Cutting a toxic parent off

[Mondui]

After 43 years of living I am finally getting to the point where I would like to cut my toxic mum out of my life . I don’t want to cut my siblings just my mum so it might be difficult .

During my childhood I suffered , emotional abuse and neglect and sometimes at the hands of my dad physical abuse such as hitting or being threatened.

Many times in my very early teens my dad would throw me and my brother out in the middle of winter and my mum would watch as we sat in the snow with no coat waiting till we were allowed in . We never had food , heat , clean clothes and were never shown any love . My brother seems to have blocked this out and remembers little.

I feel like sometimes I have ptsd from this period in my life. They constantly called me fat when I wasn’t causing me to develop bulimia, they then taunted me about that .

My mum is rude , unfriendly and just a general awful person . She thinks the world owes her a favour .

This weekend she was meant to babysit my little ones while me and my husband went away for one night . She encouraged me to book a hotel and a nice restaurant. I have asked her everyday this week if she is still ok with it , she waited till the day after I couldn’t get a refund in the hotel and said she didn’t feel up to doing it .

I am kind of at the end of my tether am I being dramatic?

If it feels right for you then no, you're not being dramatic. If you are sure she has such a negative impact on your happiness then go NC.

See a good therapist. Going no contact is a very difficult road otherwise. Therapy eases the pain. How do you feel your dibking will react?

Sibling

YANBU but why were you planning to leave your children with someone who had behaved so badly in the past?

Mint can be because she feels she wants to try and please her Mother

I disagree that cutting off a toxic parent is hard without therapy. I'm sure it is for some. For me it was the biggest relief and I haven't regretted it at all in the seven years since. Just do it. You deserve to be happy and you don't even owe them an explanation. You're an adult and you can choose who is in your life.

I understand how you feel. For YEARS I've been putting off cutting my physically abusive mother and step father out of my life becaue I felt like I was being too "dramatic". When in reality I should have cut them out AND called police on them years ago.

It's a big big big step to take but I know I need to do it. And it sounds like you need to too.

I wish there was more professional (affordable) support out there for people like us.

I also have siblings. And by not taking to my mother- I don't get to talk to them either. It's tough and hurts so I really empathise on how you feel op

If I was you I wouldn't be trusting her anywhere near my kids but that's obviously your choice. But she sounds toxic.

I'm sorry you've had all this happen to you

I managed for four years then i sought therapy. I carried a lot of guilt and pain around and it was taken from my shoulders

@MintJulia

YANBU but why were you planning to leave your children with someone who had behaved so badly in the past?

Exactly what I was thinking. Your mother is the last person you should leave your child with.

Thanks all

@MintJulia because if I don’t let her look after them she makes my life hell since they were born I have left them 3 times never over night I am not a bad parent !

janinlondon no strange things my dad was an alcoholic and a gambler

He would pick us up from school and we would wait outside the bookies for hours . The headteacher saw us waiting there and would go in and ask him to come out . Social services were never involved at all which is strange I guess when he slipped through the net
When he gambled we had nothing we ran out of electricity and had a coal fire but once the coal ran out we had nothing till the next payday . We got changed into school clothes under our bed clothes it was so cold
We had food when he won but when he didn’t we had to live on handouts and would go hungry - school dinners were a life line
My mum could not use a washing machine with out electric so we wore clothes over and over
When I started my period I had to use rolled up toilet rolls
When we got throw out it was because he was drunk and just because we might had looked at him wrong or he was arguing with my mum so he threw us all out
He strangled my brother so hard at 11 he passed out . We never called the police or had anyone nearby we could call

I find your post hurtful and judgemental why would I lie ?

SammyScrounge@ thanks for the helpful post , she has quite a few grandchildren and is good with them I guess I am a bad parent .

@ Vaccine001 thank you

I will ask MN to delete this post I know I am a bad parent for letting her look after my kids but she is my mum and for all she is I love her .
I left home at 19 I would have gone anywhere with anyone but I moved to London a few hundred miles away and got in a 10 year relationship with someone who made my life hell . Successful professional mad who had a good job but at home he criticised my every move , how I walked , my job , what I wore , what I ate , how fast I run , how long I spent in the gym , what I bought from a shop my every move
When he was drunk he hit me , he strangled me so hard I had bruising all around my neck , he punched me so hard my head span every time I moved it . He pressured me to have 2 abortions .

