Have I been emotionally abused? Confused and Pregnant

[OctMama]

Hi ladies

I feel stupid for writing this, I came out of an abusive marriage two years ago and met a man who seemed very decent and had been through something similar I am 27 he is 40 and currently I live with my supportive family. I had a lot of counselling and we took the relationship slowly then the lockdown hit and we ended up spending a lot of time together as most new couples did and everything seemed perfect and healthy, I felt like I was healing and we made plans for the future.

As we became more comfortable sometimes contraception was missed and we discussed this and weren’t actively trying but I said if I did get pregnant I wouldn’t have an abortion and he agreed although he is Middle Eastern and said we’d have to get married. Fast forward to March and a missed period that id put down to stress I had a positive pregnancy test. As soon as I told him he acted very hostile towards me and insisted on an abortion, I asked him to let me seek some medical advice and have some counselling with BPAS before I rush into anything as I was 8 and a half weeks and didn’t feel I could do it. He is a doctor so I thought he’d be reasonable and understand how life is created and respect my choice but before I could even discuss my feelings or what the GP said I was blocked which played absolute havoc on my mental state when I already had terrible morning sickness and hormones.

This continued for the next 6 months before he decided to make a reappearance I gave him the ultimatum that we either remain civil and discuss the future for our child or we work on our issues and try and make things work out which he insisted he wanted a future and he hasn’t stopped thinking of me.

We met up at the end of august and he was so conflicting and confusing one minute putting his hands on my tummy and suggesting baby names the next minute saying he can’t do this. I went to stay with him and had just recovered from Covid at 32 weeks pregnant and all of a sudden at 9.30 at night when I was exhausted and taking my blood thinning injection he decided I needed to go home and drove me the hour long journey back with me in tears telling me that I’d ruined his life and planned all this as I knew he had pressures from his family to get engaged to a cousin (this came as a massive shock too as he constantly reassured me it would never happen and he loved me). He has since told me that I have “pushed over a cliff that can’t be fixed” and said if he stayed with me he’d keep me and the baby a secret as he wouldn’t be a good role model to his community which has made me feel really sick.

I am 36 weeks now and the blocking has started again, I asked him to meet me for a coffee to discuss child maintenance but he won’t answer. I feel so hurt and betrayed and wanted to spend the last few weeks before the birth of our son to rest and mentally prepare but I feel like my mental health is declining and feel so guiltily for my baby that I can’t give him a decent father. I’m also worried about the future and finances although I have worked two NHS jobs to provide him with everything. My family have been amazing and I’m planning to stay with my mum for support for a while.

He has a son from his previous marriage who is now 6 and it seems his ex wife despised him as she won’t let him stay overnight. He said when she was pregnant they were going through a divorce and he didn’t see his son until he was a few months old I’m now wondering whether this is just history repeating itself.

If you have got this far thank you for reading I guess I am just in a desperate situation and looking for some advice on how I can heal from this and move forward as I’m feeling very fragile. 😞 thank you x

He's awful and yes, emotionally abusive. I'd block him on everything, contact the CMS for child support, and prepare to parent alone. He's shown that he can't be trusted so ignore any pleas. He's not good for you.

You could do the Freedom Programme so you can spot red flags sooner in future relationships.

I am by no means an expert but didn’t want your message unanswered. Please don’t go back to this man. To my mind it sounds like he is doing to you what he did to his ex. As soon as he needed to step up and make a commitment he baled out. Maybe because he felt his partner wasn’t what his traditional family wanted? Which isn’t in any way an excuse. I’d block him, don’t put his name on the birth certificate, enjoy your baby and keep your supportive family around you.

And get on to child maintenance to get some financial support from him for your child. Good luck.

I think he’s shown his true colours, let him go. You’re done doesn’t need to be any ones secret or deserve a flaky dad. Be careful about adding him to the birth certificate but if you want maintenance etc you’ll have to add him. He’s strung you along because he’s not grown enough to deal with it. Seems history is repeating itself and he’s brought you along for the ride. Ignore unless he makes an effort, let home come to you. Enjoy your last few weeks and your newborn and forget about him

Oh op what an arsehole this man is to you, your baby, his ex wife and son. Jusy like the ex wife you can and will do this alone. Come to terms with that rather than being afraid of it. Your son has you and doesn't need someone coming in and out of his life. You will be fine with support from your mum too and you and your son will be happy. Good luck x

Completely agree with all except that I am fairly sure you don't have to add him to the birth certificate to get maintenance from the father. If you tell CMS he's the father, he can either agree or appeal with a DNA test which in this case will obviously come back saying he's the father. I'd be hesitant to add him to birth certificate. He could use it to make life difficult for you and your child.

