Feeling lost and lonely

[Lowella]

Hi, never been on a forum before but feeling totally lost in myself. So, nutshell, I am married to a serial cheater who gaslights me when I find out anything and gets angry, makes me feel like I am going crazy. I have a gut feeling he is still doing it and have found evidence but when I put it to him he always get angry (not physical to me but has been to walls) and tells me what I have seen isn’t true, I get scared and back off. He then acts as though nothing has happened, he’s totally emotionless. I write this and can see how bad it sounds and absolutely know I need to leave. I just don’t know how! we have been together years so our lives are totally entangled, I found out for the first time about the cheating 3 years ago and thought it stopped at the time but pretty sure now it didn’t and actually think he’s been at it all the time we’ve been together. I don’t have family support and have minimal to zero friends to talk this through with and get the courage to leave. We have a child who adores their dad (even though he does nothing for them) and I feel like I am going to break their heart. I am scared about the joint custody because really don’t feel like our child will be appropriately looked after with their dad. To the outside, no-one would ever guess this is happening and think we are strong and happily married. I am such a private person and because of this I am now suffering with just the thoughts in my head privately too so could really do with someone to talk to to give me some support or courage to do the right thing.

Yes you need to leave. Don’t look for excuses. His behaviour is typical for a cheater and he won’t change.

HE is cheating and getting angry at YOU?! Yeah been there, it’s pathetic. Gaslighting at its finest!

Know everything will work itself out.

You deserve so much better!

You know what’s best for you and your child, you have to follow your gut. You don’t need to do it all in one go. Save up a bit and look into the custody and legal side, remember if you go that your gonna give your child a better life. Happy mom is happy child. I hope you will be ok.

Sorry to hear of your situation. That sounds like a heavy burden to carry all alone, holding all that inside with no outlet or someone on your side.
How old is your child?
It is possible to rebuild a life. You can step off the path you are on and reinvent yourself in the image of who you want to be not who you need to be to fit round him in peace.
Is it financially pheasible to break away so you know?

Feasible even

So sorry to hear what you are going through. I’ve been with a serial cheater and turned from a very confident, bubbly ambitious person into a shell of my former self. Always wondering where they are, what lies they told you at the time it was happening, who they’re texting when their phone goes off, it’s soul destroying. I stayed and it did get better, I don’t know how old you are but I was with mine from a young age and our whole lives were as one. We are still together now and are actually stronger than we ever have been. We used to fight fire with fire and maybe naively put it down to being young. I feel that it caused me more damage than him. It’s taken me years of rebuilding myself and even longer in rebuilding the trust between us. The behaviour that I witness now is so different to the behaviour he used to display when I knew he was messing around. Now he is relaxed, his phone is never hidden, there are no ‘stories’ that I hear, I can just tell he is in a happy place. BUT it was torture, I had years of total misery and depression. It changed me forever. If I ever had to go through it again I wouldn’t and couldn’t. My heart goes out to you x

Does your child really adore the father who does nothing for them, or is that what you want to believe? Don't be that mother who sacrifices their life and happiness for the child who would be much better off with a mum who is settled, calm and confident without having to second guess what trick the father is going to pull next.

I have a good job so I can leave, just have nowhere to go. We have a mortgage together, a house full of stuff and just have no idea what to do or where to start and with someone who just ignores or gets angry when I approach the subject. I feel like I’ve stayed this long because of my child who is 7 but also because I have no firm support network or friendship group. Your totally right about the reinvent myself to be the person I want to be. All my life I have spent revolving around him, what he wants to do, doing everything in the house. I know I have been an absolute mug, it’s having the courage to go and step out into the unknown.

Will you develop friendships if you stay? I don't think I would. I think I'd feel so rubbish about myself I'd feel low and preoccupied. Will you be more lonely if you leave? Staying will strip your confidence and make you miserable.

If you were alone now, living a life where your choices were yours to make, everything from decor, food to eat, how often you clean, what to do with your evening etc etc and someone waves a magic Wand and said 'Lo, a solo life need not be yours, you can choose this instead' and showed you a dream sequence of your life now... Would you pick it?

