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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship has gone... Strange

21 replies

Hmmsomethingisntright · 01/10/2021 20:59

Been with DP about 5 years and have 1 DC together. Recently things have been... Off. I can't tell if it's in my head or if it's a real atmosphere!

A few months ago his phone was charging and he asked me to grab it for him, I picked it up and saw 2 messages pop up on the screen with 2 women's names I'd never seen before. Straight away I asked who they were - he said him, them, and one of his friends all used to work together. He and his friend had been chatting about the old job so he messaged them, he offered that I could read the messages. Had never came across anything like this (in this, or any, relationship!) So I didn't look at the messages. Thought weird, but ok.

Since then, I don't know if I'm doubting everything or if I'm staying in a relationship with someone who simply doesn't like me. We have no conversation anymore. Previously silences felt comfortable, now it's feeling awkward! I feel like anything I say gets little to no response so I'm walking on egg shells - I actually find myself trying to make light-hearted chit chat so he will speak to me. But that's exhausting, who has time for that 24/7?! No physical touch either. Sex sporadic and only after being initiated by me after hinting for about a week or if he's had a drink, and we sit on different chairs. Every time I've sat next to him he's stiff as a board and I feel he's trying to get away from me!

He's a great dad, and I can really feel the love from him towards our DC, but I almost feel like a live-in co-parent. Am I being anxious, or is the dynamic a bit weird?

OP posts:

layladomino · 01/10/2021 21:07

It does sound odd. But also I know that if you're worrying about something, you can project your worries on to the other person, look for 'signs' something is wrong, try too hard meaning they pull away, imagine tension where there is none.

It's hard to know if this is something you're imagining or something really is wrong, but from your description it sounds like it could be the latter.

Have you calmly spoken to him. Asked him why he no longer wants to have sex? Why he doesn't want to be touched?

Original poster

Hmmsomethingisntright · 01/10/2021 21:12

Thanks for the reply @layladomino. I am worried that I'm looking for things to confirm the worst. Tried a few times to have a serious conversation, the result is always 'everything's fine' or 'i'm tired' with a great big dose of silence!

OP posts:

layladomino · 01/10/2021 21:16

What would he say if you told him 'Everything isn't fine. I'm not happy. You've withdrawn from me. Is this how you see our relationship being from hereon - without affection, communication or sex?'

Brokeandtired3 · 01/10/2021 21:29

Simple answer here is to communicate all this to him and see where you stand. It could all be In your head, it could not. The only person who can answer that is him

layladomino · 01/10/2021 21:30

Just a suggestion - if you think there is a chance that you're imagining a problem, which in turn has created an atmosphere - you could try 'faking it' for a few days..... Make an effort to be the 'old' you - cool, relaxed, fun, unworried - whatever the 'normal' you is like. See if that relaxes him at all.

I'm recalling a period of a few weeks early on in my r'ship with DH. I'd imagined he was going off me (no idea why looking back) and couldn't be convinced otherwise. I then looked for further 'proof' and questionned him almost daily about his feelings / became quite moody I think. This was very unlike my normal behavior. He in turn became a quite grumpy and on edge person who didn't want to talk as much - when previously he'd always been up for a chat and was happy to discuss feelings. Which I saw as further proof ... you can see the slippery slope. Thankfully, I realised (and he told me) what I was doing, and I made a conscious effort to 'play the part' of who I really was. After just a day or two of having the old me back he visibly relaxed, I was reassured, my anxiety lifted and everything was back to normal.

Not saying you should play a part or pretend to be something you aren't, but in the circumstances this could either get things back on track (if you've imagined something and he's responding to your anxiety), or at least show you that you aren't imagining it.

Not sure that's at all helpful. And to be honest, even if it is something like that, he should afford you an honest answer when you've directly asked him what's wrong.

WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo · 01/10/2021 21:32

This isn’t you it’s him. He might have been very relieved his bluff of reading the messages paid off and you didn’t - maybe if you had said yes he would have flounced.

I would say we have basic friendship, no affection, no sex - even though I’ve tried initiating - this isn’t working for me

WildfirePonie · 01/10/2021 22:04

I'm walking on egg shells

Red flag.

He is doing it on purpose.

