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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Wife won't forgive me

5 replies

Googleboxfan · 27/09/2021 18:28

Please be nice as feeling fragile.

Long story short is both wife and I have been under a lot of stress over past few years. Things came to a head and we argued. Both of us in overwhelm have said and done very hurtful things to one another.

During the awful period I rang a woman's aid type group for help and support. They said I was being financially abused and what my wife was doing was coercive control.

She explained the reasons why she did what she did..she paid for our holiday with money and also other things she did.

I have apologised to her and explained I went into overwhelm and found the situation difficult to cope with, which is why I said and did things like contact solicitor for advise etc. She doesn't seem to acknowledge the impact of her own actions towards me.

Anyway, wife and I are still separated and living in same house. Both decided to draw aline under everything and focus on bringing up dd6. Which we are.

When we were going through the upset I lent on my sister and friend for support. Wife cannot get over the fact I told sister and friend that she was being financially abusive and coercive towards me. She said I should never have said that about her.

She is a very private person who has high morals and does not speak to anyone about her private life. Whereas I am complete opposite. I wear my heart on my sleeve and have to get things off my chest.

We have been together nearly 30 years and have never said had a cross word with one another.

How do I seek forgiveness from her. I now time is a great healer. I was thinking of writing a letter to her.

Any constructive advice would be helpful. Thank you

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 27/09/2021 18:38

I remember your other threads and this has been ongoing most of the year and she clearly wants to draw a line under the marriage.

So begging for forgiveness for totally normal actions seems like an exhaustion of energy.

Zeal · 27/09/2021 18:39

Just tell here how you feel. If she is being controlling and coercive let her know this is not how you want to live and it has to stop or you will file for divorce. If she understands just how you feel, takes responsibility for her actions and for herself, you might have a future. If not, then you need to really prepare for divorce and build your life around your DD.

Googleboxfan · 27/09/2021 18:46

@Zeal

Just tell here how you feel. If she is being controlling and coercive let her know this is not how you want to live and it has to stop or you will file for divorce. If she understands just how you feel, takes responsibility for her actions and for herself, you might have a future. If not, then you need to really prepare for divorce and build your life around your DD.
She is not being controlling now. Only during the arguments. But she went into overwhelm too.

She's been diagnosed with high levels of anxiety and depression- this has not helped with situation at all.

OP posts:
Googleboxfan · 27/09/2021 18:47

@ElspethFlashman

I remember your other threads and this has been ongoing most of the year and she clearly wants to draw a line under the marriage.

So begging for forgiveness for totally normal actions seems like an exhaustion of energy.

We don't argue at all now. Both on the same page with parenting our dd6 now.

This was the crux of all of arguements and resentments was being on different parenting pages.

OP posts:
Marjoriedrawers · 27/09/2021 18:56

Why do you even want forgiveness if you are separated? It would be easier to just accept the relationship is over and move on. You can't make someone forgive you. Why waste the energy?

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