How to deal with this 'bullying'...

[BrokenStand]

OK for context, I'm 46 and the woman involved is 57 i think so I feel this sort of behaviour should be way behind me!

In a nutshell, I am part of the local live music scene. Mostly as as spectator. I do play in a band but we rarely play locally so most people round here wouldn't know me for that. I'm quite low key in my friendships - people know who I am but not me. It's a fairly tight knit local community. I know some of the local bands, this woman knows most of them. She seems to this as having some status. I just regard them as friends or acquaintances depending. In case it's relevant.

So this woman. We met around 5 years ago and she seemed to take a dislike to me fairly early on. No idea why - I'm a friendly person. I don't expect everyone to like me but I don't go out of my way looking for problems!

A couple of years ago, I realised that the environment was becoming a little hostile towards me. Nothing major, just people I'd have previously exchanged pleasantries with but didn't really know were ignoring me. One of the bar staff in one pub told me that she wasn't hiding the fact she was, essentially, trying to 'take me down' and remove me from the scene but had no idea why. It appeared to be a completely baseless vendetta.

She lied about me, manipulated situations, created uncomfortable scenarios, spread rumours about me. I was single for much of the time but if I spoke to a man, she'd be all over him afterwards. It became a bit of a joke between my friends and me. You name it, she did it. In essence, she seems to have pitted herself in competition with me and is determined to 'win' by whatever means possible. And winning would look like removing me.

With covid and various changes, I haven't seen her for over 2 years. I went out on Friday because my friend's band was playing. And on 3 separate occasions during the evening, she attempted to 'cause trouble'. Too long winded and not interesting enough to explain. Friend in band was aware as he was partially a target plus a couple of other things. It didn't work because the rest of us are grown ups and handled the situation like grown ups...

I've dealt with it by ignoring it. I distanced myself from a smaller group she was also in whilst still being active generally.

I thought that after 2+ years she'd have moved on but clearly not. I have no idea what she has against me and I don't really care - I've only even been pleasant to her when we were part of a group.

What I really want is suggestions on how to handle it.

Ignoring her and hoping she loses interest hasn't worked and I don't really want to confront her.

Any suggestions?

She sounds jealous of your life. I think all you and your friends can do is call her out on the things she does. If she tells a lie to one of them, they need to say no that's not right.
Do you play an instrument and she doesn't?

Do you play an instrument and she doesn't?

Yes. Otherwise I can't see what there is to be jealous of! She is a lady who lunches and lives very well. I'm a single parent who works like a dog!

The problem is its not my friends she's saying things to. It's getting back to me/us via the grapevine. But it's not a single vine - everyone knows! My friends know its not true and as far as I know point out that it's bollocks. Other people just enjoy a bit of drama and gossip and don't really care whether it's true or not. It's just a good story. But some of the rumours were about me sleeping with married men. So she says and does things that have the potential for huge fall out amd proper reputation damaging stuff.

I'm less worried about that side of things its more that I feel I again have to be vigilant and she ups the ante when it isn't working.

It's the social equivalent of:

Poke with a stick
Ignore - its irritating but nothing else
Poke with a sharpened pencil
Ignore - stings a bit but she'll lose interest and give up and now she's start to poke other people too.
Wields an axe
Left to clean up the carnage.

Anything other than her stopping is just firefighting.

God she sounds fucking horrible.

I would be inclined to speak to her very calmly but firmly in front of others - directly addressing the fact that she's been starting rumours about you and that you want to a) clear them up and b) know why she started them.

Presumably the married men from the rumours would be horrified too, if they knew she was speaking about them like this? Are they her 'friends' or strangers to her?

I would normally advocate for rise above but when people are active bullies starting genuinely upsetting and serious rumours, I think going straight to the source (her) in front of people (so she can't spin the narrative afterwards) to discuss a specific thing she has done is what I would do.

If your friends are hearing all these rumours about you then they will be willing to say where they heard them if she tries to make out you're lying.

I know all that sounds very teenage but she's acting like a teenager and I think when someone is attacking your character you shouldn't have to just 'rise above' and ignore it.

If she was your every day narcissist I'd advise threatening her with legal action for defamation of character. Often legal action or threat of police involvement is all that works with her kind.

But this one...I'm not sure. She may be a malignant narcissist...and tbh the best thing you can do there is just to run for the hills.

Personally though, I would go with option one. (Make it clear plenty of people are willing to testify to her attricious behaviour too). Combined with telling her that you feel really sorry for her because her life is so sad tand she has such low self worth that she feels the need to compete against other women in order to feel good about herself.

Presumably the married men from the rumours would be horrified too, if they knew she was speaking about them like this? Are they her 'friends' or strangers to her?

I told one of them so he'd heard it from me first. It was one of the first things and he just thought it was a bit silly so it was ignored. He is an acquaintance. It's all done through faux outrage and concern for the wives - she comes across as so nice and sweet but look at what she's really capable of type of thing.

Ugh, I really don't want to challenge her. You're right it's all just so teenage! But she's always surrounded by a group. I wouldn't want to confront her in a group! I don't think most people really care about the truth.

But the rumours are the least of it really. It's just the general 'poking'.

Hard to explain without an example but it would be longwinded and dull to read!

Oh and as pp said, make sure you say this infront of supportive witnesses who know what she has done. And so that she cannot twist your words.

Pinkbonbon

The thing is that it's more the general stuff that's the issue. Not so much the affair rumours - they're in the past. It's more the general stuff that wouldn't be breaking any laws. Just petty 'bullying' from a distance.

