work and personal lives blurring in a bad way

[ltguzza]

I am a manager of a number of people at my work. As a manager I try to be affable, learn about my team and happily engage in chat. I do keep my personal circumstances to myself for the most part, includingmy relationship status.

We had our first works night out in ages, everyone had a few, one of my staff asked me out! She is nearly 10 years younger than me, a nice enough person but a single mum with two kids to two dad's, which for me is a deal-breaker regardless of how nice she is.

I have also been seeing someone after some time single. It's going really well and feels serious. I hadn't told anyone at work up to this point.

So I turned her down, she asked why, I said I was seeing someone. She said I had kept that quiet, how serious was it and basically kept going saying that we could just see how it went. At this point my inebriated brain made a huge mistake and I said that even if I was single I wouldn't date a single mum.

This went down like a sack of shit.

Since then it has been strained at work, not so much with her but the other women I manage. No one really believes I am seeig anyone and they all seem to think I am a bastard for not considering single mums.

I don't want this to turn into a dating single mums bunfight, I just need advice on how to smooth this all over!

I think that ship has sailed. Your views on 'single mums' maybe need some work

The idea behind not dating a single parent isn’t bigoted, I wouldn’t want the responsibility of someone else’s kids either.

However, in your OP you mentioned ‘2 kids by 2 dads’ and the tone comes across judgey, you probably sounded judgey on the night. I probably would’ve thought you were a dick had I been there too.

I’d just let her know that it’s nothing personal to her, you’re just not ready for the responsibility of being a step parent and what that entails.

They’ll probably still hate you. Can’t please everyone.

ignore and it will pass eventually - either that or they will call you out on it and if so, explain that at this stage in your life, kids are not on your agenda and because of that, you wont be engaging in realtionships that contain them (no matter how nice the person may be) - end of! dont engage and be firm, that way they cant keep chipping away

Yep they're all gonna hate on you for eternity.
Some of the other woman will be silently judging the single mum but you, a mere man, said it out loud tut tut, so now they need to back her up and hate on you.
Ignore them, be professional and if anyone is daft enough to mention it say what you said here "I'm seeing someone, I've not discussed it because it's early days & it's personal, I tried to explain to Miss xxxx that I was unavailable, unfortunately she wouldn't let the matter drop, pushed the issue, I'd had a couple of drinks too many and said something which has insulted her, for which I'm very sorry"

I don't want to date a man with two kids by two mums.
Nothing against single dads, there might be good reasons why he's no longer with either of the mothers, it's just that it makes life more complicated than I want my life to be.

I dated a single dad and whenever his child's mother was mentioned, or if she rang up to see if 'DC' had left their hoodie or trainers or whatever at his, it made me feel slightly that the bond between him and the ex was always going to be a part of his life.

I don't want this to turn into a dating single mums bunfight, I just need advice on how to smooth this all over!

You continue to be a good manager.

If you really really want to keep work and personal life separate, don't go for nights out with your staff.

And.... Are you sure you haven't been a bit toooo 'affable'?

Finally- you are well within your right to not want to date someone with kids, but use some diplomacy, perhaps? If someone was physically unattractive to you, you wouldn't say ' I find you hideous'. There are a zillion kind ways to put a nice clear boundary in place. And without using someone else as an excuse.

She sounded really pushy though

If you don't want to date a single mum, use a condom.

Sounds like she had a lucky escape.

Tbh we all have our deal breakers and within reason most people's are fair. We don't have to justify them it's our life our choices.
Maybe if she didn't want to hear the truth she souldve taken your initial answer rather than back you into an uncomfortable corner. No one should actually have to explain why no is no, it's just no.
That being said I think because you were drunk the message was probably not delivered with much tact and because the person receiving the person was drunk, it also wasn't received with a clear brain so ugh......
Not a lot you can do about that now.
I would continue on at work in a respectful and professional manner. Managing your team with integrity and in the same perfectly acceptable way I'm assuming you have done previously. They'll get over it, if they don't tough. I've worked with and under people I don't necessarily like as long as there is respect and they do their job properly that's fine.

At this point my inebriated brain made a huge mistake and I said that even if I was single I wouldn't date a single mum.

As you have said, this is the big mistake here.

I think it's absolutely acceptable to not want to date someone with a child.

