Advice needed please!

[Oooopsididitagain12]

So started seeing someone I knew from years ago last month. Lots of sparks due to the excitement of us being together after so long. However lots of flags have come up…
His first long term relationship he was almost a carer for her - she has lots of health issues, no confidence and sex was an issue. However since they split up she met someone else and had “normal” relationship and her confidence flourished.
His relationships since have been “ unusual “ too. One a lady 23 years his senior & another 10 years older who he was with for 13 years but she never wanted to live with him.
He’s intelligent, until recently had a good job, but lives in a small dated flat. Not particularly generous despite saying recently money is no issue due him. He claims to have been in love / have feelings for me for years and years. Sex is already mundane and never makes any effort after he’s “finished”
He doesn’t remember important appointments in my life, doesn’t compliment me and even had to be told to wear antiperspirant 🤦‍♀️
Wtf am I doing with him?!!?

Wtf am I doing with him?!!?

Indeed. Is nostalgia (i.e you've known him for years but clearly he is not the person you actually thought he was) getting in the way here of you actually throwing this one back into the pond?.

Even though your past shouldn't define you, in this case l think his previous unusual relationships ( if true) are a clear indication of why he is still single. Not sure l'd believe he's pined for you throughout either, this sounds like manipulation or love bombing. Altogether not a good prospect O. P, I think you know it's time to leave this one in the past.

@Seaoftroubles yes his pining does seem completely ott. Also very disrespectful to go last girlfriend. He even said he loved me as he was driving off - I didn’t react and it’s not been mentioned since.
All the money issues don’t add up either - dated flat, saying we’d have to cut back on eating out ( just after we’d arrived at a restaurant!), but also saying money is no issue for him!!

I find it hard to believe that his relationship with his mum is great yet he has a history of seeking relationships with women of his mums generation.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation he gets on well with his mother but does seem to go for women who he can “help”. His first ltr the lady was very needy, the much older lady has a child his age who died and the other lady had an abusive previous partner!

O.P all this sounds deeply suspicious; the declarations of love so early on, the financial turnaround, his poor personal hygiene, plus his unusual previous partners.Your gut feeling is that something is 'off', please don't ignore it.

@Seaoftroubles thanks. There’s definitely something not quite right. I’m assuming he’s harmless as I knew him for many years in the past.
However a woman 23 years his senior (with a child the same age who died) feels a bit creepy to me. Plus all the other stuff:
Money situation not adding up
Hygiene (until corrected!)
Comments about spending money when actually at the restaurant
Sex
Not remembering things important to me
Flippant declaration of love
Not “remembering “ some things from the past
Keeping things from his ex
No genuine compliments - I’d when I’ve made an effort to dress up for the evening, my home, etc, etc

[quote Oooopsididitagain12]@Seaoftroubles thanks. There’s definitely something not quite right. I’m assuming he’s harmless as I knew him for many years in the past.
However a woman 23 years his senior (with a child the same age who died) feels a bit creepy to me. Plus all the other stuff:
Money situation not adding up
Hygiene (until corrected!)
Comments about spending money when actually at the restaurant
Sex
Not remembering things important to me
Flippant declaration of love
Not “remembering “ some things from the past
Keeping things from his ex
No genuine compliments - I’d when I’ve made an effort to dress up for the evening, my home, etc, etc[/quote]
I mean... what are you doing with him?!

@youvegottenminuteslynn I know - sounds bad doesn’t it

Sounds bad? It is bad.

Just drop him and catch yourself on.

.

So is he dumped yet?

@SparklingLime not yet…

Please leave, you are worth more and it’s disturbing to read this!

@KindChick thank you 😊
Can I ask which thing you find most disturbing?

Are you worried about being alone, OP?

Read your own list back OP.

Do you think that's what a healthy, happy relationship looks like?

Are you on a wind up - I'll give a list of what makes a terrible partner and watch people fall over themselves to tell me to leave, and then maybe I'll add another list of things and act like I need it explaining to me why it's bad?

Tbh, he sounds like a serial killer. Are you sure his mum isn't in a rocking chair somewhere in the house?

I'm interested in his flat, how dated
70s 80s 90s?

@youvegottenminuteslynn no doesn’t sound good. Spoke to some in rl about it though and they didn’t think it was so bad if we still got on.

O. P You've had good advice on here, and so far no one has thought he sounds a good prospect. However only you can decide what your tolerance levels are and what you are prepared to overlook.

[quote Oooopsididitagain12]@youvegottenminuteslynn no doesn’t sound good. Spoke to some in rl about it though and they didn’t think it was so bad if we still got on.[/quote]
It's up to you to decide the bar you set for relationships.

I don't think 'not so bad' is a level of relationship that I would want to invest in any more, it isn't a sustainable level of interest or happiness to fulfil you long term surely?

You can 'get on' with lots of people but there are very few you'd want to be your long term partner...

I think you're setting your bar far too low personally.

@youvegottenminuteslynn thanks. Yes, think the bar has dropped thus time unfortunately- blame nostalgia sad 😞