Dealing with a toxic person

[Zig27]

I was friends with an ex colleague for 13 years. He is gay so there is no romantic involvement. When we left 5 work years ago he said keep in touch. I kept in touch with him every 1-2 months and in the whole 5 years he only contacted me 3 times.

We went for group meals and in June he was very rude to me and kept shouting and belittling me for no reason. I started to speak up for myself and he shot me down so I just kept quiet while we were paying the bill as I would have said something bad. When we left he was back to his old self being nice. I was very upset over that weekend and text him a few days later. I couldn’t tell him in person as he won’t make time for anyone and I didn’t see why I should be down for 10 days to talk to him when were due to meet up. He tried to gaslight me and say I had got it all wrong and he felt by me speaking up I was being nasty to him. We were due to meet up a few days after the meal but he cancelled using work as an excuse.

He has never contacted me since. Looking back the warning signs were there. He is 49 years old, lives alone and always has an excuse for why everyone else is bad and he never wants a relationship ever again. He last had a relationship when he was 25.

He has got heavily involved with a couple who are alcoholics (he said they are alcoholics not me) and goes to rock music gigs every few weeks with them. He doesn’t like this couple and there is another woman who he doesn’t like too which he always slagged them off yet he always goes with them to gigs and is in photos with them.

I just feel so angry and annoyed I invested my time in this dysfunctional ‘friend’ who could not even show me any respect and give anything back.a very two faced person. Anyone else had toxic friends they have had to let go of? Thanks.

Sounds awful, it’s abusive to take it out on others like this whatever the reason. I would draw a line and not contact him anymore without any drama.

We've all been there. I had a 'friend' who constantly bemoaned how everyone she met always bullied her in any new situation. Turned out it was actually her who was doing the bullying and the reason people didn't like her was because they were picking up on her own bad vibes. She put me down repeatedly and projected her own emotional baggage onto everyone else. One day she knocked and I opened the door for the last time hoping she might see that it was actually her that was the problem and she pointed in my face and went straight into a tirade about how I had all sorts of mental issues and I needed counseling and I thought you know what? I just don't need this woman in my life and I shut the door in her face and never spoke to her ever again. Turned out most of the estate also used to talk to her then stopped speaking to her because she was so bitter and resentful of everyone else. Some people are a drain on your energy and life's better without them.

I think we get better and better at spotting these sorts with practice. Next time anyone belittles you in public you will know that they are not your friend and give them no more chances.

This guy gave you a lot of signs and yet, you still considered him a friend. In future, be more choosey. I expect one key thing from a friend- They are kind human beings. By that I mean that they are kind to me, kind to other people and kind to themselves (eg: no substance abuse or tendency to keep toxic people in their lives ect).

That's a good base level friend. Of course there has to be more to it.

In future, set the same high standard for behaviour from a friend as you would set for yourself and how you treat others.

But don't feel bad, we live and learn.