Do I say anything?

[Unsure3344]

Hi all,

Bit of a random one and I’m not sure what to do. Basically there are some trust issues in my relationship from things from a while ago. And I’m very much a gut feeling kind of person.

My partner has recently started going much more on social media, particularly on one site. And on here he’s started following lots of girls (real life, local people for example from school). One thing that’s bothering me most is one person in particular has been followed multiple times (they have more than one account). This person I know is single, local and someone he has previously chatted to, but not someone he keeps in touch with.

I realise this makes me sound very over the top and stalkerish of looking at followers but I don’t do this as a matter of course but in looking for someone else noticed this and it just twigged my gut feeling and I have since checked and it’s been a regular thing.

It just makes me think wonder why you would be so persistent to follow someone you have no relationship with, unless you of course wanted to start chatting to them.

I realise this is probably my issue, but it just doesn’t feel right and my gut is rarely wrong. I am now torn between do I say something and bring it up; and risk being called a stalker, or possibly make it easier to hide. Or do I let it eat away at me, or do I need to just resign myself to this being a deeper issue and walk away from this relationship.

I couldn’t see me ever getting any proof of any messaging or anything, but realistically it may not be happening and it may just be me and my
Issue.

If it’s Instagram I can see how he’d end up following her multiple accounts because it prompts you to follow their additional accounts.

However, I’m a gut girl too! I would have to say something or it would eat away at me. Do you know how they met originally? Could you ask him about that and see how he reacts?

I know how they met originally (old school friends but not the same year).

I know he hasn’t seen or spoke to her though other than maybe online at least in the whole time we’ve been together (years so not short)

She is recently single aswell. I didn’t know that Instagram did that so that kind of makes me feel marginally better, but not much!

It’s a really difficult one because when I didn’t know it was fine, now I know it’s really playing on my mind. And my gut is just saying why is he so desperate to get her account followed. It almost feels as though he’s hunting for some ‘accidental’ communication, maybe react to a story or like a picture and then get a message. It just doesn’t sit right with me at all.

I mean I have people I follow from school don’t get me wrong but it’s usually because they follow me first so I follow back, that hasn’t happened here, it’s definitely come from him which bugs me more.

I realise that ultimately This is deeper than this, it’s a trust issue and really by saying something I’m unlikely to get any answers. But it’s really eating away at me which is hugely annoying!

I don't think it's just your issue simply because if the situation was reversed, he'd probably have similar thoughts to you now or at least the fact would register, right? What about the rest of his behaviour and your relationship since he started going more on social media?
The only way to know is by talking with him about it. I did just that with my partner in the early days. I literally made an appointment with him to discuss it very calmly and matter of factly because I wanted to know his motivation. I was not comfortable with some of the accounts he was following and in his case it was just an oversight from before we met, he unfollowed and cleared up his account because our relationship had become more serious and he understood how and why I was unhappy about those accounts in question.

We have had a few issues recently but nothing major. Just niggles that have been silly arguments but easily resolved.

I agree and that is how I feel, if this was me, how would he feel about that? Not so great I feel.

It is something I have discussed in the past but a while ago now. Because someone who made an obvious pass at him (which I was aware of) re-appeared on social media. I also followed this person so was aware they had come back. He also re-followed this person. I brought it up at the time as I was told it was a 1 way pass to which I said well then why would you encourage that, even if it is something in the past? You don’t need to see or speak to them ever again for any reason. So that to me just seemed like either a) I have been lied to and it wasn’t 1 way, or b) he likes the attention and was hoping for a repeat? I couldn’t think of a reasonable excuse other than those. And I never really did get an answer or acknowledgement that yeah I was probably right, just more told it’s nothing.
I think since then the whole thing hasn’t sat right but no further issues until recently.

It is probably partly the above scenario that is making me question this one also.

I’m not hugely into the phone/insta checking thing, but I DO know that if I found myself doing it to my partner then it would damn well be because they’d done something to make me feel like I wanted to. If something feels off then you probably know best - even if it’s not this particular woman - is he making you feel less than enough?

I think it is the above scenario that has made me feel i have lost some trust in that area. And now makes me second guess his motives.

That coupled with the fact it seems to be only single girls from school he’s interested in. That and the fact this is a name that has been mentioned before.

I guess I just don’t get why you would be so bothered to follow 3 separate accounts for 1 person who hasn’t followed you, and who you have not seen in years nor are likely to unless you instigate it or happen to randomly bump into them somewhere.

I am actually glad that the consensus is that your gut instinct is usually right as i fully expected to get flamed for being a stalker, as it’s playing on my mind so much I currently feel like one!

When you say the name has been mentioned before... is it mentionitis? I'm certain I can tell by the way my partners have said a female's name if they're interested in them. Plus if it is mentionitis that's a dead giveaway

Not mentionitis no, just mentioned in past conversations about school but not often and not recently.

You're gut is telling you something;s up.

My partner has recently started going much more on social media, particularly on one site.

One thing that’s bothering me most is one person in particular has been followed multiple times (they have more than one account). This person I know is single, local and someone he has previously chatted to, but not someone he keeps in touch with.

She is recently single

Basically there are some trust issues in my relationship from things from a while ago.

Not mentionitis no, just mentioned in past conversations about school but not often and not recently.

My guess is that he liked her and now she is single he's going to go after her.
Any changes in his behaviour?

I'd get ready to dump him.

No behaviour changes as such just yet, just the phone situation, have been keeping an eye on whether it’s more secretive etc. and will continue to do so.

I feel almost like that’s what I’m doing, I’m on poise to walk away if I suspect anything more is up. I won’t be taken for a mug. I just wondered mainly whether I should bring it up, and if I do what even do I say?

Chances are I would be made out to be a bit bonkers looking into it and thinking anything of it. So would want to get my facts/thoughts straight on it before saying anything.

I have no idea how to go about it, sorry.
You could ask to borrow his phone and see how he reacts.

If he has decided he wants to be with her, you are better cutting your losses now IMO. There isn't much point in staying in a relationship when you don't trust your partner.

That would be very much my view anyway. If there was anything in it, she could have him. I wouldn’t be sticking around for that. Or playing pick me.

But it’s more the annoying I don’t have anything concrete other than suspicion and the fact I’m not happy about it. And I have a feeling asking isn’t going to get me any more answers either.

If you ask, his reactions will tell you more than what he says.
The multiple accounts wouldn't worry me, but what I couldn't see might.
DMs, Whatsapp etc

That’s true. I think I am going to have to ask otherwise it will just play on my mind. After that I’ll see what happens

Be careful. Hugs.

He’s done this before.

Back in February 2020, your Partner sent flirty messages to a single woman from school. Although she didn’t provide much feedback, he started looking her up daily and liking her selfies when you were out of the room or in bed. In that thread you said, “it stinks of pursuing someone,” and other posters and I agreed. You were gearing up to confront him, but never returned to the thread.

I wouldn’t tolerate this. After several incidents of his inappropriate, disloyal behavior, isn’t it time for consequences?

I don't think you can necessarily conclusively tell anything from his reaction if you confronted him. If it were that easy to tell what people were thinking, no one wold succeed in deceeiving anyone.

As @MsDogLady has mentioned another thread where he behaved worse that you are aware of, I would just bin this one. You don't trust him, and rightly so.