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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do when you find out your entire relationship was a lie?

12 replies

KittyMcTittyy · 30/09/2021 20:52

My scumbag exdh cheated on me two years ago. We tried again multiple times(foolish I know) he just let pulling me back in. He ramped up his flirting the last few weeks and then today a close friend told me that the OW wasn’t the first. Apparently he had a 18 month affair prior to me been pregnant with youngest.

I’m just in shock
Part of me cannot believe it but the other half says “it all makes sense now”. The last two years I’ve really struggled to see how my loving husband of 13 years could behave the way he has the past two years.

How do I even get over this? It feels like it’s all been a lie!!

OP posts:
AmIteallythatstupid · 30/09/2021 20:59

Im so sorry x

mumjustmum · 30/09/2021 21:03

I'm so sorry.

Mine was my ex fiancé, who also kissed my 'best mate'. When we broke up he admitted everything to hurt me... he admitted over 15 women. We were only together two years!

I wasn't in your awful position, and I'm so sorry for you, no children, not married, he lived in my house etc.... but at FIFTEEN women I honestly had to laugh. That wasn't on me in any way shape or form, it was who he was.

Keep going x

mumjustmum · 30/09/2021 21:05

Oh, and I also know through mutual friends that he cheated on his wife on his stag do. He's a massive twat.
Your ex is a massive twat, and you're better to be rid. Keep your head up

Original poster
KittyMcTittyy · 30/09/2021 21:07

Thank you @AmIteallythatstupid

@mumjustmum I’m sorry that happened to you. I wish we didn’t have kids together, I truly do. How do you treat the mother of your children like that? Even my eldest is starting to see just how horribly he has treat me the last two years since we officially split up.

OP posts:
LowlyTheWorm · 30/09/2021 21:09

To be honest it made it easier. It wasn’t real it was fake. The man I thought was my soul mate didn’t exist- he just made me believe that he did. But someone who could treat me in the way my exh did wasn’t my soul mate. So after a weekend of sobbing I dusted myself down and moved on. And never ever looked back as it just wasn’t true.

mumjustmum · 30/09/2021 21:11

You treat the mother of your children like that when you're just a dick!
Honestly, 'you can't argue with stupid', 'not my circus, not my monkeys'.

He never ever deserved you by the sounds of it, but if all you can take from that time is a lesson learned, and your perfect children, was it all a waste?

Don't focus on the lies, they will have happened whoever he was with. This is ALL on him, not you.

mumjustmum · 30/09/2021 21:12

@LowlyTheWorm has hit the nail on the head

TheVanguardSix · 30/09/2021 21:20

Just totally allow yourself to accept it. It's shit but the lie obliterates all of the so-called good parts- those were fake too. I'm just coming out a simulated marriage. That's what it feels like... I've been living inside a simulation, a video game. None of it was real. In my case, I've learned that my husband sexually abused our daughter over the course of several years.
It felt fucking fantastic burning photos of him holding onto her as a baby and sending them to him on whatsapp. It was such a strong and terribly cruel message and it felt fucking victorious. I burned him away. Once you realise and accept that it was all a lie, well, you might be bitter, you might be angry, you might be like me; busting through the pavement with every footstep (I am an unstoppable fireball of rage these days- I'd like it to calm down just a bit... it's a bit much being this angry all the time), but believe me, OP... things could be worse. You could still be wasting time with this assclown. Raise a glass in your honour. And really, don't look back. There's no past there. It was all a lie. Look ahead... at a life of truth and authenticity. Shake that shit off and go forward. Flowers

Original poster
KittyMcTittyy · 30/09/2021 21:28

@LowlyTheWorm

To be honest it made it easier. It wasn’t real it was fake. The man I thought was my soul mate didn’t exist- he just made me believe that he did. But someone who could treat me in the way my exh did wasn’t my soul mate. So after a weekend of sobbing I dusted myself down and moved on. And never ever looked back as it just wasn’t true.
I think in time it will make things easier for me too as I really struggled thinking badly of him. How I laugh at that now! It’s just unfortunate I have to constantly see him’
OP posts:
Original poster
KittyMcTittyy · 30/09/2021 21:30

@mumjustmum

You treat the mother of your children like that when you're just a dick! Honestly, 'you can't argue with stupid', 'not my circus, not my monkeys'.

He never ever deserved you by the sounds of it, but if all you can take from that time is a lesson learned, and your perfect children, was it all a waste?

Don't focus on the lies, they will have happened whoever he was with. This is ALL on him, not you.

Luckily I see a counsellor and we have been doing a lot of work around boundaries, self worth etc so I think I’ll ramp that up. It’s hard to not get sucked into the thinking it was my fault, what did I do wrong etc

He always said I was too good for him, I now understand that

OP posts:
Original poster
KittyMcTittyy · 30/09/2021 21:31

@TheVanguardSix

Just totally allow yourself to accept it. It's shit but the lie obliterates all of the so-called good parts- those were fake too. I'm just coming out a simulated marriage. That's what it feels like... I've been living inside a simulation, a video game. None of it was real. In my case, I've learned that my husband sexually abused our daughter over the course of several years. It felt fucking fantastic burning photos of him holding onto her as a baby and sending them to him on whatsapp. It was such a strong and terribly cruel message and it felt fucking victorious. I burned him away. Once you realise and accept that it was all a lie, well, you might be bitter, you might be angry, you might be like me; busting through the pavement with every footstep (I am an unstoppable fireball of rage these days- I'd like it to calm down just a bit... it's a bit much being this angry all the time), but believe me, OP... things could be worse. You could still be wasting time with this assclown. Raise a glass in your honour. And really, don't look back. There's no past there. It was all a lie. Look ahead... at a life of truth and authenticity. Shake that shit off and go forward. Flowers
I definitely focussed on the tiny positives the past two years :(

Wow I am so sorry, that is AWFUL!!! What an actual scumbag!!

OP posts:
EmbarrassingAdmissions · 30/09/2021 22:07

Raise a glass in your honour. And really, don't look back

OP and Lowly - I wish this for you both.

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