Is this alcohol related or just pure, unadulterated bitterness?

[sweetrhubarb]

NC here.
My ex husband and I split 5 years ago after a very long marriage. It's been a horrendous time, but I"m well and truly over him and am happy with life. Ex is still with OW and they have children together (he's mid 50's and she's 34 I think), so he's back to sleepless nights and changing nappies. Our own kids are in their twenties.
The issue is this.... ex has turned into one almighty bastard since we split and he's not only vile to me (I can take it as I just ignore him) but to his family members and our daughter. His anger goes from 0-10 in a nanosecond (I never saw this is 25 years of marriage) and his comments are beyond hurtful and childish.
I know he was drinking before we split but now he's aged about 15 years and has a bizarre puffy face.
I just don't know what has happened to him and the abuse just keeps on rearing it's head. It seems he will do anything he can to hurt those who were once close to him.
Any thoughts? I"m not hugely au fait with alcoholism.

What difference does it make to anything? Could be alcoholism, yes. Could be got up on the wrong side of the bed. Could be on days when he wears those underpants that go up his bum.

What does it matter? Wondering why abusive people are abusive is a dangerous rabbit hole, and the more abusive they get, the further down the rabbit hole you go. It can take up lots of your time and energy. Is that how you want to be spending your time and energy?

@TheFoundations - you ok sweetie? Apologies if I hit a nerve x

Im concerned for my children whose hurt I deal with.

Guessing your daughter is in her 20s? Can’t she just go NC with him doesn’t sound like she’d gain anything from this relationship with a man like him! Hope she’s ok x

I reckon he knows he has made a complete mess of his life but instead of taking responsibility he is blaming every one else. Seeing you getting on happily will only add more resentment and bitterness. Stay well away and waste no energy as he is not your responsibility any more..luckily.

@dangerousCity - yes, and that's what's currently happening, however it's tough going when the relationship has previously always been so good.
I'd like to think that we are all strong enough to attempt to be on good terms and not live like an episode of the Jermey Kyle show , hence my asking how to deal with such situations and changes in people.
I"m not one to give up so easily.

[quote sweetrhubarb]@TheFoundations - you ok sweetie? Apologies if I hit a nerve x

Im concerned for my children whose hurt I deal with.[/quote]
What the hell?!

If you're concerned about your children, keep them and yourself away from abuse, rather than trying to figure out the abuser. Abusers don't make sense.

@thefoundations
Sorry, I was reading your other posts around the same subject so assumed you were upset.
It's very hard to "keep children away" when they are in their twenties. All I can do is support them, hence why I was looking for information and support.

@sweetrhubarb I suggest you listen to what @TheFoundations is saying. They were a great help to me when I was being abused and while the advice may not be sugarcoated it is excellent advice none the less.

@ElleStartingOver - who you you mean "they"?
So sorry you suffered.

TheFoundations.

No advice, but I hope your children are ok.

Why do you care he’s your ex fuck him.
Tell your dc if they don’t want to see him they don’t have too. Hard for them yes but don’t waste your time trying to figure him out.

You & him split up 5 years ago, so he is no longer your problem and the fact that he is being ‘vile to his family members’ is none of your business.

Cut & block all contact with him. Your children are adults and are capable of managing their own contact with their father without your intermediation.

OP, it will be the bitterness that he now stuck raising small kids, every one is doing well and getting on with their lives and he has just started the struggle again.

He certainly isn't happy as he wouldn't be drinking so much.

Regarding your adult kids, kids are actually very loyal. If he is verbally attacking them, listen to what they have to say, ask them how they feel about it and discuss it that way rather than attacking him. This worked very well with my dd1 (although her dad was never nasty to her just a complete waste of space) She sees him very rarely now and that's only if it benefits her.

You can help him and you will have to sit back and watch him destroy relationships - buts its bed and he made it.

I would cut contact yourself entirely and support your dc by encouraging them to speak to al-anon.

I can understand your feelings as you know it's hurtful to your children. Especially if he had previously been a good Dad.

Did he leave through an affair? If so he maybe angry with his life..grass not as green.
All you can do is support your children in their sadness and overtime they will get used to reduced contact. Discuss how his anger isn't their responsibility or fault.

People who have had to go NC with their parents might be able to advise.

I think @junebirthdaygirl is right.

It's unacceptable and you both need to set up very strong boundaries to stop him being abusive.

If he then continues, you have to stop contact with him until he learns.

Ah could be so many reasons. Alcohol may be playing a part. Also bitterness.

Just ignore, keep getting on with your lives. I'm sorry he's being a twat to your dd. It could be guilt? He's lashing out because he feels guilty that he hurt her by splitting with you for the OW. But ultimately, it doesn't really matter. At least your dd doesn't have to see him if she doesn't want to, as she might if she was still a kid.

What a tit he sounds though. You are very well rid.

I know you don't want to hear it, but I agree that there is no benefit in you knowing why he's become so bitter and angry. It wouldn't change anything if you knew. So any time you spend thinking about it is time wasted. Has he not stolen enough of your life?

All you can do is encourage your dd to ignore his nonsense. Do you still have contact? I’d be blocking him, tbh.

Alcohol or not, there is no excuse for abuse. Id be drumming that into your daughter.

So that she doesn't walk into an abusive relationship and instead of leaving, tries to figure out the whys about why its happening.