I WANT A SEPARATION

[johnnydeppsmistress]

After a year of pondering over the state of our marriage, I have decided that I want to separate. In spite of numerous conversations with dh about our problems over the past few months, nothing has changed. I can't live like this anymore. Ideally I want to split for good but I know he will not allow this to happen. How do I begin to tell them that I want a separation? He believes that marriage is for life (but won't work to resolve any relationship problems !?) and I know he will be angry. Has anyone been through this who could give me some advice?

I dont know what problems you've been going through with your dh JDM, but do you think the seperation would help him realise he needs to sort the problems out, or would it not make any difference to you? If you do decide to seperate, you need to have a plan, so you know what to do, as in where you're going to live, are you going to stay there or is he going to move out, what will you do money wise etc.

It took me about 4 months to get it through to exp that it was over between us. Everytime I started talking about it, he would lay a guilt trip on me, and make me feel bad for splitting up the family! My dad had walked out on us about 12 years ago, so I pretty much grew up without a dad, and did not want dd to go through what I did, but I didnt want to stay unhappy either. In the end, I sent him to his parents saying I needed to have some space and broke up with him that way. It was the only way the message would come across to him, and sink in.

Thanks tammybear. I think if we split it would really make him think about the problems in our relationship. But I don't think I want him back as I have fallen out of love with him. The planning of it is a problem - I guess I really need to think about that before I tell him. How did your ex react when you told him?

He was angry, and I expected him to be tbh. His parents kept saying about us going for relationship counselling, but they didnt know the problems we had and how i felt about things. And their main concern was not seeing dd that much anyway. Do think things through properly before making decisions. Before I officially broke up with him, I spoke to the CAB to find out what Im entitled to, and what help and support there was for me. Maybe an idea to speak to them.

Wise word tb! Thanks - there is so much to consider that I am afraid I'm not going to be brave enough to tell him.... but I can't live my life like this. I am sick of being miserable

does he know how you feel about your relationship?

I've told him many times that I am not happy but he's not aware that I've fallen out of love with him. The main problem is that we work together as we own and run our own business. He always puts my unhappiness down to this - I've told him that it's not this alone but like most men he doesn't hear me! He only hears what he wants to hear, pats me on the back and says "don't worry, it will all be OK", I believe him and then things go back to how they were before! I just feel like we are 2 adults living in the same house - I don't feel like we are husband and wife. I think he'll be very shocked when I say we want to separate as I usually just "comply" to his ways. The time has come for me to stand up for myself.... but I am terrified!

It is quite a scary and daunting thought though so I dont blame you for being terrified. I think most men find it easier to ignore the problem rather than face up to it. I would definetly go to CAB or even a solicitor if you can, as you'll need to find out what will happen especially in aspects of your business.

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It isn't for religious reasons and he hasn't threatened me. The reason I said "allow" is that he refuses to believe we have a problem and I know that he will not let me go easily. Maybe it was too strong a word!

Well firstly it's up to you, even if he doesn't want to split it's not his choice so don't let him influence you. if you're sure that you don't love him anymore - then it doesn't matter whether you're together or apart - it's not going to work either way.

When I left UH he definitely didn't want me to go and tried all the emotional stuff 'you can't leave me' ' we need to try harder' 'I'll do this for you' etc etc - but if its over you have to stick to your guns and do what you want. Marriage by itself isn't for life if both partners won't do what they can to make it work.

My main piece of advice would be do what you want to do, don't let him tell you what you should be doing. If you're in any sort of danger from him, emotionally or physically get a relative or friend to come and help you if you need.

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Thanks wn and w&r. I have very little self-confidence and find it so hard to stand up for myself. If we argue about anything it is usually him that "wins" and has the last word. I end up doing what he says and keeping my mouth shut. For as long as I can remember I have always done things to please others before myself & worried too much about people's opinion of me which is why I have not taken action sooner. Thanks so much for your advice! I now just need to take a deep breath and tackle the issue (but will definitely make a plan first!).

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Hi w&r. Isn't Women's Aid just for women affected by domestic violence?

Women's Aid isn't just for what most people think of as domestic violence - is there to help any woman who has trouble in her relationship or getting out of her relationship. That includes emotional abuse, which is far harder to identify than physical violence. Ask them for help, the least they'll do is say they're not the right people for you (if they're not) and recommend somewhere else to go for help. Just try it and see.

WK is right. if they arent the people for you they cant point you in the right direction for help. by the sounds of it your self confidence is low, had you H done anything to destroy this?

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