NC has affected me terribly

[ncmabel]

I'll be brief:

Growing up my dad was an alcoholic. He was also very depressive, self absorbed and verbally abusive to both me and my mum. I'm pretty sure he had some serious mental health issues including ptsd.

He has very little interest in me, which used to hurt but no longer really bothers me. He has a big tendency to sabotage things and then laugh about it all like something going wrong for someone else is very funny. He will also create stupid situations or problems and then get angry about them, seemingly unable to see it was caused by him.

My mum is all about appearances, manipulates, lies, gaslights and actually admitted all this when I was still trying to resolve all this. Also very prone to verbal abuse, control and emotional blackmail. All that said, I think she does love and care about me, she's just too messed up to be able to act normally.

I went NC 3 years ago. Ever since I have been plagued by sadness, loneliness and terrible, terrible anxiety. I've always been a bit prone to depression and anxiety but this is on anther level.

I've had therapy, tried to work on myself, been on SH and read countless books. My understanding has increased but I still feel awful. I have cried every day at least once for the whole 3 years. Not necessarily about my parents specifically, I just get overwhelmed with sadness.

The anxiety now affects me sleeping. Can't take the pills, long story. I struggle to go to sleep and wake up feeling so bad I have to get up and only go back to bed when I am so exhausted I fall straight to sleep.

I'm coming up to 40 soon so I think there is a bit of mid life crisis mixed in with this.

Does anyone have any experience of this kind of thing?

I’m sorry you’re going through this. What’s the rest of your life like? Career, relationship, friends, children? Is there anything in your life that brings you joy and/or satisfaction?

Why do you think NC has affected you in this way? How long ago did you have therapy? Did you find it helpful at the time? If not, did you look into alternatives?

where are you at with peri menopause?

@Buggritbuggrit Well, in a way what prompted going NC was that I was going through a very difficult time. I never really meant to do that, I thought I would go LC while I sorted out some other problems because I could not deal with all the crazy and my serious issues at the same time. That included physical illnesses and I felt too vulnerable to be around my P's.

When I backed off there was lots of crazy behavior and I realised the situation was beyond me to sort out at that time. Therapy made me realise the situation was worse than I thought. I learnt techniques for dealing with anxiety although they don't seem to touch this level of it. I found journaling really worked for me and started to counteract "washing machine thoughts".

In a way I am doing better but only very slightly and it's been 3 years!

In a LTR, had our ups and downs over the last 3 years due to all this. No kids, we were actually trying but then all this stuff hit and I got really low and we sort of thought it was a blessing in a way that it didn't happen.

Self-employed career took a big hit over brexit announcement and covid to the point where I packed in what I was doing and started over on something else. It's going ok, but again, more stress.

@fallfallfall I'm not sure! I have a few other health issues on the go at the moment. I looked up peri symptoms but some of them could be attributed to other things I have going on.

I know that the sleep problems for example fits but the peaks in my insomnia have matched with stressful events, so I'm not sure that would be the cause....

more the depression tearfulness aspect as many emotions can become intensified at this time of life.

@fallfallfall That makes sense, I think a few less problems to be emotional about would probably be helpful!

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time - it's understandable as you've spent a lifetime trying to heal from a childhood - nobody should have to do that. The support system that others had and that should have modeled adult life for you and offer you comfort has caused you to have to carry around and internal negative voice that can get so loud it's hard to do anything. I know because my father was a violent alcoholic and my mum was so dominated by him she couldn't help herself let alone us . I went NC, have done on 2 separate occasions .. I'm not older and in contact but with boundaries and distance - some of the things he says still take me back but I've done a lot of work to understand what happened and can see it differently now - but even knowing how to parent, how to provide a calm and supportive home are all things I've had to learn but luckily have super kind DH who has supported me .. good luck and I think it's great you've posted here - get it out and get talking .. it was not your fault but you're still having to pay the biggest price for his failure to parent

Sorry should have said I'm much older not not older **

For the sleep problems try magnesium it's been life changing for me - 20 mins before bed but doesn't make you groggy - plus helps with mood ...

Thanks @doubleshotcappuccino I'm sorry you've been through similar.

Before NC I did try and establish boundaries but having never really done it before I suppose I was not assertive enough. My attempts were also met with absolute rage and defiance. It's the lies and sabotage that get me the most really, actually realising how deliberate that was over years and years.

I know what you mean about the negative voice, my last therapist also spoke about how very domineering/selfish people take up space in your mind where you yourself should be. Always worrying about the minutia of how to tiptoe around volatile people over very simple day to day things, never mind the big ones. So I suppose when you push all that out of your mind there's a space where it all used to be.

It's interesting you mention home life. My DM is really funny about her/other people's houses and has never wanted to visit where I live. My DF wouldn't be interested but she actively would hate coming here. Recently I've had a renewed bit of vigor about our home, sorting some new furniture and looking at the little things around that are very specific to us. It's a huge part of your identity, I could be wrong but I think that's the reason for her not coming round when we invited her to, seeing things that I've liked and chosen... partner included!

@doubleshotcappuccino I will certainly give magnesium a go. Do you mean a powder or a supplement or something?

@ncmabel sounds like you're doing a lot of work already to try and heal from this .. yes it is interesting to see how hard it is for them to see the life we have created without their control or consent. On the magnesium front - I just use tablets from Boots .. 20 mins before bed one tablet - honestly has been life changing . The other thing it try and do is just zoom out of the negativity or passive aggressive comments from my parents - even at this older age I realised I was still seeking their validation - shrugging that off has been freeing .. and I can see the whole situation at arms length now which makes LC possible