I asked, he left, now what?

[87mum]

Been together for 8 years, married for 6 and 1 child together. Things haven't been great, a combination of everything really but my mental health has really taken a battering.
Neither one of us are awful people, but I just can't do it anymore.
Split up Jan 2020, promises of more help, things will get better etc then lockdown hit. Things did get better, it was more 50/50 bur then we were both at home 24/7, this did not continue when lockdown ended.

I'm back at work/uni/small business and trying to balance life/home/work and failing miserably. I have 2 moods miserable cow or angry all the time.

A few weeks ago, it just got too much and I asked him to leave/for space. Told him why, then we ended up on planned annual leave together. The thing is we get on so we'll when it's not normal life (all the time in the world, no stresses etc) but then we get back into life with a child/work etc it just doesn't seem to work. I suggested counselling to see if that could help us communicate better, and he's said he'll try after being dead against it.

He left last night after we told our son and I am broken but I just can't keep going on this cycle of me breaking down, him helping with more for a x number of weeks and then it just sliding backwards to me doing the lion share of things. I told him it go to the point of me not wanting him or my child around and I just can't feel that way anymore.

I'm sat this morning with my son and I'm just so sad. I didn't get married thinking we'd split and I just feel a bit lost. He's coming over to take our son tonight, as I know being separated from him won't be easy for my husband. He is a great dad, he works hard and he does help out it's just that the majority of it and the mental load is left with me.

I just don't know what to do anymore

Stick with your decision it's hard so incredibly hard but it will get easier and you will find even home stuff will get easier I'm two weeks in after my husband left and while to begin with my instinct was to fight for my family I'm realising it was for all of us the hardest part is our baby being upset and confused but he is slowly getting used to it too you've got this

Once you get over the shock of him leaving, the resentment of having to look after a man child will go and you'll start to feel happier. I promise. There's nothing more soul destroying than having to carry another adult whilst trying to juggle children, a job and a household. It's amazing how much better you feel when it's only you and your dc you're responsible for.
Look after you

Having one less person to run around after will be a revelation! Nobody to make mess bar you and your ds. Bliss, think of it that way.

Thanks guys, I just feel so sad and I shouldn't have to beg for help but at the same time I just wish it never got to this stage. He's agreed to counselling and I've reached out to them.

He knows that it might not help, and I've been very clear that this does not mean he gets back in.

Him and my son have now gone for the night and I'm just sat here. I've been to the gym already and I have no idea what to do with myself now. Only 2 people in RL know but I really don't want to annoy them with this.

Neither one of us are awful people, but I just can't do it anymore.

It sounds like you've come to the end of your time together as a couple. I'd hope that he now pulls himself around to be an adequate co-parent.

Only 2 people in RL know but I really don't want to annoy them with this.

I doubt you'd annoy them. I wouldn't be surprised if they were later a little bit hurt if they find out that you were going through this and didn't approach them for support.

You know that work and uni and all that other shit is just to enable us to live happily with our families right? So if it gets in the way then why not change everything about that rather than leave someone you love?

IF it genuinely is the case that you are perfectly good together when none of that shit is getting in the way that is.

I mean surely there will need to be some sort of income but I'd sooner consider we both entirely restructure our jobs and lifestyles rather than leave the people we love.

However, it may simply be that the relationship has ran its course and that you are just fundamentally incompatabile and that's why you use all that other stuff as an excuse as to why it isn't working.

But it's also possible that you both just need a bloody good holiday.

Reading your update, it sounds like he has actually just checked out of the relationship though.

Why isn't he the one reaching out to the counselling service? It's another example of you taking the mental load/doing the work.

OP,

A small correction, he isn't a good father.

If he was a good father he would be supporting you and his family, rather than leaving it to you.

Good men, good fathers, good husbands, do THEIR share.

The do their share to make family life work.

He doesn't do that.

When life is easier when a partner isn't around, it means something is not right.

Of course you are sad, but he has chosen to be a shit husband and father.

He has chosen not to do his share.

That is on him.

Be sad that he didn't care about his child and wife to make family life work.

He just didn't care about you both.

That is all on him.

Accept that he won't change and move forward with your life without the stress of his selfishness.

Keep posting.

No experience of similar myself but was out with 2 friends a couple of days ago.

One has been divorced a few years, her DH took jobs abroad to get out of family life, and still rarely comes back to see the kids.

The second said she was in a similar place to you, carrying all the load, both working but he didn’t do anything in house or for kids. She had asked him to help with an evening activity whilst she was elsewhere with other child (two 7-9 yr olds) and he just complained/made excuses.

She has given it until Christmas - he has said he doesn’t want kids to be from a broken time - but she acknowledged he won’t change, he just wants to live life his way.

I feel desperately sorry for her, and you, but as our other friend said when we met, she is so much happier now than when married. She admitted she was close to suicide, her mental health was so bad.

The thing is he does do stuff to help but I do have to nag, and that's just not me. I just need him to do more.

I get he has chosen not to do his share and he finally recognises that but part of me feels it's just a bit too late.

To the poster who asked about why is he not looking at counselling - I asked last year about going and he didn't want too. Again over the past month it's been met with - I don't know why we need it, why can't I just talk to you and he's not sure what it will help with. I've told him I feel the issue is our communication or lack of being able to communicate.

Part of me feels like I've already checked out and there are occasions where I feel he has checked out but part of me is not ready to give up but I think I'll always feel like this.

I think once the weekend if over and I get back to work and the usual running around, it might be a bit easier.

Thanks to everyone who's responded so far. I do feel like I'm doing the right thing no matter how hard it is at the minute.

The thing is he does do stuff to help but I do have to nag, and that's just not me

But it isn't solely your responsibility. When you talk about him "helping" it's tacitly agreeing with him that the home and childcare is yours to do, not what it should be ie. ours.

You shouldn't need to nag another adult sharing the home to do their part.

I think that "it's just too late" is the first part of realising that your marriage is not going to last.

Often men back peddle when told it is actually over but it is too late.

Fundamentally it comes down to them being selfish and prepared to screw you over as much as they can, by doing as little as possible.
Some of them definitely live to regret it when their wives take control from their hands and tell them they want a divorce.

OP, start to disengage emotionally, do nothing that benefits him specifically, and start getting your ducks in a row.

He may improve but if he doesn't you will be in a place where you are taking back some control.

Ultimately I believe life is better on your own rather than seething living with someone.

Keep posting.