Don’t know what to do TW: childhood sexual abuse

[Pleasehelpadvice1]

I don’t really know where to start with this but I’m prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable/selfish. Over the past 18 months I’ve had three people disclose to me their history of childhood sexual abuse. Two are friends and one is my Mum.

I’ve tried my very best to support these people through it but I’m finding it really triggering to my own mental health (I have BPD) and I don’t know what to do anymore. My friend is in therapy and the more she discovers about her abuse, which just started as tiny memories, the more she wants to talk about it and I’m finding it really hard and upsetting.

I don’t have any experience of CSA but I have been sexually assaulted in the past and abused by a past boyfriend, something which I have never disclosed to anyone so I can’t explain it to them. I don’t want to make this about myself but I’m finding myself pulling away from all of these people, including my Mum as is triggering my own experiences and I don’t know how to explain it. I’m trying my hardest to be a good friend and daughter and lend an ear because I know they’ve told me because they trust me and need someone to rely on and I feel so horrible to even be thinking about myself in these circumstances but I’m completely withdrawn and finding myself ignoring messages from them now which is making me feel even worse about myself.

I haven’t obviously shared any of this with anyone as I don’t want to breach their confidence so I don’t have anyone to talk to really. I also know that this is their trauma and not my own so I don’t know why this is having such a horrible impact on me. I don’t know why I’m posting, I guess I’m just looking for reassurance I’m not being selfish.

I completely understand where you are coming from. Its very very traumatic to listen to other peoples first-hand stories of abuse - its why professionals who hear these things all the time have supervision and supportive practice. I once worked intensively with a very damaged man who had been exposed to horrific abuse as a small child. He told me a lot of stuff about his past that I found incredibly hard to hear, and I should have had some sort of psychological support to deal with it.

If you are finding it too hard to listen to (which is the normal reaction), you need to tell these people. It sounds awful and cruel, when they presumably love you and trust you enough to share...but you have to put your own oxygen mask on first, and protect yourself.

I didn't want to read and run and there will be others with some advice based on experience but it sounds like you need counselling for your own history of abuse. It must be difficult to listen to three people recounting their therapy and memories as a non-professional without the triggering let alone based on your experiences.

By the way, my partner is a trained counsellor and when I told him about this man unloading onto me, and how hard I was finding it, he was quite angry and said it was not fair on me. So, please don't feel guilty about your feelings- they are totally valid.

It’s okay to say ‘I’m so glad you trusted me enough to share this. I believe you and I love you, but I don’t feel like I can take on anything more right now as I’m struggling with my own mental health’.

I’ve talked a lot with friends about my own experiences of abuse. But I would never want to be a burden to someone. I would totally respect if a friend wasn’t able to be there for me in that way (in fact, one friend has said that and I completely understand).

I think you should be honest OP. Tell them that you want to be supportive but you are finding it difficult to process and its triggering your own health too.

@mindutopia

It’s okay to say ‘I’m so glad you trusted me enough to share this. I believe you and I love you, but I don’t feel like I can take on anything more right now as I’m struggling with my own mental health’.

I’ve talked a lot with friends about my own experiences of abuse. But I would never want to be a burden to someone. I would totally respect if a friend wasn’t able to be there for me in that way (in fact, one friend has said that and I completely understand).

Yep exactly this.

If they love you they will respect this.

Thank you all so much for your kind comments, I was entirely prepared to told I’m being horrible so thank you for that.

It’s hard for me to say that to them all for a number of reasons. My Mum and I have a very volatile relationships. She’s a textbook narcissist who was very emotionally abusive growing up. Just before she told me what happened to her, I was fully prepared to go NC after talking through her treatment of me in therapy. In some ways I’m glad she told me because now I understand why she is the way she is. But because she is that way, I’m almost 100% sure she’d make it my issue if I told her how I felt.

Nobody is aware of what happened to her apart from one or two people so the person who abused her is still very much part of the family. My Grandparents are both still alive and it would kill them if they knew what happened. It’s hard to keep that a secret as I’m very close to them, but I know it’s not my secret to tell. It’s still hard though because I have to see the person who abused her and not say anything. He came up in conversation with my DP the other day and I told him I wished he was dead and my DP told me that was harsh of me and I so badly wanted to tell him.

My best friend is currently having EMDR so is remembering things all of the time. We were childhood best friends so each time she remembers something she tells me what it is and asks me if it triggers any memories of her telling me it (it never does and I had no idea at all until she told me).

I’m trying to seek therapy for myself right now but as I have a complicated mental health history paired with BPD, it’s hard to get someone to take me on and waiting lists are huge.