I was also under the impression that the father needs to be present at registration to add him to the birth certificate anyway, and given how changeable he seems I'm not sure whether OP could definitely say he would turn up?

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. And yes, he sounds abusive to me.

He is totally horrible. You really don't want him in your life. Dont put him on the birth certificate. I think you can still apply for maintenance. And absolutely dont get back into a relationship with him.

Thank you all for your positive words of encouragement and advice, I think the relationship has been over from the moment he showed his true colours but the realisation that he’s probably done this before and hasn’t been honest has hit me in the last few weeks I just feel like he’s trying to punish me for keeping the baby and not giving in to his bullying.

I doubt he would want to be on the birth certificate and I didn’t want all the difficulties of going through the CMS but I guess it’s the safest option as he’s been so unreliable. Does anyone know whether his ex wife would be notified of the new baby?

Sorry, I didn't bother to read it all.

You haven't know him long and he walked out on you when you are pregnant with his child. Fuck him. He's a cunt.

Re the birth certificate - if you’re in England, unless you’re married, you can’t register the father - he would have to attend with you if you wanted to add him. The rules may be different elsewhere.

He is utterly batshit crazy. Please don’t fall for any promises from him again. Don’t believe anything he told you about his ex either. Abusievelijk men always paint the women to be crazy. Also, unless there’s a REALLY good reason (like violence or SA) if you want to see your child, you move Heaven and earth to make it happen. Nothing gets between you and your baby. He has chosen not to see this kid. He’s a self-indulgent arsehold who lies and plays victim rather than take responsibility for his offspring.

DO NOT attempt to put him on the birth certificate. He could try and make life difficult for you.

From a read of the website, assuming you’re in England, you can apply for maintenance through CMS even if he’s not on the birth certificate. You will be fine parenting on your own, but do not allow this fucker to get out of paying for his child.

Agree with PPs about doing some work to recognise healthy or abusive relationships. To be pregnant to an abusive man within 24 months of ending a relationship with an abusive man is not a pattern you want to allow to continue.

You can learn to protect yourself, and look out for your best interests. Good luck with everything.

Thank you so much for your advice, I agree I should do the Freedom programme I never ever thought I’d be here again after my precious relationship and it’s like he turned into a complete stranger and showed his true colours as soon as life didn’t go his way and I had the positive test. Before that there were no reasons for me to believe he wasn’t genuine and he seemed supportive and kind, we never had any issues or toxic arguments I feel like it was all a big act now. I haven’t been able to tell my friends or colleagues what’s been going on over the last few months due to feeling so humiliated but I would rather parent on my own and set a strong example to my child than to stay with a man who will likely never change and go through years of this.

These men know what to say and how to act to get what they want. It’s called “Lovebombing”. Once you’re dependent or hooked, emotionally or financially invested, they erode your self-esteem and you start questioning your sanity. You should also read Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why does He Does This?” You have form for falling for toxic men. You will learn how to hold back. You will find why you are like the drop of water in the ocean that attracts the sharks to you.

I'm middle Eastern, he is behaving this way because of the backlash he will get from his family for having a baby out of wedlock and from someone outside the culture.
He should of been a man and married you as soon as he found out you were pregnant, his family then maybe would of figured out you were pregnant before once baby arrived but they wouldn't of cared as much seeing as you both are already married... Sorry to be honest he will never share you or your child with his family now. Your better off moving on with your life and finding a good man within your own culture that will support you and love your child as their own. Sorry if this is a direct message, but this is common knowledge amongst those in our culture. I wish you the best!

Forget him

Do CM through proper channels

Enjoy your last few weeks

Prepare all you need and look forward to being a mum

You really don't need him

As you gain a beautiful new relationship with your child the past will fade, let it and him go, and concentrate all your energies on keeping yourself happy so you can be the best mum.

Thank you for your replies, we are of the same faith so unfortunately I knew this was the case when he backtracked on getting married that was a massive warning sign however I can now see it’s for the best as I would not want to be anyone’s secret or second wife🤢 I will at some point be speaking to his family once I have healed and my emotions have settled down. Using his culture as an excuse for his commitment issues doesn’t justify this as like the previous pp mentioned a man who wants a relationship with his child would move heaven and earth.