So sad for my mum

GalaxyPostcard · 2021-09-29T20:00:25+00:00

I left home when a month after I turned 16 because my mum was not great. I'm now mid twenties living with DP and our lovely collection of animals. DP has an important (privately booked) medical appointment in a city 4hrs drive away. I had a major accident a few months ago and need someone to come and help for one night with the dogs whilst DP is away because I'm not yet mobile enough to do it. We asked my mother, who hasn't been asked for anything since I left home nearly 10 years ago and her response was that we are adults and can't rely on other people to do things for us [sad] Bearing in mind I was in hospital for a month and then housebound for a while, and she didn't make an effort to visit once, even to say hello, not to help. Most parents I know would help their mid-twenties child in such a situation, in fact my mother helped my sister in a similar situation last year when covid rates were higher. We are lucky that DP's family are wonderful and are our rocks but am I really expecting too much of my mother? I just wanted to hope for a second that she might be someone to rely on, just once, on reflection that wasn't a good idea, but I'm just so sad that we have no relationship, no element of mother-daughter care, nothing. She didn't even visit when I was well, or ask if I could come to visit her - we're not that far away, and she had me when she was a teenager so she's only in her 40's. She's more focused on clubbing and drinking than helping her family, and it's just really, really upsetting. DP and I want to have a family and I can't help but think that my mother will likely have no interest in our children either. I just don't get how one person can be so uncaring to the child she brought up. It makes me so sad.

Isahlo · 29/09/2021 21:11

It sounds like you’ve not wanted to see her either? She’s the mum so should’ve tried harder, I’m really sorry xx

ComtesseDeSpair · 29/09/2021 21:35

What “help” are you asking for? Maybe she doesn’t think your “lovely collection of animals” are quite so lovely and doesn’t want to spend days picking up shit and trying to marshall pandemonium amid a bunch of stinky mongrels? I can’t say it would appeal to me, even if I really liked their owners.

That aside, if your mum “wasn’t so great” ten years ago then expecting that to have changed now is a vain hope. It might be sad but I think you just have to accept you’ll be going it alone if you choose to have a family.

Original poster

GalaxyPostcard · 29/09/2021 22:22

@Isahlo

It sounds like you’ve not wanted to see her either? She’s the mum so should’ve tried harder, I’m really sorry xx

I've really tried - even when I left home I'd see if she wanted to meet up but she never seemed interested. It's really only seeing my DP and her family that I've realised how frankly odd it is for her to act the way she does, and I've dialled back because I've realised there's no point. So 8 years of trying - maybe I should have given up a long time ago.

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Original poster

GalaxyPostcard · 29/09/2021 22:23

@ComtesseDeSpair

What “help” are you asking for? Maybe she doesn’t think your “lovely collection of animals” are quite so lovely and doesn’t want to spend days picking up shit and trying to marshall pandemonium amid a bunch of stinky mongrels? I can’t say it would appeal to me, even if I really liked their owners.

That aside, if your mum “wasn’t so great” ten years ago then expecting that to have changed now is a vain hope. It might be sad but I think you just have to accept you’ll be going it alone if you choose to have a family.

That's harsh. I'm asking for one night of help with one of the two dogs, the other of which will go with my partner (the one who isn't going is a terrified rescue who can't travel). My mum loves dogs and doesn't mind 'stinky mongrels', it's just me she dislikes.

Yup I suppose you're right though, no point flogging a dead horse.

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Lipsandlashes · 29/09/2021 22:26

@ComtesseDeSpair

What “help” are you asking for? Maybe she doesn’t think your “lovely collection of animals” are quite so lovely and doesn’t want to spend days picking up shit and trying to marshall pandemonium amid a bunch of stinky mongrels? I can’t say it would appeal to me, even if I really liked their owners.

That aside, if your mum “wasn’t so great” ten years ago then expecting that to have changed now is a vain hope. It might be sad but I think you just have to accept you’ll be going it alone if you choose to have a family.

Bloody hell!

I’m really sorry for you OP. Some people, mothers included, are just unbelievably selfish. Continue to keep her at arms length and focus on the lovely life and family you have (and continue) to built.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 29/09/2021 22:34

I'm sorry op. That sounds really hurtful. I had a similar realisation about my mum when I was late 20s but I kept trying for over 10 years before finally cutting her off in my early 40s.

Look for the "Stately Homes" threads on this relationships board. They really helped me.

Womaninthistown · 29/09/2021 22:39

@ComtesseDeSpair

What “help” are you asking for? Maybe she doesn’t think your “lovely collection of animals” are quite so lovely and doesn’t want to spend days picking up shit and trying to marshall pandemonium amid a bunch of stinky mongrels? I can’t say it would appeal to me, even if I really liked their owners.

