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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sad and tired

12 replies

Incredibad · 27/09/2021 18:19

So, I had a thread on AIBU a while back about how my DP of 3 years was always ‘too broke’ to do fun things with me but splurged money for dinner with a friend. Things have been better since I said how it made me feel and that I was reconsidering the relationship as I just didn’t feel valued. I’ve just returned from a two week work trip, not fancy but gruelling, and we have kept in touch fairly sporadically. Thing is, we’re seeing each other on Friday night and I’m really not picking up any enthusiasm at all. He does suffer from periods of depression and I try and be supportive and also not take it personally, but it’s just so draining to wonder if your partner even wants to see you? I’m so sad of feeling like the excitement of seeing the person I love is one-sided? When I talk to him about it he says he’s depressed and stressed and does care about me, but it’s just so….fucking tiring? I feel selfish for wanting basic shit like my partner being happy to see me and I’m hacked off with it now. I also know how shitty depression is to live with so swing between feeling gutted and feeling unreasonable.

I don’t know, I just wanted to get that out really. Thanks if you made it this far.

OP posts:
Whatabambam · 27/09/2021 18:28

Ah, I would totally feel the same if you feel unloved, you feel unloved, it doesn't matter what the cause of this is. It sounds like you have tried to get him to understand but nothing has changed so you have probably reached the point of decision making. So sad for you but you deserve happiness. Perhaps your DP may seek out the help he needs if he recognises that it has impacted on his relationship with you but this is for him to work out. Sadly, you are not his therapist and it's not something that you need to feel responsible for. I wish you well in whatever decision you feel is right for you

Original poster
Incredibad · 27/09/2021 20:19

It’s like he can’t bring himself to think of anything other than how he’s feeling one day to the next. I get that’s it’s a mental health issue and that makes me feel worse for being so upset and feeling rejected.

OP posts:
Original poster
Incredibad · 28/09/2021 09:09

Bumping this as we’re going to see each other for a drink this eve and I’m not sure if I should actually just end it or not.

OP posts:
thesplashing · 28/09/2021 09:18

Choose happiness.

If he's not bringing you joy 90% the time get rid. If it's not easy and fun 90% of the time get rid.

Has anyone told you before that you can do better? If not, here I am to tell you that you can do better.

HollowTalk · 28/09/2021 09:20

I agree with @thesplashing. Choose happiness.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 28/09/2021 09:35

The thing is that he may have a mental health problem so not able to choose to be different one day to the next, but the fact is that if, for whatever reason, you are unable to offer a partner the support and love that any human needs then you unfortunately aren't able to offer a relationship that actually fits the meaning of the word.
So given this is true for him and you haven't sworn to love him in sickness and health until you die, you don't need to hitch your wagon to his horse cos his horse is only going to offer a destination of unhappiness.
He needs to be single, get some support and help to turn his mental health /life around and then, if when he has the capacity to be in a relationship and an offering which is life enhancing not life draining, then he can become part of someone's life. He isn't at that place and being part of your life is not a benefit to you. It might be a benefit to him(?) but not you.
Just remember it is far far far easier to drag someone down to where you are than for that other person to haul you up to where they are. You can't fix this.
Cut your losses, it might be the spur he needs to sort himself out. Free from the demands of a need he can't fulfil and having shaken off his laissez-faire he might find the umph he needs to seek change.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 28/09/2021 09:41

This isn't a temporary blip is it. This is it.

MarylinMonrue · 28/09/2021 09:46

Is this the guy who was too broke and stressed to take you to dinner but spent £100 on a hotel restaurant meal with a friend? It may be a mental health issues, or maybe he's checked out and is carrying on with an OW. Either way, you don't sound very happy.

Original poster
Incredibad · 28/09/2021 14:16

Yes Marilyn that’s him. Since then it’s just become even more clear that whether it’s depression or something else he doesn’t have it in him to have a serious relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
Incredibad · 28/09/2021 18:05

I’ve said we need to talk tonight. Just feel so heavy and sad, also scared I’ll be alone and won’t meet anyone else. I know that’s a selfish way of looking at it.

OP posts:
2orangey · 28/09/2021 18:26

@Incredibad good luck with 'the talk'. I saw your other thread and his behaviour (100 quid on a meal with a 'mate'' but won't go out with you??)is really odd. You deserve to be with someone who is excited to see you.

Itstimetoquit · 28/09/2021 18:30

Hope your ok,you need to be happy x

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