“Those kinds of people”

[Alwayswanting1]

Does anyone else have a really judgmental mum. She is always talking about others and referring to them as “those kinds of people”.

At the moment she is obsessed with next door whose son lost his license for drink driving. Yes stupid and recently his wife left with the kids. I just said perhaps he made a stupid mistake but she is all “those kinds of people”..:it’s easy to be perfect when you do nothing but talk about others.

Its no wonder I don’t tell her any of my troubles!

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to see someone who lost their license due to drink driving as someone you wouldn’t want to associate with, he could’ve killed someone.

Drink driving is the lowest of the low imo. As a victim of a drunk driver I would have no qualms about judging that neighbour.

But it’s that neighbour and every other neighbour, everyone she meets, me, my daughter her mum her sister…always talking about others and there faults all the time. She has no friends just every time I meet her she talking about people in her life negatively.

You're probably one of the very few people who actually bother with her at all so I would no longer bother. There are good reasons why your mother has no friends. I would further lower all levels of contact with her as you need radiators in your life, not drains.

Have someone like this in my family. I see it as a strange kind of superiority complex, a need to prove (to who?) that oneself is better than “those kind of people”.

The sad part is why they feel the need to state or prove this.

Losing your licence after drink driving isn't just a little mistake.

The fact his wife has left him says there is a much bigger story going on.

I wont comment on your mother's 'those kind of people' comment because of how you are minimising drink driving. The wife leaving is a pretty big hint that there's more to it than 'a little mistake' and you are normalising and excusing that too as if she is unreason for not wanting to be married to someone with a drink problem.

You crack on with being so amazingly accepting of behavior though. Its really going to help the world.

It’s really not my business, I’ve said to her he is stupid and he isn’t my kind of person and he could have killed someone. It’s a stupid thing to do.

But I don’t need to keep reading the page out the paper she had read it in. She is just feeling justified that she said she never liked the family next door. The family always speak to me and have always been nice. Yes the son has issues obviously but I’m not going to stand and slag all of them off with my mum. I’m sure the parents are mortified. They have taken him in since the split and probably don’t need people talking behind closed doors

I think OP is commenting on her mother rather than 'minimising' whatever the next door neighbours and their relatives might have done. It's annoying when someone talks obsessively about someone else, and more so when it's laced with sweeping judgement. My DM can be a bit like this too - it's hard to deal with, but I would probably try to make it clear that she's said it before, it's registered and you don't need to hear it again. Does it bother you OP that you don't feel able to tell her your own stuff?

I never knew people like this, who talked about people being beneath them, existed before I came onto mumsnet. I think I would definitely been a girl your mother wouldn’t have wanted you to play with, but I have turned out pretty well.

@UnsuitableHat yes it bothers me I don’t have that kind of mum. Has probably gone a long way to explain my terrible relationships and problems not being able to accept my own mistakes for fear of judgment.

It’s very easy to look at other people’s lives and judge it’s horrible being on the other side and the one being judged.

His mum my mums neighbour must be feeling awful and my mum instead of being decent and offering support or at least giving eye contact is smug in her judgment, I just don’t like that.

Many many years ago when I was a student nurse , I was telling my mum I was working on a haematology ward and learning lots about HIV
Mum's response was " oh I would just refuse to look after them "
She was dumbstruck when I replied that every single one on the ward had contracted HIV by being given it by the NHS with contaminated blood
I hear you OP
Only one of the many reasons I am NC

My mum is very judgemental and snobby. She sees a lot of people as beneath her. She highly values looks,wealth and academic achievements , but the last one she swings it as it suits. She still bangs on about the quality friends she had (30 years ago) . She's highly disappointed in me and always has been. I don't give a shit. She's fairly miserable,lonely and isolated now but that's where her "standards" took her. Not my problem.

When my dad (her husband) was dying of cancer she stopped talking to him and sulked and cried because she said he wasn’t being nice. I said he’s dying and he is terrified just let him and be there for him, she couldn’t do it.

I have a relative like this. Half her conversation is being spectacularly rude to or about people, half is self pity that no one likes her.

I no longer see her, and I expect she's telling whoever still remains in her life that I'm awful. That doesn't bother me.

@Alwayswanting1

When my dad (her husband) was dying of cancer she stopped talking to him and sulked and cried because she said he wasn’t being nice. I said he’s dying and he is terrified just let him and be there for him, she couldn’t do it.

So sorry about the loss of your dad OP. Your mother’s behaviour is vile and selfish. She sounds narcissistic.

Sounds like a joyless outlook on life to me. I would pity her, but as her dd it's probably too close to home to find that. You said you struggle to accept your mistakes due to your upbringing, I wonder what her story is. I'm not saying she's a poor innocent victim but let's face it, none of us ask for either the body or the brain we're born with and I imagine being in her head is no fun at all.
It certainly hasn't done her any favours if she finds herself friendless.
I think for your own protection if you could try to detach from it emotionally it would be a good idea, but it's valid for you to feel this is rubbish and horrible. My MIL is very similar and I find this aspect of her boring, predictable, pitiable and unpleasant, thankfully she has a couple of saving graces which just about rescue the situation.

Somebody who constantly comments on other people has nothing going on in there own life. She needs a job or to go volunteer. She needs to busy herself 24/7 so she has no time to think about other peoples business. I used to be like this when I was a SAHM and bored. Now I’m working and super busy and I have no interest or inclination or energy to give a shit about strangers lives. Suggest she needs to go occupy herself

It is unpleasant when you have a family member who sneers and looks down on 'those kinds of people' and is judgemental towards anyone who isn't perceived to be the 'right sort'.

One of my friends has a mil like your mother. Her mil is a total drain.
One day the mil rang my friend. They ended the call but it was just a pity that her MIL never pressed the end call button. She then proceed to tell who she was with how my friend did a and b ect. She made some horrible comments about my friend.
That evening my friend told her husband what happened and told him his mother was no longer welcome in her home. Her husband agreed with her. That day he called to his parents house and told his mother what his wife had heard and that she was no longer welcome in his house.
Now a few years later MIL has health issues and needs help. She has no friends calling to see her or even to meet for a coffee. It falling to her husband and daughter to mind her and sort things out.
Her daughter rang my friend one day and asked could she bring her mother to appointment and my friend said no. She not willing now to get involved now because of what happened in the past.
My advice to you is to spend as little time as possible with your mother. You aware of what she like and you don't want or need to hear what she is saying. I would tell her very little as well because what you say to her may be passed on to the few people she is still in contact with.

I even make plans that long term you won't be to available to care for her as she gets older because she will probably expect this.

It doesn't sound like very nice behaviour, but do bear in mind that you have posted this thread because you want to hear from people who have experience with the same 'kinds of people' as your mum.

My point being, if you or your mum don't like somebody's behaviour create distance from them, rather than trying to categorise them. Other people who do the same as your mum will do it for different reasons, so finding out about them is nothing more that lumping them in with your mum.

I appreciate it's hard to create distance from your mum, but if you don't want to spend less time with her, you could try being boundaried about how your conversations go.

'Lets not spend half the afternoon talking about John's drink driving'
'I'm not really comfortable having a conversation about that'
'I think we differ in opinion here, shall we change the subject'
'Can we talk about something else?'