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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I respond to this message?

22 replies

LaBellina · 29/09/2021 11:06

I have a difficult relationship with my mother.
Growing up there was a lot of abuse from my father and she enabled it, also three of my siblings are the golden child and me and another sibling are the scapegoats.
Recently I went very low contact with her to protect my mental health, my mother is unfortunately very self absorbed, can’t deal with receiving any feedback and is afaik incapable of self reflection but she’s indeed very sensitive when it comes to how others treat her. I realized I would never get the love or support from her that I have longed for so long and decided that if I can’t have that, at least I can keep my life free of her drama by keeping her on arm lengths distance. Today she sent me out of the blue a message that says that she is sad that we can’t manage to have a good relationship apparently and she’s thinking of me every day. She also writes she doesn’t expect an answer but I know she does and might get upset / send abusive messages if I don’t respond. The thing is, my first thought was to send her a message that if she is sad about not having a good relationship with someone the first step would be asking that person how they feel and how we can work on having a better relationship (that’s what I would do…). But then I realized she wouldn’t take this well at all and it would probably end in a string of emotional messages from her and I just can’t deal with that. I actually just want to ignore this message. Any advice ?

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 29/09/2021 11:09

What would happen if you just wrote "I'm sad about it too" and nothing else?

FortunesFave · 29/09/2021 11:09

I think you should probably just ignore it though.x

LaBellina · 29/09/2021 11:13

I don’t know how she would respond to that.
The thing is, I don’t want to lie and pretend I am sad about it because I’m not.
I spent years feeling sad and now I’m over it (with a lot of therapy) and just want to live my life without giving her or our relationship much thought. I have accepted that we’re never going to have a good relationship and I have made my peace with this. Obviously I can’t tell her this because she would get upset.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/09/2021 11:16

I would not respond to this at all and why now from your mother as well?. Responding to it as well opens a door of communication that should remain firmly closed.

samwitwicky · 29/09/2021 11:17

There you go, it's in your last post.

Send her this:

I don’t want to lie and pretend I am sad about it because I’m not.

I spent years feeling sad and now I’m over it (with a lot of therapy) and just want to live my life without giving you or our relationship much thought.

I have accepted that we’re never going to have a good relationship and I have made my peace with this.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 29/09/2021 11:22

Op very similar her.. After lc I received a Woe Is Me letter... I wrote back I was also sorry we didn't have the sort of relationship she would like/that others have. Not a lie but I had mourned having a rubbish dm/dd relationship years ago.. She was just catching up. But that it was best if we had no relationship at all. And I moved on. Nc at all for over 9 years. In your shoes I would ignore op. If she gets nasty just block her...

Marjoriedrawers · 29/09/2021 11:24

@LaBellina

I don’t know how she would respond to that. The thing is, I don’t want to lie and pretend I am sad about it because I’m not. I spent years feeling sad and now I’m over it (with a lot of therapy) and just want to live my life without giving her or our relationship much thought. I have accepted that we’re never going to have a good relationship and I have made my peace with this. Obviously I can’t tell her this because she would get upset.
Then tell her that?
Shoxfordian · 29/09/2021 11:28

Do you need to be in contact with her? Maybe consider lowering your contact

LaBellina · 29/09/2021 11:29

I’m trying to maintain some sort of distant yet civil relationship with her. If I sent her what I really think of her, she would likely kick off or send ‘woe is me, ungrateful child’ messages.

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 29/09/2021 11:31

@LaBellina

I don’t know how she would respond to that. The thing is, I don’t want to lie and pretend I am sad about it because I’m not. I spent years feeling sad and now I’m over it (with a lot of therapy) and just want to live my life without giving her or our relationship much thought. I have accepted that we’re never going to have a good relationship and I have made my peace with this. Obviously I can’t tell her this because she would get upset.
Reading this I think you are better to ignore the message. She's playing the 'poor me' card and trying to make you feel guilty. Don't fall for it. She'll lure you in, be able to tell everyone that she reached out to you and that you came running back. That will make her look good to those who are stupid enough to pander to her. Focus on the fact that your life is happier without the contact and the stress she causes. You deserve your happiness after putting up with her ill treatment of you for years.
LaBellina · 29/09/2021 11:31

I’m very low contact with her but out of the blue she sent me this whilst I just thought ‘fuck off with your emotional diarrhea, leave me alone’. Obviously I can’t send that.

OP posts:
Marjoriedrawers · 29/09/2021 11:33

I see your dilemma. Maybe just ignore it and if she asks pretend you didn't receive it?

JustThisLastLittleBit · 29/09/2021 11:34

Be authentic to yourself. Don't engage with her or the content of her message, just reply politely: 'thanks for your message, I'm glad you are keeping well'. If you are glad that is. A straight bat. Or ignore it completely if you want to go full NC.

Shoxfordian · 29/09/2021 11:36

I mean you can send that if that’s how you feel

There’s no obligation to be in contact at all

JustThisLastLittleBit · 29/09/2021 11:36

Also, does it really matter if she gets upset? How she feels is her problem, not yours.

LaBellina · 29/09/2021 11:42

That’s true @JustThisLastLittleBit.
I honestly don’t care how she feels because she never cared how I feel either. I only care how it affects me. My only goal is to keep the relationship drama free whilst staying authentic to myself as you worded it very well.

OP posts:
NonsensicalHair · 29/09/2021 12:24

If you're concerned that he subsequent messages could be unpleasant or abusive if you're honest about how you feel, then I think you have your answer. It may be best to not respond at all because she clearly doesn't want to know about how you feel and if you receive more messages they could upset your equilibrium further.

updownroundandround · 29/09/2021 13:29

I have accepted that we’re never going to have a good relationship and I have made my peace with this.

So just send her that ?

I really wouldn't concern myself with how she feels, because she's responsible for her own feelings.

What does your 'usual' communication look like ? Maybe a Merry Xmas message ? Or a happy birthday ?

Whatever it is, either stick to the 'usual' and don't allude to her message at all, or state the truth (being true to yourself), but follow that with a 'normal' drama free message ?

If you really find it all too much 'emotional headspace', then maybe consider whether it's time for you to go from LC to NC ?

LaBellina · 29/09/2021 13:34

I have been NC in the past and I found that very, very hard so choose to stick to NC.
I have taken in all the replies so far (thanks everyone, much appreciated) and I have decided that indeed, no response is in this case the best option. I do not want to encourage any future messages like these and I feel she will take it as an ok to do this if I reply to her now. I have also decided that if she sends me abusive messages because I refuse to respond to this one, I will block her for an indefinite period of time. This thread has made me realize that I should stay true to myself and if she can’t respect my boundaries, that’s completely her fault and she gives me in that case no other choice then to stop all communication to get the message across.

OP posts:
LaBellina · 29/09/2021 13:34

Choose to stick to LC I mean

OP posts:
Deedee121 · 29/09/2021 13:38

My mother is very similar. I think I'd ignore it. From my experience she is trying to lure you in again so she can hurt you again.

LaBellina · 29/09/2021 13:41

Yes exactly @Deedee121 my gut feeling says she wants to guilt trip me so she has the upper hand again. I just want her to leave me alone with her weird and unpleasant messages Confused

OP posts:
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