When I finally left I met a wonderful person and had 2 beautiful babies .

Now I guess since my dad died , my mum is becoming nastier and the trauma of my life is surfacing

I know people have had it a lot hard than me but I have had to put up with some difficult things

As a child I never told anyone and as an adult I never told anyone

#man

You aren't a bad mum.
I hope you can find the help & support you need to move on from your terrible past & enjoy the future.

It sounds like therapy would be useful all round, very glad you're with a decent person now but it does sound like you've had more than your fair share of horrible people about. I can't advise about going nc but I should think therapy mighty help you with that if it's something you want to do long term/permanently.

Well done for arring at a clear feeling at only 53

At 49 i felt so angry that there was only ONE perspective allowed. I finally understood that our family dynamics were to blame. My mother and father still expect a superiority/ compliance based relationship with me. Any attempt to give feedback is perceived as a hurtful attack on them.

I tried to explain this to them. Total waste of time. Ive been stonewalled and mobbed.

In yr shoes id just fade away to grey.

No trying to make her 'see'.

I thought my parents would be the exception. :-( But no, they are the rule.

They never get an epiphany.

Id cut down on everything. Visits. Texts. Delayed response. Birthday cards. Infrequent short calls. Juuust enough contact that she doesnt understand you have cut her off.

Post on the Stately homes thread, there will be no victim blaming on there unlike some of the replies here.
It would be good for you to talk this through with someone, therapy could help.

You’re not a bad mother but I do think you should not leave your own children with this vile woman. She’ll never change. Seriously, consider reducing or eliminating contact with her. Perhaps therapy would help you see that she has no real power over you any more.

I didnt want to lose my sibling but i have. I should have kept my opinions about them to myself. My brother isnt speaking to me now.

Therapy is recommended on here like it FIXES trauma. It has merely made me feel a bit less anxious.

It was a complete retraumatisation to tell them they had hurt me and for them to drill down so hard on being the victims of me!

The original trauma is only a little bit less wounded than it ever was but id still recommenf therapy. Its been centering for me. Not a magic wand.

But my advice; keep yr thoughts to yrslf.
Relegate them to people you expect NOTHING from.
Grey rock them.
Dont bother to share yr thoughts with them.

I did it all wrong. Shared my thoughts hoping they'd understand or care.
Not only did they not listen not care not understand but now the narrative in the FOO and extended family is that they are the victims of me.

Im nearly over the retraumatisation. Obviously it hurt so much because of the original wound. I just invited them to show me again. And they did.

I agree, sharing your thoughts with her or siblings will do no good. If anything, they will use them against you and it will keep the trauma cycle going.
Speak to someone out of it, a therapist, get it out your head.
In the mean time, slowly grey rock your mother. Start thinking of yourself and your own care. Be a parent to yourself, you wish you had.

You poor thing OP, please ignore the ignorant dicks posting above. You don't need to explain yourself, and I'm so happy you have a good person in your life.

Grey rock may help. It's easy for me to say cut her out, it's what she deserves, but as you said she's your mum, it's not that easy. It must be awful now being a mum yourself, knowing you deserved so much more x.

Thanks all - fazing things out is a good idea and pretty easy . If I don’t contact her she doesn’t contact me not even to ask about my children and then she tells the whole family I don’t bother to contact her .

My brother who is 12 months older than me got the worse of the violence but he finds it hard to talk about and says things were ok we had a roof . My dad mellowed a lot in his old age and my brother wants to remember that person , he too falls out with my mum regularly but his memory has blocked out the worse stuff

I have had therapy in the past and found it helpful so will go down this route again

EMDR can be particularly helpful with trauma OP.

I am very low contact with my mother. If it weren't for my dad maybe I'd have cut her off by now. It's very difficult.

I wouldn't leave your DC with her though.