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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner left 37 weeks pregnant

15 replies

Prayingforamiracle2021 · 01/10/2021 19:55

This is a really confusing situation which I have been trying to work out in my head but just cannot for the life of me think what is going off
Whe I got to 34 weeks pregnant my partner started doing things which made him look like he wasn’t interested in me anymore the usual working late , going out with friends more , spending time making himself look good. when I would question him he would just say I’m being stupid - the doting caring person he was just vanished.
Anyway a few weeks ago I decided to say that I wasn’t happy in fact very miserable - he then packed some of his things and left.
He has remained in touch everyday and says he wants to be there for the baby and is excited to be a dad to “OUR” child
He asked if his mum could collect the rest of his things - I told him that he needed to grow up and face his own responsibilities plus the baby is due very soon so if he can’t face me now how the hell does he expect to be there when the baby is born. In the end I arranged with his mum to drop his things off there which he agreed to but the day before I was due to do this he came and collected them himself - he got very upset when he Was here and had to leave.
Later he messaged to say that he couldn’t get his head straight after seeing me.
Anyway I feel that he didn’t mean to walk out , it was because I said I wasn’t happy - he now doesn’t know or is choosing to not making any commitment in how we move forward and is driving me insane.
He still keeps up with all financial commitment and like I said is in touch all the time - confused as hell , what do people reckon ?? 🤯🤯

OP posts:

BrilloPaddy · 01/10/2021 20:02

He sounds like a piece of shit, OP, putting you through this but I'm sure others will come along and blame anxiety on becoming a new dad

I'd focus on getting through the last few weeks of your pregnancy, look after yourself and only contact him when you're ready to. Someone who loves you doesn't treat you like this

layladomino · 01/10/2021 21:40

Oh he's treating you terribly. Remember how he was before he left? I think you're regretting saying you were unhappy as you feel that drove him away. But you weren't happy, so if you hadn't said it, you might still be with him but unhappy. So no further forward.

When you said you weren't happy, he could have asked what he needed to do to make things right. He could have begged you for another chance. He didn't do any of those things. He left. He hardly fought for your relationship did he?

I suspect he might mess you around for a while yet. Keeping you 'sweet' so you don't cause any drama for him, leaving you thinking there's a chance, even coming and going and leaving you wondering if he wants to be with you or not. That won't be good for you or your child.

One thing's for certain - if he wanted to be with you, you would be in no doubt and he'd be there, and doing all he could to make things good again.

Please be strong, and stay away from him as much as you can. And be clear that he can't come and go - you expect him to be a good dad, but your relationship is over.

SleepingBunnies21 · 01/10/2021 21:58

started doing things which made him look like he wasn’t interested in me anymore the usual working late , going out with friends more , spending time making himself look good.

I'm sorry to say this, bit aren't those classic signs of cheating or looking to cheat.

SleepingBunnies21 · 01/10/2021 22:02

He certainly took the opportunity you (understandably on your part) gave him to leave you very quickly and easily.

His behaviour when he called around suggests guilt/mixed feelings/not sure what.

He's definitely not committed, that's for sure.

Tippytaps · 01/10/2021 22:12

I’m sorry to say this sounds all too familiar. My sister was 36 weeks when he walked out.

He had got his affair partner pregnant and decided to test out a relationship with her instead. He didn’t even have the courage to tell my sister himself, she found out from the neighbours.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/10/2021 22:15

He was cheating on you. Telling him to leave made it very easy for him.

ElleStartingOver · 01/10/2021 22:18

I’m sorry but I agree with the other posters - there is more than likely someone else.

Men don’t leave to go to a cold bed.

jelly79 · 01/10/2021 22:21

I'm so so sorry. Same happened to me. Changed over night and was so cold, different person. But crumbled when he saw me.

You have to take care of you right now, surround yourself with those that love you and you can rely on you.

I am 5 years on now and I cherish every moment. Do not let him take any of these moments from you xx

Lampzade · 01/10/2021 22:24

He’s cheating.
He will lie and tell you that he is not cheating and that he just needs space.

blueskysahead7 · 01/10/2021 22:36

So sorry you’re going through this.
The simple truth is if a man wanted to be in your life he would be. No games, no “I’m confused” men don’t work like that. You did nothing wrong expressing how you feel, in a healthy relationship you should be able to talk about how you feel and work through it. You and your baby will be better off without him in the long run and hopefully you can see that rather than letting him string you along. He’s left you whilst you're vulnerable so he knows he has the upper hand right now but try to stay firm with him and take back some of the control whilst you can.

MsDogLady · 02/10/2021 07:59

His behavior changed. He was absent and disengaged, and when you tried to address this, he called you stupid. Then, when you were honest about your unhappiness, instead of caring and working it out, he bailed on you.

I agree with others that he has been cheating. He is that man who betrayed and abandoned his trusting, pregnant Partner. It sounds like the guilt, gravity and finality of his unethical choices smacked him in the face when he last saw you.

Take control, set boundaries, and definitively end the relationship. Make a sweet life with your baby and develop a workable co-parenting relationship.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 02/10/2021 08:52

I don't think it's as clear cut as some say.
How old is he OP?
When we had our first my partner was 26 but still a very committed 'bachelor'. He very much went off the rails when I was approaching the end of my pregnancy and started acting out like he was 18 again. I do t think he cheated, he just desperately wanted to not lose his youth and become some stay at home type.
He was awful to me, emotionally absent, unaffectionate, unhelpful, out all night, generally just being a dick.
He's 50 now and absolutely knows he was like that and acknowledges why. He changed after a few years. But to be honest I was mentally done by then. If he had been more mature we would have managed.
I'm sorry you are going through this OP. If he won't talk to you properly it'll be hard to sort out, but I would still try. But that's on the proviso that you really love him and feel he is capable of change. If there is any doubt, don't waste any more time on him.

Miseryl · 02/10/2021 11:37

There will be another woman on the scenes. I'm so sorry OP. Fire him off and concentrate and you and the baby and get support from your support network (hopefully you have one) and not him.

Keep any contact strictly about contact and maintenance payment for the baby. Tell him this and that he isn't to contact you unless urgent and you will keep him updated with any relevant updates. If he proves to be a crap dad you can get rid of him from your lives all together.

MrsWooster · 02/10/2021 11:47

Every sign says he is cheating on you. Prioritise your own well-being and that of your baby.
I would not put him on the birth certificate and I would apply fit child maintenance from the birth.

updownroundandround · 02/10/2021 14:31

First he began going out more frequently, working 'late' and making an extra effort with his appearance.

Then he disengaged from you emotionally.

When you asked him about this, he called you stupid....

After a few more weeks, you tell him you are unhappy and don't feel loved.............and he fucks off, as fast as he could, without so much as a backward glance ??!!

Honestly ? He's definitely been cheating (or trying very hard to !!).

He only felt 'guilty' when he had to face you ffs ! (And the 'guilt' only lasted as long as he could actually see you ffs !)

He's a selfish bastard who actively went looking for someone to cheat on you with. He's never going to be the 'man' you hoped he was.

Look after your baby and yourself.

Leave him to do whatever it is he's been doing for weeks/months now. He showed you no love or respect when you were sat at home with his baby growing inside you, and now it's your turn to ignore him, because he deserves zero love/trust/consideration from you after what he's done.

And quite honestly, I'd be choosing a new birthing partner who actually cares about you, because he'll make the birth all about him and his wants/needs/hunger/tiredness etc

After the baby is born, you'll need to make some hard decisions about whether or not he should even be put on the birth certificate (because it will give him the 'right' to oppose your parenting choices in the future).

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