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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this how people separate

16 replies

Kadia92 · 27/09/2021 20:24

Hi everyone so need somewhere to take out my frustration

Me, my husband and 4 kids are in temporary accommodation and we decided to split. Im quite saddened as i tried to make things work even though his at fault, makes no effort, ignores important issues etc

Today i called him to finalise what he wants from our relationship and he said i cant be bothered with the arguments, just call it a day, i think we will never understand eachother, it is what it is, its headache.

I still had hope he may try and see how unhappy the arguments make me feel aswell but he doesn't acknowledge that hes mostly wrong. All arguments start from his lack of acknowledgement

His actions and words obviously tell me how unbothered he is

Should i just leave it as that now? Should i try speak again, do you think hes found someone. Block? What do i do im broken

I am so stressed about housing also, how will we live under one roof after all this

OP posts:

category12 · 27/09/2021 20:52

Well, as you're in temporary accommodation, it's probably better that you split now, rather than going into housing together as joint tenants. You really don't need the complication of trying to remove him from a tenancy later on.

Original poster

Kadia92 · 27/09/2021 21:53

I think its complicated as we're married @category12

OP posts:

category12 · 27/09/2021 21:56

But if you're separated, he won't have a right to join you in a new tenancy. Move separately, don't go into housing together.

Probablyinpain · 27/09/2021 22:12

Sounds like we are in very similar situations. I've recently ended it with my ex. Similar reasons. He also has not said anything to me at all unless it's to do with the kids. Just proved to me exactly what I meant to him and cemented the fact that I made the right decision.

I agree with previous poster I wouldn't go into a joint tennancy. Complicates things.

Livandme · 27/09/2021 22:16

If you have dc you can't block him.

Original poster

Kadia92 · 27/09/2021 22:17

Im so sorry its sooooo horrible and really tells you their true feelings.. I know he will regret it once hes had all his fun but its his loss.

But as we're married im being told we both can live together under one roof. Its a bad situation for me n the kids. So im very confused @category12 @Probablyinpain

OP posts:

Original poster

Kadia92 · 27/09/2021 22:19

I still did, i said il speak to him once im ready too. Im not saying its permanent but hes ignored me for days on and dont need to speak to him now @Livandme

OP posts:

category12 · 27/09/2021 22:25

Who's telling you that? Him?

It would be crazy to move somewhere together if you're splitting up. You will have the devil's own job getting him out later on and it will not benefit you or the children in the long run.

I can see why he probably wants to move with you, assuming you're main carer for the dc, you'll have higher priority for housing than him on his own.

Original poster

Kadia92 · 27/09/2021 22:40

No hun housing is saying that.. @category12 he dont know what i been getting advice

OP posts:

Original poster

Kadia92 · 27/09/2021 22:41

Apparently I need a divorce sorted to move

OP posts:

category12 · 27/09/2021 22:44

Look at it this way, if you move separately and you get a tenancy on your own, then say you get back together and everything sorts itself out, he can easily be added to the tenancy once you're confident in the relationship.

Otoh, if you move together as things are and have a joint tenancy, he will have the same rights to stay there as you. He could fuck around, bring women into the house, go out all night or whatever and you would struggle to get him out.

Original poster

Kadia92 · 27/09/2021 22:48

Yes thats exactly what i explained but housing is telling me as we are legally married he has right to occupy aswell and we cannot leave unless i go private which i cannot afford, With no help. @category12

OP posts:

Original poster

Kadia92 · 27/09/2021 22:49

They are saying legally married gives you right to stay even if relationship is hell.

Its so crap i hope im not being lied too. So they can avoid my case

OP posts:

category12 · 27/09/2021 22:49

I'd speak to Shelter for further advice. I think you should be able to officially separate without having a divorce finalised.

Original poster

Kadia92 · 27/09/2021 22:53

Thank you. I will call them 1st thing in the morning. I explained separation fair enough i will get paperwork but divorce is not something i can rush into overnight. Its a massive step emotionally. @category12

OP posts:

Glitterandunicorns · 27/09/2021 23:45

Hi @Kadia92 I'm sorry you're in that position.

I echo a PP who has recommended getting advice from Shelter. I don't see how what you have been told can be correct. You can't get a divorce until you've been separated for at least a couple of years, so Even if you wanted to, that's not a road you could go down yet.

Definitely do not get a house with someone you're separated from. That sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen.

Best of luck.

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