What do I do? Feeling trapped.

[Potatofacey]

Been with DP long distance, but recently got engaged and moved in together which involved me and my son moving across the country. To do so, I left my job and joined his company (he’s Director) We have been trying for a baby as I’m 39.

The house is paid for for a year upfront, but my salary is £1200 for part time hours, and I have come off tax credits to move in with him as he is a high earner. His business partner has promised me I have a job regardless of if we stay in a relationship, but I can see how that wouldn’t really work.

We have been incredibly happy, to the point where I said I felt like something was going to go wrong because things felt so perfect and we were so lucky.

I found out last weekend he was using escorts when he was with his ex. It’s shaken me, and I am struggling to reconcile the man I thought he was with the man he is. He read me the usual script and said he had never gone through with it, but we all know how likely that is.

This weekend his adult daughter has been here, and I am very close with her. She’s having boyfriend problems and opened up to me about some issues, and in turn assumed I knew some things about her Dad that I didn’t. It turns out he has lied to me about lots of small things, things which don’t really matter, but mean I am reeling as I don’t know what coming out his mouth is true.

One of the things he has lied about is sleeping on the kids sofa (his ex wife’s) when we were having a rough patch last year. I don’t know where he slept, but he swore at the time it was at the kids - and I actually asked a few months ago if he really had done and he said I could even ask the kids if I doubted him.

I asked him about it a few hours ago when his daughter was out, ans his reaction is to sulk - in response to me saying, but you lied - he said aggressively “I know. You would never have let me hear the end of it otherwise” my son was coming in the room ans I said let’s talk about this later - to which he has responded “no, the matter is finished. I’m not talking to you as we will only argue”

I’m reeling. I feel trapped because I am in an area I know no one, I am relying on his business for an income, I need stability for my son. I don’t want our relationship to end, but I don’t know how to possibly have it continue? I have about £200 in my bank account and £1k in the joint acc. My son is so happy, and adores my partner.

What do I do? What do I say? I think I’m in shock.

Do you trust him?
He clearly doesn't respect you or he wouldn't have been so dismissive.

Do you have family you could go to?

I used to trust him implicitly, but I’ve discovered so many little (and not so little) lies I don’t see how o could any more. He says he has changed and we are always together, but if he has to work away again in future how will I ever relax?

He’s used to getting his own way at all times because he owns the company. I think he shut the conversation down out of panic, but I also agree about the respect, and that is what bothers me.

My sons only in his first term at his new school. If I went home to family I would have no job and it would be another change for him. He would be devastated.

First term is nothing, your son won't even remember if you go home and start again. Children are resilient so don't use that as an excuse to stay stuck when you can still leave if you want to. Your son will be fine.

I used to trust him implicitly

Are you sure? You were asking him repeatedly about where he'd stayed months ago; why would you do that if he'd given you an answer and you trusted him?

his reaction is to sulk - in response to me saying, but you lied - he said aggressively “I know. You would never have let me hear the end of it otherwise

This tells you everything you need to know about how the future will go: Things will go wrong, by his hand, and when you try to talk about it, he will make it feel like it's your fault that there is an issue at all.

Any changes you make now will be much less harmful to your son in the long run than watching his mum being emotionally abused. I grew up in that position and it screwed up all my adult relationships until things got so bad in my 40s that I had counselling and got myself sorted. I would much prefer if my mum had upped and left, taken me with her, and we'd lived in lesser circumstances for a while whilst she got on her feet.

Don't stay with an abuser for the sake of your child.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. What support could you lean on whilst you get out of this relationship? You can't really stay, can you; he's lied, he sulks, he has emotionally manipulated you. You must be so shocked

You need to form a plan to move back. It won’t be easy but essential. The relationship historically has been dodgy and you don’t seem to know where he went when you broke up last. It’s sad that you gave up so much to be with him but to stay will be the ultimate worse decision. Try and take a deep breath and formulate a plan and gather yourself and your son up to move back.

OP,

First off, stop trying for a baby completely.

You do not want to be having another child.

That would be a disaster.

Then you need to accumulate money as an absolute priority.

Can you start working FT?

You are stuck because you have no money and have given up everything for this man that you clearly do not know.

Right now your priority is to get money together and give yourself options.

I think he is not a long term bet so DO NOT get pregnant.

Start making exit plans.

Go home. Go home now.

Before you ruin your child's life by staying with this animal.

Go.
A minor disruption to schooling and a new home to adapt to is nothing in comparison to his life and yours being ruined if you stay.

Ffs, don't walk, run the hell out of there.

Op it's not helpful to say this now but your mistake was putting all of your eggs in one basket. In your situation, I would have got a separate, independent job, and I think you need to do that again. You don't mention your living arrangements before. Better to extract your son as soon as you can. Can you get him back in to his old school before Christmas? Good luck

My sons at private school so we are committed on fees. I think I know I need to try go home, but I am so fucking sad. I don’t want to. I wanted this to work, and I don’t know how things have turned upside down so quickly.

