You haven’t helped yourself

[Ligjteood]

My boyfriend and I work together. We have been together for a few years but don’t live together.

I’ve got germ focussed OCD and the covid 19 pandemic has been awful for me. I essentially had a major breakdown. I didn’t wash for days on end, couldn’t sleep etc

I struggled to cope with work and really should have been signed off on sick leave. However, I tried my best to struggle on. My bf complains that I was difficult to contact during work hours and that essentially I was avoiding work because I’m lazy.

I’m feeling a little bit better now I’m jabbed. However, I feel like he doesn’t understand how bad things were for me. I’ve told him I considered ending things a few times but he just dismissed this.

Yesterday he said to me that our manager hadn’t even noticed that I was unwell even though ‘I didn’t help myself’.

This has really upset me. Am I overreacting to expect him to understand that I was in a very bad way?

I'm very sorry you are suffering with OCD.

A very real and debillitating condition. Only you know if you can be defined as lazy but your partner seems to be lacking in emotional intellegence to understand your condition.

I would suggest seeing a specialist OCD councillor and looking to see if there are support groups in your area.

There are many that do not understand mental health illness and sometimes that mental health is worsened or trigered by unsypathetic, uncaring partners.

Thank you. I think some people like my bf don’t understand how awful ocd can be.

I will look into the ocd counselling thanks.

Is this just about him not understanding your OCD or is he generally dismissive, disinterested, critical?

I think if he's generally a decent person and you're happy with him / you make each other's lives better then he needs to educate himself about this seriously debilitating condition.

But if he's generally thoughtless and dismissive, then why are you with him?

I went through this myself during my teenage years and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

For me it actually subsided when I left school and moved away from home. I think that looking back, it was actually about control for me in that I had so little control over my life that I needed to be alert at all times and do what I could...but knew if i got sick, I would have lost the freedoms I had left. At least, subconsciously I think that's what compelled the fear and the need to constantly wash ect...

Is it possible that your job abd your partner are actually contributing stressors for you too?

And of course, stress itself will exasperate it.

Your partner doesn't seem like a very nice person.
I know that for me, there was a great sense of shame around my compulsions and so I never talked about them with anyone. But if you find someone you can share with who is understanding then that's a great thing. This man however, is not understanding. Or nice.

And I suspect he makes your stress much worse and this makes you more susceptible to being beaten down by your ocd.

I suggest removing unhealthy influences and minimising stressor in your life as much as possible. You deserve to be happy and supported.

I hope one day you can also beat ocd like I did. It can be done!

You are not overreacting to expect emotional support and care even if he didn't understand rather than criticism and unpleasantness.

How and when did he say this, was it part of a much bigger heart to heart over it and he had seemed supportive during your crises?

It sounds like you didn't see him in person whilst you were ill?

He doesn’t seem to understand anything other than not expressing any emotion.

I did see him but not as often as he’d have liked. He just said this during general conversation.

I think @Pinkbonbon makes an excellent point about the shame attatched to OCD and any mental health illness.

Do not let him shame you into hiding your illness to the point you do not search and find help for yourself.

Dreadfull illness, you need support, I hope you find it.

for you

I don't think is someone that will support you and be good for you.

I am just 😳 at what he said tbh!

This would be a big red flag for me. Unless he's prepared to listen, support you and learn about OCD I can't see any good outcome to this relationship.

“ I didn’t wash for days on end, couldn’t sleep etc ”

Not washing for days sounds like depression to me not germ focussed OCD. I can see how people might interpret this as being lazy and not helping yourself.

@SweetBabyCheeses99

Tell that to Howard Hughes.

@SweetBabyCheeses99

“ I didn’t wash for days on end, couldn’t sleep etc ”

Not washing for days sounds like depression to me not germ focussed OCD. I can see how people might interpret this as being lazy and not helping yourself.

Ocd can cause depression. If people mistake depression for laziness when they know the person is going through some mental struggles then that's just ignorance on their part.

But you can also get caught up in the flight of fight stage with ocd where you can't do one thing for fear it's the wrong thing.

Thanks for your replies. To address the not washing thing, I recall the exact day and minute I ran out of strength if that makes sense? I literally felt my energy go and couldn’t do anything hardly.

I don’t know if that is depression or some kind of burn out. But it was real and very awful. I’d have expected my bf to at least try to understand. However, he doesn’t seem to understand anything but being fit and healthy.