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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

me and dh said goodbye to our marriage today

40 replies

jenk1 · 06/12/2007 16:15

we attended relate this morning and both said there was no going back with regards to our marriage.

dh admitted he has agression towards women, stemming from what his mum did when he was a child and tht he needs professional help and that he is going to see a psychotherapist.

it was very sad.

even i have done all my crying for months it was still upsetting to see dh crying

OP posts:
Dinosaur · 07/12/2007 11:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
jenk1 · 07/12/2007 17:29

yes dh has a place to live until january as the home owner has sold the house.

i understand what you mean about making a once and for all decision, ive calmed down a bit now!!!!

i was freaking out at the prospect of divorce, cos i dont want to divorce but i need him to get help for his problem before i get back with him.

i know that he,s going to want to come back in jan as he doesnt have the money to pay for a private rented house, so thats looking on the horizon although he could stay at his sisters.
but she,s not a very nice person and he,s reluctant to do that.

OP posts:
ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 07/12/2007 17:32

(((((((((Jenk))))))))))))))) Thinking of you all

NotQuiteCockney · 07/12/2007 17:38

If he's getting himself sorted out, maybe, if you can (if you want to!) you can just wait a little while and be patient?

I don't think you should have him back in your house until things are more settled, tbh. Unless you have a spare bedroom he could have? And have some strict rules?

TotalChaos · 07/12/2007 17:41

I agree with Dino and NQC - that maybe you could sort things out if he gives you space and sorts out his problems.

YuleLoveHekateAtSolstice · 07/12/2007 17:47

I think it's a fine line. I think that if you take him back into the home at this point, he will be Business As Usual. He's back, feet under table and things will slide and you will be right back where you are now with one more problem - he will think he can make you back down again, so will be even LESS likely to change at that point.

OTOH, if you divorce now, there's no hope for a future together, or no 'carrot' dangling, iyswim....so he'll be less likely to make changes now, since the motivation - ending the seperation and being together again - is not there.

So I'd think about a formal separation period of, say, 6 months, where getting back together is NOT an option (he just has to sort his housing out!!) but that depending on the progress he's made as a person, you will go back to Relate at that point with him, to discuss options, including getting back together.

Sympathies to you, it must feel awful.

YuleLoveHekateAtSolstice · 07/12/2007 17:47

I think it's a fine line. I think that if you take him back into the home at this point, he will be Business As Usual. He's back, feet under table and things will slide and you will be right back where you are now with one more problem - he will think he can make you back down again, so will be even LESS likely to change at that point.

OTOH, if you divorce now, there's no hope for a future together, or no 'carrot' dangling, iyswim....so he'll be less likely to make changes now, since the motivation - ending the seperation and being together again - is not there.

So I'd think about a formal separation period of, say, 6 months, where getting back together is NOT an option (he just has to sort his housing out!!) but that depending on the progress he's made as a person, you will go back to Relate at that point with him, to discuss options, including getting back together.

Sympathies to you, it must feel awful.

Original poster
jenk1 · 07/12/2007 17:56

yes hekate that makes a lot of sense.

today he admitted he has been jealous of ds cos of all the time and care ive spent with him -he said it left him confused cos he never got that as a child but that he knows its wrong to take it out on ds.

i said to him if he sorts himself out then maybe i would be willing to give it another go but that im not getting back with him until he sorts his agression and attitude to women out, ive printed off houses for rent off the internet for him-so he knows he cannot just move back into here.

he has phoned the psychotherapist and is waiting for her to get back to him so thats a start.

i went to see a solicitor the other day, she wanted £300 up front and charges £140 an hour, she said what about a formal seperation as i told her i wasnt sure i wanted a divorce-but i havent got that sort of money, im sure ive read somewhere that you can do your own letter saying you are formally seperated, if anyone knows anything about this id be grateful.

but no, it would be so easy to let him back and he wouldnt change, i know he wouldnt, i have to be strong now.

OP posts:
makemineadouble · 07/12/2007 18:29

sending you hugs and strength

it's time for you now x

NotQuiteCockney · 07/12/2007 18:32

Hmmm, there are books for DIY separation and divorce at about £12. I can't seem to find anything too informative online.

A set period of separation, and living separately sounds wise, in your situation.

OhComeLetUsADiorHim · 07/12/2007 18:45

Jenk - I nearly divorced h this year. Not for the same reasons as you, but, if there is something left, it is worth a go at fixing.

However, sometimes it is just best to walk away. Only you really know. x

Original poster
jenk1 · 09/12/2007 20:12

got some good news.
dh has found himself somewhere to live when he has to leave his friends house, so i can stop panicking about him coming to me and saying he has nowhere else to go.

i have felt very angry this weekend.

angry at dh and his treatment of me and ds and at his refusal to sort himself out for so long, if had done maybe things would have been different now.

i hope he does sort himself out for his own sake, ive been really upset since thursday because i know its the end and its going to take the miracle of dh totally not being the way he is to make it work again and i dont think he will do it.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 09/12/2007 20:13

i'm so sorry, jen.

i am glad, however, you are having a good day today and he is getting things sorted.

having been through a divorce myself, it was amicable but still one of the most painful things i've ever come there, it's just one day at a time for a while.

hope the good days start to outnumber the bad.

Original poster
jenk1 · 10/12/2007 17:53

spoke to dh today, he told me he HAS opened a basic bank account
and he,s made an appointment to go back and see the psychotherapist on weds

he said

"im trying hard to sort myself out, i dont want to be the old person anymore, i really want to change and become a better person"

im pleased but im also pleased for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
jenk1 · 10/12/2007 17:54

also yesterday he showed me his debts letters with his NEW address on.

OP posts:
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