Some of it is really silly. Eg my friend's band played at the weekend. He messaged and asked me to go. He will speak to her socially but doesn't like her. After the gig he was doing the social rounds, chatting to people. While he was at her table, she kept looking at me to see my reaction. It doesn't bother me. He then got a beer and came and sat with me. We've known each other for 30 years. That prompted one of her 'interventions'. Just really juvenile stuff! But I feel constantly on her radar and on guard.

But yes it screams of narcissism and hierarchical self esteem. So I'm a bit reluctant to approach her. Feels a bit like I'd be poking a bear with a big stick!

I just cannot fathom why she targeted me!

They usually pick one woman close to them and make them the competition. Maybe she doesn't have any friends to abuse.

You are younger than her and likely get more male attention and have talent too. So she hates you.
She cannot have what you have so she has to crush you.

It's like a young child seeing another child suing with a toy. Even if they don't want the specific toy, you being so happy with it makes them want to take it from you.

*playing with

Sorry you are going through this OP. I know how horrible it is. Last year a woman in my wider social group decided to take me down. I had initiated much of the social life in my neighbourhood and so was very central to the group, I think she resented my position in the group and was jealous. Lies and rumours spread frighteningly fast. I did confront her and it really blew up, with a small group of people definitely taking her side. I have carried on as usual since, knowing that she still spreads the lies. Fortunately I am still in a strong enough position in the group to ride it out. But I well remember the horrible feeling when it first started.
What these nasty and unstable people are trying to do is to institute a 'mobbing' to turn enough people against you that you have to leave. It is a disgusting form of psychological violence. However, it seems as though you have enough support to stand your ground. Legally, you could sue for slander but it would probably be quite expensive. A solicitor's letter threatening to sue might do the trick, but the mental instability of the perpetrator might lead them to continue. All I can say is hold your head high. She has targeted you because you have something good that she is jealous of, and most people in your neighbourhood can see it. I do know how hard it is to be a victim of a random maniac when you have done nothing wrong.

Wow she's really screwed up huh...

I would literally hold my head high .. enjoy events with your actual friends.. be confident be happy and pretend she is not even there.. when she approaches immediately start a conversation with someone so she never has your eye contact.. blank blank blank...

People will know exactly what she is.. trust me.. but they likely fear her venom targeting them... preferring it is directed at you... or anyone but themselves ...

Stay strong.. confident.. pleasant.. and never let her win.. 🌸

Shes jealous of you most probably because you're younger,popular and can play an instrument.

You might never find out why she's locked onto you but I'd really strongly suggest you don't confront her, that will be exactly the attention she craves. Far better to just keep ignoring her because it will wind her up even more. You fight narcicists with Grey rock. Google it.

@Marjoriedrawers

You might never find out why she's locked onto you but I'd really strongly suggest you don't confront her, that will be exactly the attention she craves. Far better to just keep ignoring her because it will wind her up even more. You fight narcicists with Grey rock. Google it.

definitely

I would freeze her out - don’t talk about her, shut down conversations about her, tell people you don’t want to know what she’s saying and walk away if she approaches you. I’d go total grey rock and hope it either means she moves on or else boils over and shows her true colours to everyone else.

Don't confront her. I was in a similar situation, someone had leeched onto my life and encroached on every relationship I had. In the end I was scared of her, I'd seen her destroy others lives like it entertained her. I made the mistake of confronting the person. Hasn't ended well for me at all.

I've no idea how to cope with people like this so have cut myself off from pretty much everyone. Also not advisable. I don't have a solution for you but it's most certainly not to confront her.

People like that can talk themselves out of anything. Tread carefully.

Something like this happened to me. I can tell you what doesn't work:

• trying to make friends (she got worse)
• trying to counter the rumours (she said I was trying too hard to deny them)

I have no idea why she picked on me, I think I could have been anyone.

Grey rock probably is best. I wished I'd known about it back then. I just found a new circle of friends who were nothing to do with her and left her to it. If I had my time over I'd eyeroll and say "Oh she's making things up again is she?" and change the subject, hiding my anger etc.

Very childish behaviour indeed, I would ignore her. Grown adults behaving like a child is disgraceful. People may be likely to automatically take sides, some for questionable reasons (self gain, social status, rumour reasons etc) but try not to concern yourself with this. Your true friends will stick by you

Thank you all so much!

Yes, your experiences are why I haven't wanted to approach. Grey Rock is essentially what I'm doing. But I need to remember to tell people I don't want to hear what she's been saying. The problem is that part of me does want to know! Forewarned is forearmed and all that but i certainly don't engage in conversation. My response has generally been,"Wow, who knew I got up to so much when I wasn't looking! " or similar. I don't get upset by it.

I would literally hold my head high .. enjoy events with your actual friends.. be confident be happy and pretend she is not even there.

Yeah this is exactly what I have been doing thinking she'd get bored. Unfortunately she just doubles down on her efforts.

Tbf, a lot of people who have got close to her do know what she is like but she's likes to center herself in things and, as a pp said, people are just glad they're not on the receiving end!

My position so far has been to think if I carry on just being myself, some of those people will get to know and realise its nonsense (some have) and the others don't count

That has reminded me though that, in the middle of it all, I got talking to a woman at the bar who seemed very hesitant to talk to me. By the end of the evening she said she'd had a really lovely evening and she was a bit surprised because none of the things she'd heard about were true

Guess I'll just have to keep on doing what I'm doing and hope she grows bored of it!