Just don't say that!

The irony is you had the perfect reason - "sorry Brenda, but I'm your boss and I think its unprofessional to date someone in my team".

Be tactful to save people's feelings. Single mothers are judged (still) in our society. She is not being unreasonable for being upset.

Sounds like she has told everyone and now they think you're a tool.

You need to apologise to her directly again, and say you value her work and a team member and you hope you can put it behind you. Explain you have thought about how it came across and you're very sorry if you hurt her. Explain you don't want children and that includes a partners children- it's nothing personal. Then apologise again!

I don't think you will be invited to another night out

So entitled. I would fire them all! Are they actually making you feel uncomfortable at work?

And what does she expect you to say when she won't stop banging on about just seeing how it goes? She can't even take no for an answer!

I would just make light of it. Maybe mention that you don't want kids or something so that ppl think that's why.

Also I'd jokingly be like 'no means no Sandra'.

Overall though I'd just keep my head down and get on with things. Be pleasant and stuff.

Aube they knew she had a big crush on you so are just showing solidarity. Rather than it being about your comment.

I wouldn't be keen on dating a single parent either.

Why didn't you say you couldn't date her because you're her manager? Which is surely true.

I think your mistake was being a bit too "affable" with the team in the first place. You've made the common mistake of trying to be mates and not putting proper boundaries in place. If you go out for drinks with people who work with you, you should have one, drink up and go. You should never ever be drunk with people you manage. Just the fact that one of your team asked you out, and the team are sulking with you, shows you've been way too "friendly". I mean, who endangers their job by sulking with their boss?!?

Back off with the personal stuff. Tell people who are being dicks with you directly to knock it off because it's an inappropriate way to behave in the workplace and you will make it a disciplinary issue if you have to. Be their manager not their mate and don't let a situation like this arise again.

First off call her into somewhere private and apologise for the Single Mum comment. Say that you absolutely didn’t mean it or think it but you were struggling to find a good reason to give that didn’t reveal more about you and your relationship status.

You can have any reason you like not to date people, but basic human decency dictates that we don't insult people when it's avoidable.

It's fine not to want to date someone with children, but you didn't say that... you said you don't want to date a 'single mum' in a way that sounds sneery. Your comment to us about the 2 dads backs that up. You sounds sneery and judgemental. As a manager you should be able to deliver news without personally insulting people.

No wonder what you said is unpopular. I would suggest that either avoid future work do's or at least stay sober. And in future, the appropriate answer is 'I don't date people from my team'.

Quite within your rights, i was quite specific with who i would and wouldn't date... a big no for me was also anyone that worked with or especially for me. That was almost 20 years ago, i think now that is even more particularly frowned upon. If roles had been reversed and you asked her out and persisted when she said no then that could be classed as sexual harassment

You massively fucked up and I'm not surprised your team are pissed off with you as you were rude and unprofessional.

Maybe you should say that and apologise genuinely.

What was wrong with 'I don't date colleagues' or 'I don't date people I manage'

Unless you do of course.

You need to work on your boundaries as a manager. Its a really bad idea to get drunk with people you manage, allow them to question you beyond your comfort zone about your personal life, allow a situation where one of them thinks its appropriate to ask you out and not let it drop when you say no, and make it known they hate you. And it's a really bad idea to share your controversial personal opinions. If you want even a hope of being viewed with respect, you need to distance yourself, keep things work related and say nothing more about that evening. Don't bring it up or offer explanations. And hope that if you ever have to discipline them they don't retaliate by accusing you of being discriminatory. Its not a big leap to that from what they all heard you say.

Do you know what, I actually think she was being massively inappropriate towards you. Asking you out and badgering you about your personal life. She should be the one who is embarrassed in this situation, it’s just unfortunate you told her the truth and she didn’t want to hear it.

I think you just need some firmer boundaries and have a discussion with HR on how to handle it. Inform your manager in case it comes back to bite you. Document everything. Next thing you know you’ll decline her annual leave request and she’ll be saying you’re penalising her because you don’t like single parents.

In your shoes I wouldn’t want to date a single parent either but that’s personal preference and not a matter for office gossip. To be honest your personal preference is neither here nor there, it shouldn’t have been up for discussion.

Agree she should have taken the first "no" as a "no".