Ive name changed for this, but I'm a long time semi regular MNer.
I'm in a difficult situation & it's looking likely to be the end of my marriage as I feel so let down by DH & can't get passed it.
We have a very difficult situation with our now 19yo DD, who is still in education & at home. It's not as straightforward as bad behaviour & kick her out, there's MH & physical problems at play, history's trauma from hospitals, bullying & more & probable ASD too. This is leading to a very angry DD who verbally & occasionally lashes out at me when she can't cope.
This lashing out has become very manipulative in that it's never in front of DH/her dad & she's ringing or texting him her version immediately. I usually manage grey rock, but have had a lot of extra stress due to noisy neighbours, lack of sleep, migraine & generally ill & exhausted.
So I stupidly didn't spot the signs that she was spoiling for a fight when she started goading me over a huge chest neck & jawline tattoo that she was treating herself to for her recent birthday. I just said I couldn't discuss it now as I had a migraine & felt too ill... cue angry goading that she'll do what she wants with her body & that I don't get to choose when we have the conversation. I left the room & sat on the sofa. She followed me & carried on. I'm ashamed to say that I felt so ill & overwhelmed that I just crumbled into a howling heap just repeating over & over "just please leave me alone". She stood over me laughing & telling me I was pathetic & weak & at some point I buried my face in a cushion & covered my eyes & ears as I was heartbroken by what she was doing. She was clearly really enjoying the power trip. What I didn't know until her dad got in, was that she had filmed me "as evidence that I was mental" but even worse she coldly fakes concern & her asking asking me to ket her help me. This didn't happen. She is gaslighting me & it's not the first time. Last time she tripped herself up & contradicted herself in her texts to DH showing herself to be a liar.
She used to be such a sweet, thoughtful & always kind & very honest kid, that I do understand him not wanting to believe how bad she is now behaving with me, but as a result he just never properly stands up to her, he's literally just told her that he's "really fucking disappointed in her behaviour" as he never swears at her it's enough to get his point across & otherwise calmly talking & listening to her like nothing just happened & it's making a bad situation worse as far as I'm concerned.
He tells me he believes me, but won't call her out on her BS to him about what happened this time as "he wasn't there" there's always 2 sides" & that sure as hell doesn't make me feel believed or supported & I can't get passed that. I love him, he's a good man in so many ways, he's my best friend, but I feel so bloody let down & just can't look at him in the same way. I actually packed to leave today, but I chickened out as don't know where I'd go
Do I need to get over myself, or am I right that he needs to find a fucking backbone with DD
TIA