JustAnother0ldMan · 02/10/2021 11:07

Just ask him openly, it’s sounds like you are creating a bit of an atmosphere (maybe out of nothing)

SW1amp · 02/10/2021 11:10

@JustAnother0ldMan

Just ask him openly, it’s sounds like you are creating a bit of an atmosphere (maybe out of nothing)

Yes because men who are up to no good are FAMOUS for giving truthful answers when asked what’s going on

Torres10 · 02/10/2021 11:18

Trust your instincts ..if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's unlikely to be a zebra..

It is him, not you. Tell him to engage in the relationship or you will have to end it...but ensure you have your finances sorted first

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2021 11:28

Why are these men more often than not described as great dads?. Women in poor relationships often write that when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. He is not a great dad if he treats you, and in turn his children, like you are being treated.

If you are walking on eggshells that is indeed a huge red flag that you should not ignore.

He owes you an explanation and I do not think you will get this from him readily if at all. The truth will come out in dribs and drabs. FWIW I think he has possibly had his head turned by another woman (I would try and get hold of his phone) and his actions now could well be of someone who is guilty.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2021 11:31

It sounds like he has one foot out the door already here.

His silence after his protestations of "everything is fine" or "I'm tired" is also a way of shutting you down. Its all deliberate from him and he is protesting too much.

What is the situation re the finances and property?. Get all the paperwork together.

category12 · 02/10/2021 11:40

Trust your gut.

It's telling you something isn't right.

You're picking up on his actual behaviour towards you, you've described it clearly, it is not in your head.

Unfortunately if his head has been turned or he's cheating, he will lie and tell you it's you being paranoid.

Original poster

Hmmsomethingisntright · 02/10/2021 13:27

Thanks everyone for the advice. I'm definitely going to try that @layladomino, I think me getting stressed and overthinking definitely has a part to play! If I can be as laid-back as possible and it's still going on that will help to clarify things a bit.

For the posters who have advised speaking to him - it's a bit like getting blood out a stone! This week I've brought it up a few times but feel like I'm getting nowhere.

@AttilaTheMeerkat he is a great dad. I think a lot of it comes down to recognising that he has lots of good qualities, but wondering why they aren't directed at me.

Not a lot of financial independence. DP is the breadwinner. X

OP posts:

category12 · 02/10/2021 13:32

I would think about getting yourself a bit of independence, retraining or getting back into work, because if he is playing away you may be glad of it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2021 13:38

His behaviour towards you has made you feel more stressed, he is the root cause. Trying to be further laid back/playing it cool and or chilled here apart from being impossible to keep up could further make you feel even worse.

This has been going on for a while now and talking to him about this has seen you being shut down by further silence from him.
I would still try and get hold of his phone when he is in the shower, where is he leaving this at that time?.

If your friend was telling you all this re her man, what would your own counsel be?.

And sorry but no, he is not a good dad to his child because you are being treated with such overt disrespect. He is also not wanting to be honest with you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/10/2021 13:41

Your legal position here is poor and he likely knows that as well. He knows that you would only get child maintenance from him going forward in the event of a split.

Everything may be fine for him but it’s not fine for you, your gut is telling you that something is wrong here.

minthumbugs · 12/10/2021 05:24

You were all right ladies, and it wasn't in my head. He's been stringing me along for years - after explicitly telling me it's all in my head he has now left me. Bastard, can't believe I wasted so much time on him!

MyOtherProfile · 12/10/2021 05:32

@minthumbugs

Are you the OP? So sorry to read this. How did you find out? More importantly have you kicked him out?

MsDogLady · 12/10/2021 07:16

I’m so sorry, OP. He was obviously freezing you out and manipulating you. He had an agenda and allowed you to feel so unsettled. I say good riddance.

What did the loser have to say for himself?

You are devastated, but your anger will help you move through the grieving process. Do you and your little one have a good support system? You two are going to be fine now that your home is emotionally safe and peaceful.

minthumbugs · 12/10/2021 07:53

Oops! Yes I am the OP. I had name changed for this post.

I challenged him (several times) and always got the same 'everything is fine, it's all in your head' until I got a different response. Told me he hasn't loved me for a long time.

I don't really know what to do! No one does, but I really never expected I would be in this position... I'll definitely never doubt my own instincts again and I feel so stupid.

I have a great support system, I just can't believe I'm only going to have my DC part time now. XX

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