He’s just come back and is being polite but ignoring me where ever possible. I don’t know how to have this conversation or what to say.

I’m sorry I’m being crap. I genuinely don’t know how I feel, other than blindsided.

Oh God, don't have a child with him! Double-up your contraception!

Also, go back to work for as many hours as you can get so you can build up your "runaway fund".

We all make mistakes. Don't let this one define you.

Have you ever lived together or even in the same place before? Leaving your job and changing areas and your son's school as well as TTC with a man who has only been long distance is very risky, as you're finding out. Time to get out and get back to your life if you can. He's not the man you thought he was.

Yeah its a horrible situation to find yourself in op. But please take it as a gift you have found this out now rather than later. And don't sweep it under the carpet. When someone shows you who they are, believe it. And do whatever it takes to protect yourself and you child from bad people.

Because that is what he is: a bad guy.

As for the fees, better you pay them and go somewhere safe with your boy and send him to a government school instead of staying with this wanker and putting him this one. But speak to the school and see what can be done.

You don't need to have any conversation with him. You don't need his permission to leave. And nothing you say will magically make him a decent human being

What you want and what you have are never going to match up. You need to leave. He has done a right number on you, taking you away from yours and Ds home, given you a part time job so you are financially dependent on him. If he is a high earner surely he has a lot more money squirrelled away than the £1000 in the joint account so I'd take that money and go. Any chance you could get your old job back?

This situation sounds so dodgy, you've put your trust in this man and it's proven to be a mistake. Time to pull the plug and go back home for your sons sake. The quicker you do this then the quicker he will get over it.

If the reasons for staying with this man are your son's school / having to move again / having to find another job then please leave - none of them are good enough reaosons to stay with a man you can't trust and who doesn't respect you.

Moving back etc might be a chore, but so much better that than to stay with someone who you know lies to you and then treats you as though you're the problem when you point out his lies.

@Potatofacey

My sons at private school so we are committed on fees. I think I know I need to try go home, but I am so fucking sad. I don’t want to. I wanted this to work, and I don’t know how things have turned upside down so quickly.

He’s just come back and is being polite but ignoring me where ever possible. I don’t know how to have this conversation or what to say.

I really feel for you op as this is a horrible situation to be in.

Take a deep breath. You don't have to have any conversation with him this weekend. Keep your own counsel and don't reveal any intentions or plans. Give yourself from breathing space. You need a few days to come to terms with your changed circumstances.

Having said though, the people that bounce back in life are those that have a pragmatic and flexible approach; they live in the here and now and accept the reality of their situation quickly. They aren't held back by "what might have been". You have been deceived op. Things are not as you thought they were. You made decisions based on false information. Time for a massive change of direction.

In your shoes, I honestly think I would transfer and secure any money or savings that I had, and tuck them away safely in a bank somewhere. I would pack up as much as possible while my DH was out of the house. Don't give a thought to your ds's education. You can remove him from the school and sort out the fees afterwards. Then I would literally just leave. No discussion, no debate. Be strong op. Your DS may be upset initially but do you really want this man in your son's life long term? To be his role model in how to treat women? Think about the long term implications!

If you are worried about the schooling; ask to see the head teacher privately. Say you have found yourself in an abusive situation and you need to extreact your son. Ring up your son's old school on Monday or any other productive school back home? What was your living situation before? Were you with your family or renting? Can you return to either of those situations? Don't be embarrassed, reach out for support!

potential not productive!

@Potatofacey

I’m sorry I’m being crap. I genuinely don’t know how I feel, other than blindsided.

Your first task, before anything else, is to get yourself out of the 'I'm sorry' mindset.

You have been blindsided, and it's a natural response to feel like you don't know which way is up for a while.

You're not being crap. You're feeling stuck and you've asked for advice; that's the best thing you can do, until you feel a bit steadier.

I don’t know how things have turned upside down so quickly

This is what happens sometimes. They can put on a show until they get you isolated, and then they can let the real personality show. It's very shocking. In time, when you look back, you'll realise there were signs all along; it'll help you learn how not to fall for this sort of person again.

Just go day to day for now. Work on how you're going to get out, and keep things unemotional with him. Give yourself time to psychologically settle down after the shock of what you've learned. The best thing you can do for yourself and your son now is to look after yourself really really well. Don't beat yourself up. You didn't do the bad thing; he did.

You managed to change everything for him
. Now do the same for yourself.

@Tellmesomethinggirl

If you are worried about the schooling; ask to see the head teacher privately. Say you have found yourself in an abusive situation and you need to extreact your son. Ring up your son's old school on Monday or any other productive school back home? What was your living situation before? Were you with your family or renting? Can you return to either of those situations? Don't be embarrassed, reach out for support!

This is good advice.