non molestation order

[lastresortx]

I'm keen to talk to anyone with any experience here. I've experienced years of emotional abuse. I'm no angel, but I'm at my wits end with ExP.

I want contact ceasing with him. I do however, want contact with DS to continue, I don't with to penalise DS in all of this. I'm not convinced that my case is strong enough as there is no DV, no police, just years of grinding me down and pushing my buttons and making me feel anxious and depressed.

I've reached my limit tonight and after hours of crying after being told what a shit parent I am, I can tolerate no more.

I have a different phone - he can only contact me by text on there and I turn it off. I told him this 6 years ago he sent me thousands of messages. Only talk about your son. Only discuss contact. And yes I had a life long non molestation order given by a judge in 2018 after 3 years of it. I was sent on a sip course and all sorts of crap but he out did himself with endless texts. The court will see it as you are the adult, it antagonistic and therefore you are both to blame. Courts don’t care about the women’s mental health it’s bleak - these men control us or try to from beyond our house.

What sort of order do you have now ? I made myself reply so nicely to every fucking text and always thought ‘a judge will see these’ so I was nicer then nicer.

You could start by changing your number and saying here is my new phone number (different phone) I will only respond to texts on a Thursday at 7 pm - reply to any that need replying to - write notes but I don’t agree or noted but this this false to any others and then turn it off

I have nothing in place at the moment. I haven't helped myself because I have exploded tonight at the insinuation that I'm not parenting well enough, he knows how to push my buttons and always has done.

This is why I think my argument will be weak, it will be seen as tit for tat, when in reality this has ruined most of my adult life. he makes himself look absolutely spotless.

Thanks so much for your reply. I feel really alone.

I am not sure if you will get one without police being involved or no DV.
What are the messages like?
Does he message alot?
Are they threatening, sexual or anything that isn't to do with your child?

If he's threatening or nasty don't respond.
If you do really need to write him any messages for example about contact keep them short and simple and emotionless.
Never respond if they are nasty or picking at you or name calling.
He wants a reaction, ignore, ignore, ignore, those sort of messages aren't worthy of any acknowledgement.

The problem is that the messages themselves are just petty, sarcastic, nasty. The reaction from me is almost like learned behaviour, it sends me into an anxiety attack and a defensive reaction and I lose sleep.

I've been so good for years with calm, even responses, but to this, I absolutely let loose on him for all of his parenting failures. it's a gut reaction when someone criticizes your parenting.

I’d start with the gp it’s effecting your mental health - mine was great and logged 38 issues over 4 years eg received text log brought into surgery she has reacted pleasantly but clearly being emotionally abused - these were all logged in my medical records - I can’t thank her enough for what she did - start with logging the medical impact and explaining to your gp what it is doing ask for face to face and show them the messages

Hi op how old is the child?
Do you let him in?
Can you have anyone there at handover or meet him in an open space ie outside a cafe?
Yes to getting another cheap phone - block him on your other one - text message only -=
Have you done the freedom course?
Look up the grey Rock technique.
Do you have any real life support.
Can you see him as inadequate bully who picks on the mother of his child. He’s a sad f..ker - 💐

I wouldn't want my son near an abusive man. No matter what the relation to him.

Obviously it's not that easy but your child will only suffer having a man like that in his life. Let alone as a role model.

So certainly don't bend over backwards facilitating contact.

I fled horrific dv last year and within days of doing so I got a non molestation order served to my ex without notice.. It was extended again this year after multiple breaches. I'm scared once it expires for good.
I would say that the court would expect police involvement. You could try, but at the very most you'd probably get an undertaking which is a pointless promise to the court. I would change all your contact details, and set up a specific email just for him that you communicate with regards to DD. Don't have it on your phone. When contact is due just log in a day before to discuss anything.
It's a small step, but should hopefully help a lot.

Highly unlikely to get a non molestation order. Something needs to of occurred with police being notified and ideally within 48 hours. Just stop contact, go through a 3rd party

Sounds like an abusive relationship to me. Definitely not a healthy one.

Do you have a local domestic violence organisation? I feel like it would really benefit you to just have a chat with them and see if they can offer you some support. Even if you don't end up taking it you'll know what they can offer.

Sounds like you're feeling really low, lacking control and feeling quite disempowered. You need to find a way to regain the control and empowerment in your life and re build that strength. Some good support will help you to do that.

I'm an IDVA. There's a lot of misinformation that floats about with regards to NMOs. There doesn't have to have been physical violence (or fear of it), it doesn't have to have been reported to the police and the harassment doesn't have to have been within a particular time frame (although if it's deemed 'historic' it'll be far less likely you'll get one).

I think those myths come about because organisations like DV Assist and NCDV have their own criteria for cases they'll accept and they tell callers that these are "the rules" rather than admitting they are "their rules".

You can apply for a NMO yourself - injunction.courtnav.org.uk/register. It's free to do this. When you submit the paperwork, a legal aid solicitor may contact you to offer to take the case on, but you don't need one, you can present the paperwork yourself at your nearest family court along with the correct form.

From what you've said, I'm not sure the court would grant an actual injunction, but they'll hear the case and may request your ex (and maybe you) to agree to an undertaking. This is just a promise to the court to pack it in. It doesn't really have any teeth to it, but it can stop the behaviour.

It helps (but it's not crucial) if you spell out to him that his behaviour is unacceptable (and do not retaliate). Have a separate email for him to use and insist it's to do with child contact only. As I said, I think that given what you said, a court would require an undertaking rather than granting a NMO, but it may be all you need to get him to stop acting like a stupid bully.

My ex husband was dreadful to me for years. It sounds pretty similar, the difference being he was also dreadful to the children. He no longer sees the children and has been warned not to contact me.
What I would say is you have to do everything you can to help yourself. That's your first stepping stone. You have to be careful that it's not just classes as toxic that you both are toxic rather than him being abusive.
You need to make it clear to him that his communication is unwelcome. You need to set very firm boundaries and not get pulled into name calling or game playing. As someone else said you need to be confident that you could show a judge your messages etc and that they would be considered exceptable. In essance it shows him up more if your reply is reasonable.
Here are some of the things I did.

1. blocked him until the day of contact. I also informed him of this.
2. if he needed to contact me before or after contact that was only to be done by email.
3. never get drawn into anything! And certainly don't get personal or emotional. Try and see it as a business relationship.
4. reply breafly and ignore anything inappropriate or unwanted. Honestly there is a lot you can do to help yourself.

Thank you all for your replies.

I have decided that I'm going to start with the above, separate phone number just for contact etc and spell out the contact arrangement in one message, so that he is aware of where I stand with everything and that he doesn't have to contact me except in case of an emergency.

All I can do then, is sit and wait it out and hope that it stops. If it continues I will then look to take further action.

I'm absolutely kicking myself for not having logged all of this over the years. I appreciate that there are so many women in awful situations so so SO much worse than mine, so I appreciate the sounding board.