Greedy and stingy in laws

[crossroads1]

MIL and SIL are greedy. In the beginning of my marriage I’d do a lot for them dinners birthdays etc but all I’ve seen is take take - give an inch take a mile.

The SIL has learnt it all from MIL. My birthday was recent my present was ‘coming’. It never arrived. How do I deal with these ppl without being obvious? I’ve always been generous but I’m not a mug!

They come round to my mums house to eat and scoff their faces like they haven’t had good food before. They’ll never say no to anything or be polite. There are so many examples it just drives me mad!

DH can’t see it and they even take advantage of him yet he continues to buy them everything. We don’t have kids but he can’t provide for them forever. Help needed.

Why does your mum have them over to feed & entertain them, are they all friends?

If you keep being generous to people who never reciprocate you are showing them they can keep on doing it.

If your husband can't see it then you are wasting your time discussing it with him.
Stop what you are doing if it makes you frustrated.

If he chooses to buy them things then that is up to him but not to you. You are allowing them to be rude to your mum. Stop the visits

I can see why you would be annoyed. But as someone with real problems with their in laws (as in, abusive behaviour escalated to the courts) I don't think it's worth getting worked up about presents and dinner.

So they eat a lot of dinner at your mums and are rude when it comes to gifts. 🤷‍♀️ does it really impact you unless you let it?

Invite them to dinner less. Stop spending a lot on their presents, get them a card and a chocolate from now on. Accept that they are who they are and don't internalise their behaviour.

You're letting them take up space in your head for no reason.

You have a serious husband problem. It would be ultimatum time for me.

Talk to your mum about it and stop inviting them there. No more drop ins. Always be “going out” somewhere they can’t join in.

I’ve told my mum to stop being so nice to them but she doesn’t listen.
It’s the excuses that wind me up too with in-laws. A card and a box of chocolates would be asking too much from them! For my mums birthday I brought a card on their behalf because I knew they wouldn’t bother.

They don’t offer anything ever, i thought Over time they’d change if they saw how my family were and it might knock some sense into them but they still continue.

Does anyone actually like their in laws?

If you have told your mum to stop inviting them over but she doesn’t listen, then with all due respect that’s her decision. I understand exactly how you feel. My MIL and SIL are total absolute fucking bitches. I despise them with ever inch of my being, so I get it.
Luckily me, DH, and kids moved to the other side of the world so I have to deal with them a lot less. Border closures mean I haven’t seen her for 2 wonderful years.
I would just put as much distance between you as you can, if they arrange to come round go out and let your DH deal with them. You don’t have to be outright rude but you can get your point across that they are not high on your list of priorities. If your DH doesn’t back you up that’s a whole seperate issue you need to address

For my mums birthday I brought a card on their behalf because I knew they wouldn’t bother.

Stop doing stuff like this for a start.

You complain that they take advantage of your mum, but then you bullshit her into believing that they are reciprocating, even in a small way.

Stop pretending, & start being truthful with your mum.
Stop buying or providing anything which isn't being met with normal, polite appreciation.
Leave all of that to your DH.

Do that for a few months.
If DH then still cannot see the using behaviours, it's because he doesn't want to.
All you can do about that is stay LC with his family, or leave DH.

I’ve told my mum to stop being so nice to them but she doesn’t listen.

Hardly surprising, when you are colluding with them by buying her a birthday card & pretending it's from them.

Why would you infantilise your mother like that?

I know you can’t change ppl - generous or stingy- but I’m very surprised that some ppl have no shame in just take take taking. If that was me I’d feel awful at not reciprocating anything - and it’s not only with me, MIL and SIL are like this with everyone

I don’t want DH to waste his money he has had to scale back as it is but he always thinks of them. How do I tell him to stop doing it without coming across like a total b*tch

@ChargingBuck. Totally agree. Stop the obsession OP about cards and presents— it’s about the 3rd post I’ve seen today with women getting their knickers in a twist about such things. If your mum wants to invite them and they don’t reciprocate, then that’s your mums issue— if they don’t get you stuff, then react the same way— I used to get really put out at not getting stuff from friends when I always made the effort- so I stopped and now I just think it’s one less thing to bother about- but we are all still friends.

Don’t you feel the lack of effort from in-laws/ friends whoever it may be is just damn right ride though, especially if you always make the effort from your side

I think it’s shit OP, so I just stopped making the effort too —

Why does your mother feature so heavily in this, OP? It's all about her hospitality rather than yours and you're angry on her behalf which isn't your place (as annoying as it is).

Because even though I’ve cut down on the hospitality aspect she doesn’t see them as much as I do, So I guess she has more tolerance whereas it just winds me up.

It’s rude for ppl to keep taking without reciprocating - can’t they see that themselves? Or they see it and just don’t care

It is annoying, I know, but you can't change what other people do, only what you do and what your response is to their grasping. Ditto your mum, if she doesn't mind hosting, let her get on with it and make your excuses so you don't have to be there.

Some people are just like that and there's nothing that you can do to change them.

If that was me being stingy and the other ppl are super generous I’d be so embrassed

But they have shown they aren't embarassed. They aren't going to change. So start treating them as they treat you. If they don't send you a birthday card, don't send them one. They can hardly complain can they? And if they mention it you can say 'Oh I thought we'd stopped doing cards as you didn't send me one'. There's no arguement to that. Same goes for presents.

And it's your DH family, not yours. So if he wants to still go out and get them presents, you can't stop him. But at least you won't have had to make the effort. And he might start to take notice of what they are like if he's the one making the effort.

Just match their effort each time.

OP, sorry but could your expectations be quite high?

If your Mum or your DH want to feed them or whatever just let them. Don’t buy cards. Stop trying to manage relationships.

Is it high expectations if I expect a normal thing like a card on a birthday especially when we buy them presents etc.. I think the expectation is quite low and even then they can’t meet that!

This is a really good comeback. I’ll use that next time! Thanks