It is scary though, going from being a unit to not. No doubts about it, change is scary and the unknown is especially so. But nothing good can happen until you exit this set up now. This man is a brick wall to any improvements. With him gone the possibilities open up. You could find a community of people in a similar situation through organisations, who knows what people you could meet if you were master of your own destiny. Fortune favours the brave. Serendipity can work wonders but you have to roll the dice in the first place.

Thanks @JessWi . It’s the lies and aggression towards me, I am like Miss Marple! Honestly if anyone needs to know if there partner is cheating on them I know every trick in the book, I notice everything and he just gets more and more sneaky. There’s so much he doesn’t know I know because I can’t be bothered with the aggression that comes with it, that I am a ‘psycho’ because I checked on something, he feels suffocated, frustrated because that’s all in the past.
Whatever I have seen he always has an excuse for which makes me second guess myself and make me think has he stopped and I am just actively destroying my relationship?! Then I think, you’ve seen it with your own eyes! I am on high alert all the time and it’s blooming exhausting.

Jesswi I'm amazed, I've never heard of a serial cheater become trustworthy! People don't usually radically alter their moral compass.

lowella doesn't sound as if your dh is going to see the light since he shows no remorse or concern for your feelings. His conscience has green lighted what he does. He isn't in knots, your dislike of what he does is just an inconvenience to him. This can only make you feel worthless when you see yourself through his eyes. You're not worthless though.

We were teenagers when all of our drama unfolded and are now in our thirties. I totally understand that a leopard doesn’t change its spots and perhaps I have been naive and put what I went through down to being young silly teens. We’ve had years of peace between us, but I remember those times. The sneakiness and the excuses, it was exhausting. I’m not saying that staying is for everyone, but I did stay and unless I’ve been fooled over the past decade or so then mine did grow up, but it was really hard. I certainly wouldn’t put up with that type of behaviour now I’m in my thirties and have a child involved.

Yeah, that's different, I think you can grow out of your teen choices and learn from the fall out that actually that's not how you want to live your life. Can't have been easy at the time.

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose you sure do speak some beautiful words of wisdom, thank you

@Lowella do you still ‘like’ him as a person? Despite the horrid things he’s done and the way he is treating you, so you still like him as a human? Does he make you laugh? Do you still find him attractive? Ie is there a relationship to save or do you feel that there is nothing left? When I caught my little shit I gave him hell and he did fight very hard to try and win me back. In my eyes he was always the one, there was no one and has been no one since that I think ‘oh he’s nicer than DH’ or ‘I fancy him more’. I think when something so significant happens, like cheating, you really need to look at the person as a whole package, without the cheating are they really what you want? Who you want to be with?

@JessWi cheating aside, he’s a nice person and we have similar personalities so when we have been in better places we do laugh and enjoy each other’s company. But no, I am questioning everything I know of the years we have been together and I am seeing no fight for us, no remorse just pretending it’s not happening. If I am honest it feels like that he knows the aggression will pipe me down then 10 mins later acts like it never happened. I’ve told him he can leave and be with whoever but he of course tells me there is no one and that the suspicion is ruining our relationship. He wants his cake and eat it. Seen as the family man to his friends and family, strong and together for years and sex on the side with some lonely people he’s found on the internet that boost his ego and think he will be ‘the one’

@Lowella perhaps you need to start putting an exit plan in place. You’re in a great position where you have the option to leave and financial position to support yourself. Maybe look for a small rental, not only will this take your mind off his cheating but will give you some focus. I was exactly the same, I’ve always been in a fortunate position where I can support myself fully and it’s exactly what I did. The thought of staying in our home and watching him leave, having to feel the house empty, just didn’t appeal to me. Once he saw that I was done with all of it the effort and the change was unreal. It might be the break you both need to realise your marriage is worth saving, or it might be the break that you just need. Either way it does sound like you need some time away from the toxic environment and what better way that starting a brand new, exciting part of your life. You will probably find that with you being the one to leave that you will be able to manage the co-parenting effectively, your child will need both of you in their life so you will need to be strong regarding fair access, but you will be in the driving seat with how you can shape your new future, one that does not tolerate what you are currently being subjected to.

