"Partner" judging my son when he knows sod all about kids

[meltingmoment]

I have been having a bad time with my son. He's been a handful since he was a toddler really but now he's almost 7 its wearing a bit thin, the teachers are getting at me every 5 minutes, other parents are telling their kids to stay away from him and he's just a nightmare with me sometimes.

Out of desperation I took him to the doctor who referred us to a behaviour team. The team leader (behavioural expert) has met with us twice and after speaking to my sons teacher has said there are definate indications of ADHD in him but they wont access for another year.

So I was talking to my partner earlier (been together 9 months, he has no kids, no experience of kids and basically lives like a kid himself with no responsibilties and his mum wiping his arse for him) and mentioned the doctors latest visit to which he replied "oh what a load of shit, all that adhd crap is an excuse for crap behaviour thats all".

I was angry with him over this but he insisted that he was right and went on to say "how come everytime a kid starts acting up these days they have adhd then?"

He doesnt know what its like living with this 24/7, he has no idea of the stress, worry, exhaustion etc that parenting a "difficult" child can enduce and I feel so angry with him. He's gone off to play on his playstation for a while, about the height of his responsibilties.

Am I being too harsh?

No you aren't being harsh. Brainscans of kids with adhd show up differently to brainscans without it.

It has only recently been recognised, which is why it may seem more prevalent.

Tell him to shove that in his playstation and smoke it

meltingmoment

Am glad you have actually spoken to someone about your son. Bit much though that he will not be assessed for another year, I know of ADHD children who have been diagnosed at an earlier age. Are you under the care of a developmental paediatrician - if not your son ought to be (your GP can refer you to such a person). Would also suggest you post on the Special Needs forum on this site regarding your son's difficulties.

On another level entirely why are you seemingly carrying on where his Mother left off?. She's likely glad that some other sap is looking after him. You have one child already - you do not need another one, an immature manchild/cocklodger at that.

Why are you with someone like this who has seemingly no clue or interest in either of you?. Usually men like this latch on to vulnerable women with low self esteem/self worth or single mums and treat them with contempt.

Oh mm - he's just an inexperienced man - annoying and out of touch.

My DS doesn't have ADHD but DOES struggle with some aspects of his behaviour (very impulsive) due to a condition called "sensory integration delay" which he will grow out of. Initially though they were talking about ADHD and my DH was exactly the same in his opinion. I was equally fuming with him.

As fizzbuzz says - there is irrefutable proof that ADHD exisits - and I'll also agree that you need to tell him to shove that fact in his Playstation and smoke it.

Sorry but I have to agree to an extent with Meerkat, he's not exactly helpful is he? I think in your position I would not want him in my house.

My ex was a bit like this about my child. Sample text from him:

'Here's honesty if you want it, kid's a pain in the arse but you're so the one!'

Needless to say I wasn't 'the one' for long after that

Bastards thinking they can tell us what to do with our own children.

I don't think you are being harsh, because as you said you are living with it 24x7. As a parent I think you would know better.

But I understand the sentiment from your DP. It seems to me nowadays "they" are so quick to provide a label for all types of behaviour. Anything that doesn't adhere to their checklist is ......... . A bit like in the past, when they concluded that 25% of the population needed psychiatric help as they suffered from depression, because they felt sad sometimes! So I too have a problem with it always being something or other, and my gut reaction is always typical child psychologists. I have a belief diet (with all the hormones and artificial elements) has behavioural influences too - which is never examined by them.

But back to you, I think even if I had that belief, I would be a bit more supportive or delivered the view differently.

'Here's honesty if you want it, kid's a pain in the arse but you're so the one!'

Wow, I bet the twang of knicker elastic could be heard for miles around

Yes Nine, I do like my children, some men can't understand that

However, regardless of whether or not you get the diagnosis, you STILL have to deal with the behaviour in the practical sense. So my professional opinion is that if a diagnosis comes then so be it, but as a family focus on accessing and utilising good parenting techniques - maybe a course run by SureStart, NSPCC or Barnardo's - and continue to share the burden of your child's difficult behaviour by developing strong parenting and behaviour management startegies TOGETHER.

And, if you read this you may start to see your dp has a leetle bit of a point if you share the views there.

I don't want to get into the point about your dp but...

I live in the US where huge numbers of children, usually boys, are diagnosed ADHD and put on medication.

A big article in the New York Time recently challenged this and mentioned amongst other things that education for young children is now much more formal, involves sitting at desks for long periods, and some boys hate this. They need to be active and runnnig about, they have naturally high energy levels.

Then it went on to say that behavioural techniques have in some situations beeen as effective as medication.

I'll see if i can find it online.

Found it. The article is 'Parenting as therapy'

www.nytimes.com/2006/12/22/health/22KIDS.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

Lack of knowledge can be excused, especially if someone wants to learn more.

But this man sounds unsupportive and unhelpful.

And not particularly mature.

You have a challenging child to care for; a loving partner should be helping you access support and strategies to make life easier for you all.

Not dismissing your worries.

Sorry, the school point was another article. This one is about behavioural stuff that helps.

Anyone who has had a child with SN knows that a diagnosis is not easy to get. The idea that parents see their child running around a lot, think "Oh he's hyperactive", take their child to a GP who then says "It's ADHD. Have some pills for him" is just laughable.

It wasn't all that long ago that children with autism were just labeled as "naughty" or "difficult" and it was blamed on the so-called refrigerator mothers. Now it seems to be the turn of ADHD.

Thanks for the replies. After I posted this he then said

"I think kids with 'adhd' basically have 'in need of a bloody good slap syndrome' myself".

.

I know some people dispute that this condition exists or that it is as common as we think but that's really not the issue. I swear sometimes I could happily take him to his dads and leave him there saying "get in touch when you're 18" and then I calm down...look at his little face and think of myself as a complete bitch and not worthy of him. I love him to bits but sometimes I don't like him. He shows me up all the time but other times he can be so sweet (like last night he hung a stocking on my bedroom door so that santa didn't leave me out).

Sometimes I wish I could put his behaviour down to something medical then maybe I wouldn't hold it against him so much.

I think it is true that sometimes certain doctors are all too easy to make a diagnosis that is dealt with by handing out pills.
Your doctor hasnt done this, so if anything it strengthens his view.

People without adhd and depression and a number of other hard to diagnose problems are sometimes labelled as this that or the other as an easy solution. So I do see his point, but saying it about the huge increase in statistics is totally different to saying it about someones child, especially when that someone is your partner.

I'd kick him to the curb.

Choc makes a valid point. The fact that any brain type can be distinguished on a scan only shows that the variation is real - but not that it is necessarily a pathology. I do agree that our modern lifestyle is making many 'strong' personality traits pathological when otherwise it might only have been a few at the extreme of the scale. This is probably why the incidence has appeared to increase so much.

Not sure where that leaves us as patients and parents of patients. There's little we can do about the kind of world we find outselves in and the abnormally restrictive conditions children are subjected too. I'm sure it is worthwhile to try as best one can to counteract aspects of the environment (by the parenting techniques Choc refers to). It is worrying that more and more parents find themselves medicating their children in order to fit in - but it's understandable - because in the end only so much difficult behaviour can be tolerated by anyone.

Although your dp's view is a common one when you have little experience in this area I still wonder if your dp is really mature and supportive enough for you. I understand your desire for a medical explanation, but in many ways medicine is still an art rather than a science - and what appears to be an explanation is really an option for treatment with some new jargon.