That aside, if your mum “wasn’t so great” ten years ago then expecting that to have changed now is a vain hope. It might be sad but I think you just have to accept you’ll be going it alone if you choose to have a family.

She wants her mum to care. Your take is bizarre.

So sorry you have a crappy mother OP. Pleased you have a lovely DP to depend on.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 29/09/2021 22:44

Sorry, OP, some people are just nasty. As evidenced right here.

It sounds like you have really turned things around though, and I wish you the best with your family plans. Hope your recovery is speedy and that your DP is okay.

It might be worth taking back a bit of control and going no contact with your mum. It’s very sad though.

Hamsteronrollerblades · 29/09/2021 22:51

Op it is sad and shit. She is unkind and sounds incapable of having a good relationship. That is something to grieve and to release so you can build your own family from the ground up.

DDMAC · 29/09/2021 22:51

After a tough upbringing it took me until I was about 40 to realise my mother just wasn’t mentally able to be a proper mother, she did the best she could at the time, which wasn’t good but I had to come to that realisation in order to be able to forgive, she died a few years ago and I’m thankful that I got to that point before she died so I could move on.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 29/09/2021 23:01

I'm sorry your mum seems not to like you. That's very hurtful.

Original poster

GalaxyPostcard · 29/09/2021 23:03

Thanks everyone. So sorry that others have had similar experiences. If it weren't for DP's family being total gems, I think I'd be in the 'trying until 40' camp too. But I'm done putting in effort for someone who just doesn't give it back, when I know people can be better.

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Buildingthefuture · 30/09/2021 07:51

Some people (as evidenced by a pp - stinky mongrels , really???) are just plain selfish. I would do this for a vague acquaintance, never mind family!!
I’m really sorry you’ve been so badly let down by your mother and I’m sure it is incredibly hurtful. The sad fact is, she is highly unlikely to change so the only thing you can do is change your response to it (easier said than done I know) If you haven’t already, maybe talk things over with a therapist?

Darker · 30/09/2021 08:06

It sounds like your mum struggled with being a parent so young and may have felt she had to take on more responsibility than she could cope with. Do you know if she got much help from her own parents/family?

It’s very sad that she doesn’t understand what you are offering her, and of course ultimately her loss as well as yours. I’m sorry you don’t have the mum you need and deserve. How much you continue trying to make this relationship better is up to you but it feels like there will be more pain and disappointment in store for you if you invest too much hope.

Take care

romdowa · 30/09/2021 08:12

My mother would be the exact same. She has me in her early 30s , so too old for clubbing and drinking but unless it's about her then she has no interest. I'm 34 weeks pregnant and she doesn't care but I'm a lot happier without her complicating my life.

Original poster

GalaxyPostcard · 30/09/2021 09:58

@Darker

It sounds like your mum struggled with being a parent so young and may have felt she had to take on more responsibility than she could cope with. Do you know if she got much help from her own parents/family?

It’s very sad that she doesn’t understand what you are offering her, and of course ultimately her loss as well as yours. I’m sorry you don’t have the mum you need and deserve. How much you continue trying to make this relationship better is up to you but it feels like there will be more pain and disappointment in store for you if you invest too much hope.

Take care

Yeah I think this is part of it, she also left home at 16 and went no contact with her parents due to her father's abusive tendencies and then when she fell pregnant she literally moved country so she didn't have any support really from quite early on.

Thank you for your kind words

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Original poster

GalaxyPostcard · 30/09/2021 09:59

A question for those who go no contact with parents: Do you tell them? Or do you just stop contacting them? I think if I stopped trying she'd probably not bother... so do I just do that? Or is it best to be transparent?

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Darker · 30/09/2021 11:29

Depends entirely on the parent. A common tactic is ‘grey rock’ which is to just be pleasant but not engage with them proactively (no phone calls or visits initiated by you) and wave away any questions about your life.

Telling them is quite a big thing and can turn into a bigger thing. Potential for drama, especially if there are other family involved, and for guilt. Not a step to be taken lightly.

Original poster

GalaxyPostcard · 30/09/2021 14:40

@Darker

Depends entirely on the parent. A common tactic is ‘grey rock’ which is to just be pleasant but not engage with them proactively (no phone calls or visits initiated by you) and wave away any questions about your life.

Telling them is quite a big thing and can turn into a bigger thing. Potential for drama, especially if there are other family involved, and for guilt. Not a step to be taken lightly.

Looks like the grey rock approach is better. To make matters more complicated, my DGF is dying of cancer so soon we may have to be together more than usual even though clearly neither of us want to.

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