Stuck in a relationship because of guilt

[Paperbackmermaid]

I’ve been in a relationship for just over two years and I want to end it.
It’s really causing me a lot of upset and there’s been a lot of trauma bonding - an endless cycle of them being quite unpleasant and then me desperately begging them and then it all being lovely again.
The longest we’ve gone without an ‘incident’ has been five weeks.
I’m tired. I have nothing left to give.
But I’m worried my DP is unstable and the impact my breaking up with them will have. At the moment everything seems ok and I half wonder if I should just wait for them to be unpleasant again but rather than trying to sort things out just leave it. It’s probably only a matter of time. I have done that before a couple of times though and then they realise they’ve pushed me too far and become contact me again.
I feel very guilty but I just don’t want it anymore. I want some peace. I want some ease.
How do I do this when I’m worried about the result on his mental health? I have wondered about personality disorder at times and he has also said he thinks if he went to the dr he’d have something diagnosable.
I tend to agree because he is telling me he loves me etc and then suddenly it’s ‘I don’t want to be with you.’ Out of nowhere. And then it’s being unpleasant. And then a couple of days later it resolves again and I’m so grateful I just live with it.

And it’s the sudden flip between ok and then he says he just feels nothing at all, but he wants to hurt me at that time.

Next time they say they don't want to be with you then say OK fine with me and run as fast as you can.

You only have one life and you do not need to spend yours with someone else out of guilt and fear of what they will do when you leave them. You owe it to yourself to get out as soon as you can.
Does your DP have any family or friends? You could warn them that you have broken up with him and that he will need their support. Then it's in their hands.

That was sort of at the back of my mind.
Do I just let it play out and then not respond when it happens again.
I’ve just been sort of drifting along in it but they said something really hurtful last time this happened and it’s stayed with me. I mean he’s said hurtful stuff before but this was particularly targeted. I’m never allowed to criticise them in anyway at all, I know this. It’s like an unspoken rule.
I think he might be on the spectrum.

Not really, he’s got work colleagues, but doesn’t keep friends terribly well.
Has got some family but they aren’t at all close. He’d be mortified if I involved them.

I would sit them down now & explain you can't do it anymore so they realise it's not just something that happens when they push you but something you have been thinking about rationally for a while

I wouldn't wait for him to be nasty again as that won't break the cycle. It'll lead to him crawling back.

I think you'd be better off saying something not related to him or his faults, or anything he could argue with. So something like, "It's been great but I don't want to be in a relationship any more."

Yes, the thing is when he’s ok again it’s like it’s never happened to him. He used to apologise but doesn’t anymore.
But it stays with me and I’m not sure which is true. Does he love me and want to be with me? Or am I the things he says when he’s being unpleasant and feels ‘nothing’ and I don’t know. So it makes it all seem hollow.

Go now. Stop wasting your life like this. I was in exactly the same situation in my early 20s but stayed for 4 years- I wanted to end it after 2 but stayed due to the guilt. I feel very sorry for younger me wasting such good years of life like that. Brighter days and happier times await you!

I feel responsible for him and it weighs me down.

"I think he might be on the spectrum".

Why do you think that?. He is an abusive person and he has also stated that he could well have some form of personality disorder (which ASD is not) if he went to the doctor (which he has not done at all nor has any intention of doing so).

You remain trauma bonded from being abused by him as you have been to date. You were targeted by him to abuse and are likely also to be codependent; his needs though are not more important than yours. All contact between you and he needs to completely cease. He will continue to bleed you dry otherwise.

You need to drop the rope he holds out to you; your own recovery from his abuse will only properly start once you are completely removed from him.

Get therapy for your own self to work out exactly how you got tangled up with this person in the first place. Your boundaries in relationships (perhaps already skewed by previous abusive relationships) now need serious work and revision upwards.

"I feel responsible for him and it weighs me down".

Why? Ask yourself that question honestly. This smacks of codependency so who taught you to be codependent (most likely one of your parents). What sort of an example did your parents show you about relationships?.

You were not put on planet Earth to be some sort of rescuer or saviour in a relationship and feeling responsible for him keeps you attached to him. He likes having you around purely and simply so that he can abuse you.

You're not his mother.

How many more years do you want to spend like this? 5? 10? More?

You should know that your partner is actually perfectly stable. He PLANS this cycle of abuse. It is deliberately chosen in order to destabilise and gaslight you. He is not crazy, he I'd just a predator.

He will be perfectly fine if you leave. Although he will want you to believe otherwise. Abusers often threaten suicide but it is just part of their manipulation.

Secondly, think on this: he means you harm. He wants you to suffer. He hates you. So why should you care what this dangerous man will feel when you are free?

You are his victim. You owe him nothing. Get out.

@Paperbackmermaid

I feel responsible for him and it weighs me down.

That's all on you.

Why does he get to be a) an adult who hurts you with his behaviour and b) not fully responsible for himself?

As usual, @AttilaTheMeerkat has nailed it.

No adult is responsible for another adult. You're not responsible for this guy. There's a couple of great expressions on MN: "don't set fire to yourself to keep someone else warm". Also - "women are not rehab centres for broken men".

Be responsible for yourself. Staying in a relationship you don't want to be in is actually you being terribly irresponsible to yourself.

Yes, he might be terribly upset if you go. That's not a reason to stay. It wouldn't be a reason to stay even if he had been consistently lovely to you. In time, he will get over you and move on. No-one owes anyone else a relationship. He doesn't owe you one, you don't owe him one.

Life is not a dress rehearsal. You have only one shot. Don't waste time in a relationship that isn't working for you. You don't have to wait for his next piece of bad behaviour. You already know you want out. You don't have to heap blame on him for you wanting out even if it is his behaviour which has killed your feelings for him. People end relationships because they're just not feeling it. You can tell him that. You can do a whole "it's not you, it's me" thing.

He won't be happy that you're ending it and he doesn't have to be happy with your reasons. The fact that you want to end the relationship is enough reason to end the relationship.

The only thing you will regret when you end it with him is that you should have done it sooner.

I think possible ASD because behaviour is a little quirky overall - obsessive about some things, easily overwhelmed, doesn’t cope very well in social situations, stickler for rules, actually enjoyed lockdowns because he didn’t have to see anyone or go anywhere. Is actually worse now.

I’ve had a previous relationship with elements of control and sometimes my current partner has said the only reason I put up with his behaviour is because I’m used to it.
That was when it first started though, early on in the relationship. Now when it happens he doesn’t mention it at all afterwards.

You need to live your life.. for You 🌸