Is there ever a good reason?

[BakingOfTheFoodCats]

My ex has not been involved in our children’s lives for a few years now, he suffers from significant mental health problems and says this is the reason, every time he sees them it becomes too much for him and he backs off and disappears again, this could be anywhere from a few month to years, he hasn’t seen them properly now in 4 years apart from a few time’s where he’s popped up again. Seen them briefly then faded away again, he’s gone for well over a year at time’s when he hadn’t seen them at all, as the children are getting older they have started to realise what he is like and don’t want anything to do with him anymore. He thinks this is my fault when in reality it isn’t, I never speak about him to them and I don’t bad mouth him, he tells me I should tell them he is ill and that’s the reason he doesn’t see them, he also thinks I should be understanding and that other people would be, which I’m struggling with as I have my own problems but I don’t just abandon my kids for years. So I guess basically I am asking if there is ever a good reason not to see your children? And if I should tell them it’s because he is ill?

Thank you that’s exactly it, I’m struggling to feel sympathy towards him as I’ve been left to raise them alone, that has has been very hard in itself, I’ve never had a night off since we split, he has no family that have stepped in to help and he doesn’t even pay maintenance due to not working we are only entitled to £7 per week, it’s a very frustrating situation to be in.

You don’t necessarily have to feel sympathetically towards him if you can’t bring yourself to; but as previous posters have said, your children need some age-appropriate information about why their dad disappears for long periods that it isn’t rejection or anything to do with them.

If he then tells the DC when they’re older that you stopped him having contact with them, they’ll have enough understanding and resources to know that this wasn’t true, but to acknowledge that this might be the way he sees it because an illness like schizophrenia makes it difficult for people to know what’s real and happened and what isn’t and didn’t. You don’t have to “let him off the hook” completely, can also talk with them about how there are medications for what Dad has but he isn’t very good at taking them and you wish he was and it makes you angry that he doesn’t. All these things are true.

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense.