Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not much hope if husband refuses to acknowledge any problems or make changes?

6 replies

blueskysahead7 · 01/10/2021 22:26

We’ve been together for 5 years married for 2 and have 1 year old DS. He started to become a workaholic just before I fell pregnant and has got worse. He rarely makes it home before DS is in bed, he does his hobby one day every single weekend, we hardly talk when he gets home, he doesn’t share his day with me just causal pleasantries when he gets home that’s as far as it’s goes. I do try to have conversations with him but it’s often just met with one word responses, we speak less than housemates so I can’t even call it that. We never do anything as a couple no date nights, no cuddles on the sofa and to be honest I’ve already emotionally checked out because of his lack of effort but want to try to make it work for DS. After bottling up how I truly feel for so long we ended up in a bit of a heated row tonight but he still refuses to see there is anything wrong with our marriage let alone make any changes. He a good person and provider for our “family” would do anything practically for me but I can’t take this much longer let alone for the rest of my life.

I can’t change anything on my own either can I? I honestly just think he likes it this way I think he finds connecting with me too much of an effort.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 01/10/2021 23:39

He probably does like things the way they are. It’s who he is and he may have correctly worked out you are putting form over function when it comes to family like.

The unit you are in is devoid of love and respect. Your child will realise that too. Function matters more when it comes to happiness.

layladomino · 02/10/2021 09:08

It takes two people to make a good marriage where both are happy.

At the moment, he likely thinks his life is good - enjoys his work (whilst having the satisfaction that makes him a good 'provider'), enjoys his hobby, makes minimal effort but has the benefits of a wife and child.

He has a very selfish life. He knows you aren't happy but doesn't care or want to make any changes that would make you happy. He thinks that so long as he is happy, then the marriage is fine. This underlines his selfish approach to life - if he's happy, everyone should be.

But you aren't. And if you can't change the marriage you have then you have no option but to leave it (or accept a lifetime of unhappiness).

I have a feeling you'll be much happier without him. A marriage devoid of affection, talking, connection, feeling wanted and respected and important to the other person is not a good marriage.

PussInBin20 · 02/10/2021 11:04

Totally agree with Layla.

Did you tell him that you weren’t happy and that although he might think “there is nothing wrong” that you do?

Ultimately only he can change himself (if he wants) and you can only change how you respond.

altmember · 02/10/2021 11:04

How are your finances? Is he working late to keep a roof over your heads or to avoid you?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2021 11:11

blueskysahead7

Re your comment:-

"We never do anything as a couple no date nights, no cuddles on the sofa and to be honest I’ve already emotionally checked out because of his lack of effort but want to try to make it work for DS"

You cannot make it work on your own and in particular for the sake of someone else; your H has to be equally as committed to this and he clearly is not. Trying also to make it work for your DS too is a mistake as there is really nothing to work on. Your son cannot and should not be used as the glue here to bind your H and you together.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?. You really do not want to teach him that a loveless relationship like this could become his "norm" too. He is not going to say "thanks mum" to you either for staying with his dad if you were to choose to do so. Staying for the sake of the child never works out at all well and is also a terribly heavy burden to place upon the kids.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2021 11:14

He being the selfish and self centered individual he is cares about his own life and happiness far more than yours or his son's. He has this set up just how he likes it; he is as happy as a clam so no wonder he does not want changes to happen. This is who he is and always was really and he is not going to change.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread