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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

In sickness and in health?

7 replies

AnotherGo123 · 29/09/2021 09:52

Married for 3 years. 2 DCs (2 yrs old and 6 months)

My DH (42) just failed his driving test. He rang me so depressed. One word answers on phone. Not engaging.

I tried to encourage him and tell him to give it another go. But he believes it's because he's hopeless at everything. But he never practised. He has such low self esteem he doesn't try at anything. He recently shared he is dyslexic, and feels stupid all the time. His words.

I persuaded him to see a therapist and she says he has anxiety, OCD (he has developed ticks) and extreme self esteem issues.

I just don't know if I can do it any longer. I work full time from home, do lions share of childcare (I have childcare too for working girls), do all house admin, organise everything etc.

He does try to help e.g do cooking and he goes to work (which he hates but refuses to look for other jobs). But an example would be he said he will cook dinner and then we are missing an ingredient and he can't cope, gives up, all pointless, goes back to sofa.

I'm exhausted. I just can't bring myself to leave him. But I can't continue.

I took my marriage vows seriously. I want to help him. But I am so scared this just him. It feels like the more I do the more depressed and anxious he becomes. Do I just leave him to it? I feel like a working single mum with a slightly helpful teenage son who offers to help occasionally.

OP posts:
AnotherGo123 · 29/09/2021 09:54

*working HOURS, not girls. Confused

OP posts:
AnotherGo123 · 29/09/2021 19:45

Anyone? I want to leave but the guilt is all consuming. Both options feel so awful to me

OP posts:
Babdoc · 29/09/2021 19:54

OP, was he like this when you married him, or has his health deteriorated since then?
Has he been to his GP? Is he on medication?
I think you need to know whether his condition is permanent or temporary, before you can make any decisions about staying or leaving.

AnotherGo123 · 29/09/2021 20:06

He was always a worrier. Anxious about things going well. But we mainly had a good time together. But since the kids, mortgage, responsibilities- he is a toxic combination of worrying about everything all the time and being extremely lazy. He shouted at me because I'd left the dishwasher tablets on the side and I "don't give a fuck about poisoning the kids". Today he shouted at me because I took the baby to bed too early and he "doesn't fucking work all day to not see his children at the end of the day". Now he's sitting on the sofa staring at his phone muttering ti himself. I want to put the kids in the back of my car and just drive away as far as I can get. But I'm never gonna get away from him and his misery. He is the father to my kids. I just want to run away

OP posts:
anunseemlylovefordustin · 29/09/2021 20:16

It IS possible to get away from him and his misery. You just have to leave. I did, after nearly a decade of feeling like an unpaid carer/support worker rather than an equal partner in the relationship. My life is so much happier now. As a previous poster said, I guess it depends on whether this is a temporary or a permanent state of affairs. If he won't seek help for his depression and anxiety (which is what it sounds like) then you can pretty much consider it as permanent, I think.

myfacelookslikeatoe · 29/09/2021 20:24

He does sound really depressed op. It’s a hard one because maybe he will be better on medication and more therapy but it’s a hard conversation if he’s being hostile in general.

acretan · 29/09/2021 20:34

It sounds like you are enabling him a little bit by doing everything. I know you it’s a very sticky situation and you have to do it for the kids but I have a feeling he just doesn’t have the motivation to change and only a big kick up the back would maybe get him to wake up and get help. Quite often we don’t do anything until we are so low we don’t have a choice anymore.

It’s a really tough situation to be in, I’ve been there myself. It sucks. What do you think would be better long term to do (for the kids too)? What would you regret less on your deathbed (a bit morbid but it really helps me make decisions) x

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