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Relationships

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Original poster

Any advice on what’s happened here?

19 replies

Happystar864864 · 01/10/2021 16:22

all, looking for some suggestions on what has happened here…

For a long time (decades) husband has asked wife to sleep with other men. It’s been a fantasy in the bedroom that she has gone along with but both are fully aware that the fantasy is all his.

After some considerable requests and him joining a forum and sending messages , as her to a man, she decided she’d better give it a go because he’s never stopped asking and is asking a lot more.

She at no point explicitly says the words ‘no’ but she also never encouraged it and had resisted acting on his requests for their entire relationship. But went along with it showing no obvious objection.

Fast forward, she took the reins and went onto sleep with three different men. She did not say to her husband how horrible it made her feel and in-fact said the opposite to him (maybe out of shame for her actions which were totally out of character, or fear of saying that she didn’t like it after she went with it and he was loving it).

She brought it all to an end and things between her and her husband have been really hard since because of how she felt about herself and how she felt her husband viewed her (objectified her for his pleasure and wanted her to sleep with strangers. She felt unloved by him and struggled to look at him the same) He says if she had said no it would never have happened but she didn’t, and now divorce is likely.

My question is, the wife clearly has blame to hold, she was an active participant. But she only did it because he wanted it. Is he right that she should have said no explicitly and then it would never have happened or should I husband not want this is of his wife. She gave in because of his increasing requests but when it didn’t work out it’s her fault for agreeing to do it.

This is obviously a cut down version but I’d really appreciate any opinions on what happened and how much bake she holds in it all.

Thanks

OP posts:

Blanca87 · 01/10/2021 16:26

Sounds like she was coerced into it.

VanGoghsDog · 01/10/2021 16:28

There is no right or wrong here.

He has a kink (a cuckold kink) which she initially entertained as just a fantasy then went along with in reality. But it's not her kink, so it wouldn't make her feel good.

Turns out, he only liked the fantasy of the kink, not the real life version.

Basically, finding fault is pointless. If they want to stay together they need to work through this (kink friendly counselors can be found) but if not, the literal adultery is, of course, grounds for divorce. And I would suggest individual counseling would probably be useful as well.

VanGoghsDog · 01/10/2021 16:28

@Blanca87

Sounds like she was coerced into it.

No, she doesn't really.

layladomino · 01/10/2021 16:30

He shouldn't have 'gone on' for years about something that his wife clearly didn't want, and which she would find degrading and potentially unsafe.

But she should not have gone along with it when she didn't want to. And certainly shouldn'y have pretended to enjoy it.

He should take the bulk of the blame for suggesting it, going on about it, making her feel guilty for not doing it, setting up messages without her full cooperation.

But he couldn't force her to do it, and she needs to understand why she did - is she frightened of him?

Palavah · 01/10/2021 16:34

Working out how much 'blame' she should take doesn't sound like a super-helpful concept to be honest. If you are the wife, let go of the idea of blame as it won't help you. You may want to try some talking therapy to work through your feelings about all of this.

girlmom21 · 01/10/2021 16:48

It doesn't really matter how much blame each party feels responsible for.

Even if you felt coerced, once you'd slept with the first man, if you'd have been honest, you wouldn't ever have gone on to sleep with the other two.

You don't have sex with 3 strangers on separate occasions to fulfil someone else's fantasy without any positive feelings yourself. You assert your boundaries.

The husband should never have put so much pressure and force on to the wife but the wife should have said no.

You can't have any kind of open relationship without incredible communication.

me4real · 01/10/2021 17:14

I wouldn't say she's to blame at all @Happystar864864 . If she hadn't been pressurised by her husband, she wouldn'tve done it. Also maybe she didn't want to say how she was feeling as she was worried her husband would make her life a misery one way or another, or leave her.

VanGoghsDog · 01/10/2021 17:20

@layladomino

He shouldn't have 'gone on' for years about something that his wife clearly didn't want, and which she would find degrading and potentially unsafe.

But she should not have gone along with it when she didn't want to. And certainly shouldn'y have pretended to enjoy it.

He should take the bulk of the blame for suggesting it, going on about it, making her feel guilty for not doing it, setting up messages without her full cooperation.

But he couldn't force her to do it, and she needs to understand why she did - is she frightened of him?

You say "clearly didn't want", but the OP says she "It’s been a fantasy in the bedroom that she has gone along with"

And then she decided to act on it in real life.

So, she did play along. For "decades".

