Ive been with my husband for nearly 21 years, married 8 years. Marriage is non existed.

[biglips]

Sorry its a long post... i just dont know what to do!

We just don't bother with each other anymore. We don't go out, don't sits in the living room watching telly together for years now as we end up arguing about crap thats not worth arguing about. We don't have sex, don't do anything apart from looking after our 3 kids age between 17 - 9.
We do have a laugh together but the sexual side is nil.

I do know what happened as he was gambling, on and off, a year before we got married and now stopped. (His ex business partner was blowing the money but he left now, my dh started to gamble when they were both working together). I dont trust him even though he stopped about 1 yr ago. I think that kills us.

Dh's dad passed away last December, we've still got all his possessions and items in our house and yard that his Dad bought out of boredom (ie a car polisher..he bought 2 but he got no car) that needs selling but he won't sort it out, he needs to split the money with his siblings. He got 5 massive boxes to go through. I'm not pushing him too much as it is still raw for him but its frustrating for me. I've mentioned it like 3 times to sort it. I can only do so much.

We are both feeling drained and depressed. Not good.

I don't know if this is worth saving the marriage as I can't just throw away 21 years down the drain but my husband just can't be arse for years.

I did book a hotel last year for his birthday, which we had a lovely time. We've only done that twice since our first child was born but we've never had the money to do it either. I'm now working full time so got money coming in.

I wanna talk to him but I'm so tired.

He knows that I've got a wall barrier up, incase he starts gambling again.

I'm atm just living day by day with my head being foggy.

I don't know what to do.

As you say, you can't just throw away the years. It it was me, I would have to certain he was not gambling again. I could not be certain and it's important to be absolutely honest with yourself, then there is no point trying to save anything, there will be nothing to save.

Could you get his siblings to actively help with sorting out their dad's stuff if they feel ready?

To fact is if he cannot be bothered and I can see how it could be the grieving and depression, then you just cannot do it alone. It has to be both of you wanting to get out of this rut. Sometimes things do have to end, doesn't mean it's worse for it. You have children, you have your job and there is so much more for everyone. It doesn't have to be together, does it? I think you have to decide what you want and really make the effort to talk to him, it's only fair. Perhaps a trial separation because it's not fair for you to be dragged down either, you've been a supportive wife, it's not you haven't been there for him all those years.

Sorry for the typos!

You can't throw away your past. It's already happened. You can only throw away your future.

You have to talk to him.

You can't throw away your past. It's already happened. You can only throw away your future.

Ohhh, that’s a good one.

@mokojolo is right.
Your suffering from This!!!

neurofied.com/sunk-cost-fallacy/

I was in the same situation. I decided my time and my future was all that I had left, I decided for my kids to show them that their time was important and that sex and love are important so I left. Like you it was 21 years.
Life is much better on the other side.

You're FFS

You don’t trust him, you said it yourself.
This will eat way at you and it will end eventually. It’s up to you if you go now, while you’re still young, or later.