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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Son issues

12 replies

Pickle40 · 02/10/2021 12:12

My son lost his dad to cancer and he's now at University, he's ok but doesn't like speaking on phone and responds to my texts days later of late I'm getting brief replys and why do I need to txt u every five minutes! I'm deeply hurt and upset but if I have to say anything he just gets moody do I just give him space

OP posts:

Ladywholoveswine · 02/10/2021 12:22

Firstly, sorry for both of your losses 💐
I would absolutely give him the space, as that’s what he’s asking you. We all deal with grief in various ways, as long as it’s a healthy way, then I would leave him to grieve, let him know you will support him when he needs it and give him his space.

Dillydollydingdong · 02/10/2021 12:27

Once kids go off to uni, to a certain extent they're distancing themselves from home, and trying to establish themselves as adults. He'll be exploring his new life and making new friends. I would say back off and let him get on with it. When he needs you, he'll be back!

hamstersarse · 02/10/2021 12:33

I know you’ll be worried about him but his behaviour is really healthy. He’s making his own path in the world, separate from you.

It’s what they do. It’s really tough, even more so under your circumstances, but try and let him be. He’ll come to you if he needs you…and he will at some point!

heyday · 02/10/2021 12:55

I'm sure he is busy with his new university life and it is a distraction from his grief. He is an adult now. Just text to say 'hi...hope you're ok' occasionally and leave it at that....you may not get a reply for a few days..or not at all...i think he needs some space now.

Wolfiefan · 02/10/2021 13:01

Are you worried because of the recent bereavement?
Or are you simply missing him?
Mine has left for uni. Spoken once on the phone. Other than that we have only texted if he needs something (to know when he last had an eye test for instance) or when I need to let him know something.
It’s normal. This is his chance to start to build his own independent life away from home.

layladomino · 02/10/2021 18:58

I had an arrangement with DC that I wouldn't text / call too often so long as they responded in a decent time when I did. Otherwise I would naturally worry.

I know they are on their phones through the day and a 5 second text is a very easy way for them to reassure me they're still alive and to get me off their back!

RantyAunty · 02/10/2021 20:21

Take his hint and leave him alone.

junebirthdaygirl · 02/10/2021 20:46

Oh my ds was like this when went off to university. They don't like talking to their mums on the phone if others are around. Sometimes he would call full of news then l would hear nothing. I often sent him little bits of family news just to stay in touch but often no reply. When he came home on holidays or odd weekends he would resort to normal and be full of chat. Pull back. No pressure but do drop an odd text with no expectations. It's hard to let go but boys especially are usually not great. He will be happy to be home to lots of nice dinners before long.

Maray1967 · 02/10/2021 23:21

Yes, my DS is the same. Takes ages to hear back from him. I only text about once a week. I’m fine with that as when I was at uni in the 80s we had to queue up to use a phone in the foyer of the halls and I didn’t phone home more than once a week.
So sorry for your loss. 💐

PermanentTemporary · 02/10/2021 23:30

My mum sent me a phonecard at university after I'd been out of touch for two weeks...

Give him space if you can. Of course it's a worry because bereavement can hit at odd times, but he's most likely very busy and exploring a new life.

thesearelaughterlines · 03/10/2021 09:54

You don't say how recent the bereavement was

This was your loss too OP , not just his

Students at uni are developing a whole new lifestyle of studying , making new friendship groups , developing independence, partying

Please keep all avenues of communication open without putting any pressure on him

What have you done to help YOU with this change ?
Do you have support irl ?
Could you consider a new hobby , picking up lost friendship, establishing other connections ?

Take care of you

pointythings · 03/10/2021 20:07

Your son has had two major events recently - and going to uni is the most recent one. He's setting out to build his own life and develop his independence. Let him do it. I have 3 at university - other than a family WhatsApp group we don't talk a great deal, and a lot of it is just chat and cat photos. Let him spread his wings and fly. The more you set him free, the more he will want to come back to you.

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