The husband has a bit of a point - she never said no, this is a hard limit for me, stop mentioning it.

me4real · 01/10/2021 17:20

you don't have sex with 3 strangers on separate occasions to fulfil someone else's fantasy without any positive feelings yourself. You assert your boundaries.

Yes, some people who feel able to do. Others who aren't very assertive and know their partner would want them to carry on with the thing, don't feel able to say anything. That doesn't mean they enjoyed it.

I did all sorts of things with my last ex ('F'WB) that I didn't want, to keep him wanting to be my 'friend.' I also would've claimed that I liked it, to keep him approving of me so he didn't stop seeing me.

After the person has done something once, they often face more pressure than before to do it again, as their partner thinks they can be convinced into it as they've done it once.

I had to learn assertiveness about these things fairly late in life to an extent. Not everyone feels able to do it at various times or for various reasons- the partner might have a strop if they don't do what he wants etc.

Colourmeclear · 01/10/2021 17:29

It is a difficult one because it is our responsibility to assert our boundaries and maintain them however there are reasons that these can be difficult to uphold. It was common to hear these kinds of stories at the freedom program I attended regarding abusive relationships. A lot of the women struggled very deeply with their actions and the conflict that existed in their relationship. One of the trauma responses is to be unusually compliant and avoid confrontation at all costs. It can be very hard to reconcile those actions against our core beliefs and it has been something I struggled with personally (although different circumstances). You don't give a wider context to know if this was in a context of a power imbalance or coercive control. The pretending to be her on a forum does sound problematic to me. I struggle to see that being an act of honesty that wasnt intended to force her hand in some way or make it difficult for her to say no..."see I've already found someone, you are attractive to other men etc etc".

There are some situations were both sides could have and should have acted differently. Both sides have responsibility and must respect that the outcome was the result of both parties actions or inaction (excluding cases of abuse). Some events are terribly destructive and there is no winner or loser, just losses on both sides.

I think the I have a kink, would you be interested, no?, Ok. Should be the end of the discussion. I don't think it's appropriate to keep bringing it up. Even if they subsequently agree you should make it very clear, beyond all reasonable doubt, that they were happy with the arrangement. You don't mention if it was clear but "she didn't explicitly say no" makes me question this, as there is more to consent than the words yes and no and often we hear what we want to hear not what is really being said. How did these conversations go?

Pinkbonbon · 01/10/2021 17:32

The real issue is that the wife put the mans desires before her own basic human needs. That is not something to feel shame over but it highlights how little self love she has. Petjaos because she lives with a man who has consistently treated her as if her worth comes only from his sexual gratification.

She has lost her self worth because of his treatment. And that caused her to behave in ways that she never thought she would.

It is important now that she realise that this man never valued her. He never truly SAW her. And she should stop taking this pale reflection of herself that he is projecting back at her as gospel. Because it is not the truth.

Sge needs to leave him and never lower herself for any one again. Let alone a man who does not know how to appreciate her true value because he is a troglodyte who only seeks to use and abuse women for his own gratification.

The shame is his and his alone.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 01/10/2021 17:34

If it was as easy as saying no and imposing your boundaries, there would be no women in shitty relationships,in abusive relationships etc. Everyone would simply say no thank you and it would stop/they would leave.

We all know real life doesn't often work like that though.

Left · 02/10/2021 00:17

Sounds like sad situation all round, I don’t think asking stranger to allocate blame is a healthy way to deal with it.

morethanspice · 02/10/2021 09:50

Unless you have been in a similar situation it’s impossible to appreciate how it feels to be coerced into sexual activity
I’ve been there and it’s horrendous

billy1966 · 02/10/2021 18:23

The husbands sounds like scum and he coerced his wife into this position.

I hope his wife divorces his scummy ass and doesn't blame herself.

The wife needs counselling urgently.

isadoradancing123 · 02/10/2021 20:04

She has to take responsibility for her own actions, if she is a fully functioning adult

Zerrin13 · 02/10/2021 20:22

The most forthright way to have discouraged this would have been to tell him to fuck off with his filthy kinks decades ago, but she didn't, did she??

Thehop · 02/10/2021 20:33

I agree with @VanGoghsDog

Livelovebehappy · 02/10/2021 23:54

It sounds coercive and abusive on the husbands part. If a woman is in love, and she feels her relationship is on the line if she doesn’t keep him happy, some women with low self esteem will fall in with the husbands suggestions to stop him leaving her. It’s not always as simple as refusing. A strong minded confident woman would never do something she didn’t want to do.

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