiting list with a recommended therapist - something I want to do for myself regardless of what happens with our relationship.
Worried about the effect it’s going to have on our children if this continues.
Just looking for anyone who has been in a similar situation.

It will already be having an effect on your children because they will hear the arguments and pick up on the tension.

I think you need to separate for their sake (and your own).

Sounds very toxic OP. If he’s at all reasonable, he should be willing to agree to basic ground rules in arguments:

1. Don’t bring up past argument or issues.
2. No name calling/insults
3. If the above are broken, you both must take a time out and discuss the actual disagreement later when calmer because breaking #1 and #2 derail the discussion.
4. If the discussion/argument gets to be too long or too much/heated such that you feel you will snap and break #1 or #2, have a safety phrase and either of you be able to walk away to calm down and the other respects that and doesn’t follow them/continue talking. A safety phrase can be “I can’t talk about this any more right now” or “I need a break, let’s talk about this later”

If he can’t agree or agrees and then blatantly ignores these ground rules(barring a few hiccups), then it’s more than a toxic relationship, it’s an abusive one and you should seriously consider whether you can stay with someone who has no desire stop the verbal abuse.

Look up reactive abuse and get out of that poison.

OP, he has refused relationship counselling.
That suggests he is perfectly happy with the status quo, and wishes to continue verbally abusing you.
You can either tolerate an abusive marriage for the rest of your life, or separate from him.
Your call.

If you are both violent and abusive towards each other, you need to be living apart for the sake of your kids! Right now, you are both appalling parents, and you both need to put your kids' best interests first, and live apart.

Hopefully your neighbours will call Social Services at some point, and someone can help the children be safe from your awful violent family.

Just leave the relationship.

Work on yourself alone if you think you are/can be abusive.

Don't force your children to live in this environment, do the right thing and split up.

These arguments and smashing things in the house is already damaging your children.

Your behavior sounds like reactive abuse. It reminds me of the Gabby Petito case.

In either case, this relationship is very unhealthy and it's setting a horrible example for your kids. Your kids would be better off if you left with them, I think.

What Babdoc wrote here.

He has actually done you a favour by refusing marriage therapy. Such is also NEVER recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Abusive men rarely if ever go to therapy, let alone complete it, and he is beyond professional help (chances are one of his parents was abusive towards the other when he was a child so he saw abuse at home). Your H thinks he is doing nothing wrong here with regards to you. Indeed he feels entitled to treat you (and in turn your children) as he does. Abuse is also not a relationship problem, abuse is about power and control and this man wants absolute over you and your children.

This will and is indeed now affecting your children markedly; they cannot afford to remain in such a toxic and abusive environment either.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not. If you are in the UK I would urge you to contact Womens Aid as they also have a chat facility. Get support for your own self now and do not hesitate to call the police re him either.

My dad was very volatile when I was growing up. He was verbally and occasionally physically abusive towards my mum. So obviously more one sided but the arguments were awful. I always wanted them to split up because it was the two of them together that caused this.
You and your husband wind each other up until it becomes out of control. This isn't a healthy environment for your children. I suspect its beyond counselling but this would be good for you to do alone. Sorry OP but you need to leave. The thought of leaving is often worse than the actual act and you will look back and know the relationship wasn't right and that you've done the right thing.

Why try to make a toxic situation less toxic instead of just removing yourself from it?

Get off the merry go round.

He doesn't want to fix things because he is abusive and like things exactly how they are. Even if he doesn't want you to know that.

And you're so beaten down and mindfucked by all his abuse that you are starting to question if your defensive behaviour to this abuse, is in turn, you being abusive. It is not.

But the fact is that this environment does not make you happy. Nor is it a happy one for your child.

Stop trying to make a sandwich out of shit. Leave and find something that can actually nourish you. Like freedom.

@Pinkbonbon

Why try to make a toxic situation less toxic instead of just removing yourself from it?

Get off the merry go round.

He doesn't want to fix things because he is abusive and like things exactly how they are. Even if he doesn't want you to know that.

And you're so beaten down and mindfucked by all his abuse that you are starting to question if your defensive behaviour to this abuse, is in turn, you being abusive. It is not.

But the fact is that this environment does not make you happy. Nor is it a happy one for your child.

Stop trying to make a sandwich out of shit. Leave and find something that can actually nourish you. Like freedom.

Excellent post. Also. Never fight with a pig. You'll get dirty and they'll enjoy it.

Whoever is at fault here, as PP have said, this just sounds like a very toxic environment in which to raise children. Much better just to end it than continue in this manner which sounds extremely harmful to all involved.

I appreciate everyone’s comments. Not an easy realisation to face up to but I think I already knew the answer before I posted.
I’ve looked up reactive abuse and it feels scarily familiar.