Lowella, this sounds unbearable. Hyper-vigilance and anxiety is no way to live your life. Don’t underestimate what he is doing. You are in an abusive relationship, he’s putting your mental, emotional, physical and sexual health at risk.

But I can see you’re not ready to walk so you work on you first. Counselling is a great start to try and unpick why you stay with a man who has so little to offer you. Read success stories from women who got away. Seek legal advice to find out the process of getting out. Think carefully about a child contact arrangement. Get strong first.

I can recommend ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ and ‘cheating in a nutshell’ as both these books will help you understand why you’re reacting in the way you are.

You can’t watch and wait while this totally destroys you, it’s time to try (and believe you and me I know this is hard) and ignore what he’s up to, focus on you and your child and strengthen yourself.

Just to add getting strong may ‘just’ be the catalyst for change for him with you creating strong boundaries BUT what is absolutely fact is that carrying on the way you are, will only lead to more heart ache for you. And it’s time to realise you matter!

He chose you to be his life partner, the one he values above all others, the one to be the mother of his children and with whom he would choose to grow old. The one who sees him in his good times and bad, who picks him up if he's down and has his back...
And given all the above he still doesn't treat you as though you matter, fundamentally matter, as a person in your own right. His urges to sleep around come way higher than anything you might feel as he betrays your loyalty. Says a lot about him that you can be placed at the pinnacle of all he holds most dear, his home, his comforts, his children, his financial security, his true love etc etc.. and still be as nothing if you stand in the way of his fun.
He is a shallow as a puddle. You've been given a position in his life which ticks some lovely nice boxes to add to his status and look like he's living a successful life. But he hasn't got the metal, the character, the backbone to live what that should really mean. It's just a charade and going through the motions. Being the person of greatest value in his life is worthless because it gives you nothing, no loyalty, no care, no feeling like you're the priority. The prize he offered turned out not to be a prize at all.
Awful, but reflects very much on him not you.

@Lowella you are basically me-last-year.

If you want to leave then leave. That might seem overwhelming but, baby steps, yes? What's the first thing you would need to sort out?

@Feelingparanoid how did you do it? It’s getting him onto the same page as me. I feel ready, even more so with the kind and concreting words you have all said to match what I am thinking. He is so in denial that I will leave and puts it all on me that ‘he knew this would happen’ ‘I have lead him on thinking we would be ok’. I don’t want the toxicity I just want to be adults and do what’s right for our child

It’s so hard when your mind wants you to believe they are different person to these actions, my mind constantly thinks that after everything I have found surely he can’t continue to do it, surely there is no one in the world that emotionless and can show no guilt or remorse and says they want to be with you! To go and meet someone and tell me you they are doing something else and when I message keeps up that story? takes their wedding ring off so they don’t know you are married?! Has sex with someone that isn’t their wife? Who on earth does all of this and still seems to have a clear conscience?! It’s so alien to me because I am so faithful…. and doesn’t he just know that!

[quote Lowella]@Feelingparanoid how did you do it? It’s getting him onto the same page as me. I feel ready, even more so with the kind and concreting words you have all said to match what I am thinking. He is so in denial that I will leave and puts it all on me that ‘he knew this would happen’ ‘I have lead him on thinking we would be ok’. I don’t want the toxicity I just want to be adults and do what’s right for our child

It’s so hard when your mind wants you to believe they are different person to these actions, my mind constantly thinks that after everything I have found surely he can’t continue to do it, surely there is no one in the world that emotionless and can show no guilt or remorse and says they want to be with you! To go and meet someone and tell me you they are doing something else and when I message keeps up that story? takes their wedding ring off so they don’t know you are married?! Has sex with someone that isn’t their wife? Who on earth does all of this and still seems to have a clear conscience?! It’s so alien to me because I am so faithful…. and doesn’t he just know that![/quote]
I have pm'd you.

Sounds like he's compartmentalising so well that he is able to have a clear conscience when with you.

He doesn't uphold you and give you a secure emotional haven. He just expects you to withstand this treatment and remain your best self in your relationship together regardless. His faith in the fact that you are fixed in stone as a fun person to have a relationship with no matter what would almost be touching if it wasn't so utterly detached from reality and human psychology.