Bare with me this may be long. So I’m 31 and I had a realisation yesterday after a long time . My last relationship ended over a year ago.
In 2018 I was diagnosed with a rare disorder that can’t be treated but can be in remission which it is now. I was made aware that it can come back in 5-10 years and they probably couldn’t control it this time.
Ever since I push guys away. I don’t feel like I deserve to find someone and then hurt them in a couple years time. I want love and marriage and kids so badly I always have but sadly I don’t believe I can have it and it breaks my heart. I live my life, work full time etc go out with friends and what not but to me I feel like I can’t hurt or fall in love with someone.
Don’t even know why im writing this but I can’t tell my family or friends how I feel as they’d think im crazy. For me im not selfish enough to meet a guy and potentially break his heart in a few years should the worse happen.
I just don’t know how to stop breaking my own heart in the meantime. I forever get asked when I’m having kids or meeting someone and I never know how to answer.