Feel like I should be further on than I am

[Livandme]

Separated from h almost 2 years ago. He's met someone else and has turned out to be a rubbish dad to our dc as time goes on.
Changes plan, doesn't communicate unless pushed and will palm kids off, not do anything with them or leave them whilst he does things on the 1 day he has them. They are either teenagers or almost teenagers so I'm not concerned for safety issues just for the fact he'd rather prioritise himself than them for the one day he has them

This last couple of weeks I've really struggled to feel positive. I've gone back on my anti depressants as was finding myself feeling anxious alot as I realised everything falls to me.
I think I was hoping I'd have moved on a lot more than I have. Not sure if the incoming dark nights are making me feel this way.
I do feel sad and lonely at times but I have friends and hobbies and a job I enjoy but I don't want to be a drain.

I have had a brief relationship where we had great fun but our life circumstances were not compatible for a longer relationship. I do feel quite sad about that as I was able to be myself from day one and didn't need to make an effort and it was lovely.

So here I am today, winter is looming and I feel sad.
How can I shake myself out of this?
I'm not ready to date again, I'm scared to open up to anyone else right now. I wish I could but I know I'm not ready.
Any recommendations?

OP Im in exactly the same position as you, I could have written your post. I'm two years separated from my exH who is now remarried with his second child on the way I had a FWB last year who treated me appallingly and I've been single all of this year.

I too feel I haven't moved on at all and I'm dwelling on the past pretty much 100% of my time. I'm tearful and have felt suicidal as I cant see a happy future for myself or meeting someone else. I just work and spend time with my kids, that's it really.

I have no advice, I just wanted you to know you are not alone

Get a dog op. Honestly it will get you out for walks, keep you company at night and you will meet so many other dog walkers along the way! Also speak to exh about dumping the kids off all the time!

I have a dog. I walk her a lot. I chat to people on walks and take her places on my own and with others when I can.

Mermaidwaves, I'm sorry you are having a rubbish time too. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with. Do you have time for you at all? Do you have Rl support? Pm me of you like.

Its odd I don't miss h. I'm not pining for him. Im sad that things didnt work out as I'd planned / hoped I guess. Both for me and the dc. But that's it there.
The brief relationship made me happy, he was great fun, we had lots in common and I just felt at home with him but I guess that was me looking for that comfort after years of being sad and lonely with h.
The only other single people I know are single, happy and child free. I feel weighed down sometimes with the pressure of doing everything and the right thing.

Sorry youre both feeling like this. No advice really just a hand hold and vent away were here to listen but hopefully someone can come along whos been through this and offer some words of wisdom

Oh OP, I feel for you.
There is no time limit when you should be over things or moved on. Some things stay with you forever, you just get better at managing it.
Be kind to yourself, look after yourself. Don't be so critical, you're doing amazing.

A friend has suggested I "put myself out there" but the thought of old fills me with dread. Not hugely confident with my looks, although I'm fairly confident in myself. I know I need to make a few changes to help my mood but I am struggling to know what.
Thank you for the kind words

@Livandme
Thanks for your support, I understand that other singles I know seem to be carefree and so positive about it. Everyone else my age seems to find another relationship really quickly, I honestly wonder how! I also get the weighed down feeling, I worry if my kids think I'm a good mum and how they will look back on their childhoods.

I think it's a particularly gloomy time at the moment. So much is going haywire and we're heading into winter with a lot of unknowns (e.g. third wave?) and a general sense of isolation. None of this will be helping you.

When I lived alone and felt that way, I used to line up treats for myself the next day. Just a tiny thing, like a breakfast I knew I'd really look forward to, something to make me get out of bed with a smile. Take yourself on a date night now and then by doing something you really enjoy, or taking up a new hobby. This sounds ridiculous but I got really into needlework! Slowly creating something beautiful is very therapeutic, maybe because it's a metaphor for what we're trying to achieve in life.

Thanks alcemeg
Again comforting words to help.
My dc are obviously a couple of years older now and if they aren't out they are sat upstairs in their rooms so although I aren't alone, I very much am.
Reminds me of the later years with H, when he may have been there but not there.

I normally dont mind winter and dark nights but I am dreading it this year as feels like its going to be long and lonely.
I could get my breadmaker and slow cooker out again and try to perfect some recipes. Just need recipes the kids will eat!

Exercise is good for the mood too. Is there a group walking in the evenings or hill walking at weekends when dc are at their Dad. Something that really stretches you and tires you our so you sleep better and gives your thoughts a rest.

I think you need a constructive plan for your time, @Livandme. The really good thing about being alone is that you can actually achieve loads of things you tend not to do when in a relationship. I had much better fitness goals when I was single, for example! 😋

Good luck x

As someone said above, there’s no time limit. Some people seem to bounce back very quickly and rush into the next relationship, others have to lick their wounds. I took ages to get over my last serious relationship (he cheated just before our wedding and married the other woman a year later). But I’m now very happy with my husband (married 15+ yrs) and it’s all a distant memory.

You sound like a rescue dog might suit you - something that’s been through the mill and needs fuss, time and exercise that would fill your time and love you back.

Thank you. I think I will try and put a list together and try and tick a few things off over the winter that makes me feel I have accomplished something. Can think of a few jobs around the house that need doing.
I don't really like the whole Christmas season either, it focuses on family and I have a very small extended family who don't celebrate much and so I always feel alone then too.
I already do a lot of exercise, have 3 dc and a dog so do not feel I need to tire myself out anymore!
Think the lack of actual physical contact is tough, my dc are older now and am lucky to get a brief hug other than bedtime.

If you're busy with kids, friends, dog, hobbies and sport then the only thing you're missing is a relationship.

I would carry on giving online dating a go. But be very choosy so the only people you're meeting are few and good quality. That's what I did so didn't meet many people but out of less than 10 people I dated, I had 2 short relationships and my boyfriend now. And made a couple of friends too. I was in no rush though - I only wanted a relationship if it is brilliant.

I thought I'd come back for either a hand hold or a strongly worded reply.

I had a great day yesterday, spent with friends, doing a hobby followed by a meal.
As we got off the train, some were collected by partners, others jumped into their cars to go home and I went for another drink with a few others.
It suddenly dawned on me how lonely I was, how sad I felt that no one was going to pick me up or ask how the day had been.

I've not been able to shake this feeling off all day today. How lonely I am and how much I need a hug.
I'm teary and sad and feeling sorry for myself.
I've done a few jobs, collected a parcel but then sat in the car crying as everyone seems to be with someone.
I feel like such a burden if I was to ring someone today. It feels hard today 😪

Sorry, OP. I am in a similar position and I agree it is hard

I remember that feeling. But you will come out the other side. I promise you.