Sex after vasectomy

[Zeezees]

Hi. Just posting to get some advice. My dh had a vasectomy in April after I found out I was pregnant in February. We already have 2 dc and neither of us wanted anymore children especially me so I had a termination. I was taking the pill and as far as I was aware I hadn’t missed one. I kept the packets for a while to make sure I never missed one but clearly something happened for me to fall pregnant. The termination as a traumatic experience and my dh seeing how much it affected me offered to have a vasectomy. We discussed it a lot before he asked our Gp to refer him so it wasn’t just a knee jerk spare or the moment decision. The procedure went well and he recovered as expected and we didn’t have sex for a long time as I was nervous about relying on condoms. But we had a night away in July
and then again in august so we had (protected) sex. It was a bit fumbly as we were both a bit nervous and we’d both been drinking but it was still good and all was fine. From then on we continued to have regular time together and engaged in a lot of foreplay which we’ve both been happy with. He provided a semen sample to the clinic in July and we were both eager to get the results obviously hoping the procedure was a success. We got the results two weeks so we waited around 7 weeks. I think we both built up in our heads that sex would be what it was like before I got pregnant but unfortunately this hasn’t been the case. We had sex last week for the first time without using any form of contraception which was the first time in 7 months. The foreplay was amazing as usual but when we had sex I thought I felt my dh go a bit soft. He carried on going and said he was fine and he climaxed but it just didn’t feel as it used to. He booked a day off work on Friday as the kids were at school and I had booked a days annual leave months ago. It’s rare we have time to ourselves alone in the house so we were both really looking forward to having that time together. We got into bed and were having fun together and then I noticed he’d gone soft. We carried on and he got his erection back but when it came to dtd I was about to get on top and he lost his erection completely. I felt like absolute shit but didn’t make a big deal about it yet my dh said he could tell I was upset. I mean I was but i didn’t want to let it show. I asked him if he was ok and why he thought it happened and he said he was worried about letting me down as he didn’t want it it to last for two minutes and that’s that. I assured him it was only our second time since him getting the all clear and I didn’t expect him to go forever which made him chuckle a bit as it lightened the mood. But I am a bit worried. We have an amazing relationship, we get on so well, spend equal time together and apart so have a decent work/home/family balance that we are both happy with. So yeah I don’t know if I’m over reacting as I know this happens with men from time to time. I guess we had both built it up in our heads what it would be like and maybe we’d put pressure on ourselves. I’m 39 dh is 44 and we are both fit healthy have no medical conditions don’t drink to excess etc so I don’t think that it’s something physical. My dh assures me he loves me still fancies me etc and I feel the same way about him. I adore him think he is attractive he’s loving makes me laugh etc so we have no worries there. I’m just worried that this issue may continue going forward. I know we aren’t kids anymore but we aren’t old either and I don’t want this to be it now for either of us.

I would still send DH for a physical and bloodwork to rule out any physical causes. Erectile dysfunction is often the first symptom of heart disease. Diabetes can also cause it, and even fit and healthy people can develop type 2 diabetes. There’s also enlarged prostate gland which happens with ageing.

You sound a lovely couple. Do give it time, don't expect everything to immediately just slit back into place again (pardon the pun),:but you've both been through a lot, with the termination and your DH having the vasectomy.

You have a loving relationship so maybe take the pressure off each other to "perform", allow things to happen naturally and give each other reassurances about how you feel. Things will find their level in time, it is still early days yet. No harm in DH getting checked out to rule out anything health-wise.

Good luck x

Oops slot that should say!

Sounds like performance anxiety, once it get in your head it’s hard to deal with, maybe put intercourse on the back seat for now and use hands / oral a few times to get things “moving” before going back to intercourse
Good luck

Maybe he feels castrated. Which is ridiculous of course but the timing makes sense

Just one thought. Your post reads all about how shit you feel. Have you explored what it might feel like having your masculinity removed via vasectomy? Perhaps a little more focus on his feelings may be a way forward as it has obviously effected him emotionally. I know it's a tough one to contemplate that something with a penis might have feelings but seriously, he probably feels like absolute shit too and less of a man.

I don't know- but I'm thinking from 'The termination as a traumatic experience and my dh seeing how much it affected me offered to have a vasectomy' that he may, even subconsciously, feel guilt or shame over causing you distress - as a consequence of piv sex. If so I'd maybe give it some time and really dont see it as a reflection of his desire for you and maybe try to find alternatives to piv for a while to take off the pressure?

Well you have had barely had any sex so that's likely the problem.

And ffs don't ask him if he feels emasculated or castrated.

It sounds a bit like he's having anxiety due to you getting pregnant before. Obviously you both know the successful vasectomy will prevent that happening again, but it's probably subconsciously putting him off.

Give it a bit longer, and if it's still happening then maybe he could consider some medicinal assistance. Tadalafil tends to work more subtlety than sildenafil, and both are available to purchase easily online, he wouldn't have to go and see his GP.

Good intimacy stems from the satisfaction of emotional and physical needs of both partners so is there any wonder why it is so easily lost?!

s soon as you put other factors in to the equation, anxiety over performance, sperm count and fear of getting pregnant, guilt over causing an unwanted pregnancy, trauma over seeing your partner suffer etc you can see how easily intimacy can suffer even in the most suited of couples.

I would suggest you take the pressure off completely and talk about all your concerns, try and laugh together again, bring back the emotional connection and go from there.

It's not uncommon for sex drives to disappear and not come back if there are underlying emotional issues or where there are performance related insecurities ( many men don't want to discuss it and would rather wank in private for sexual relief rather than face issues over their performance).

The more pressure the worse it can get so don't be surprised if this is now your new normal.

There is nothing like an upset partner to kill off libido in a sensitive man.

Hi. Thanks for your replies. As far as our relationship goes I think we have a strong emotional connection. We laugh a lot, we make time for alone time when we can, there’s lots of hugging, kissing, general affection etc. As far as I’m aware I’ve not put my dh under any pressure, I was the one who suggested taking things slowly. We’d talked about him having a vasectomy before I got pregnant as we both agreed that our family was complete. He doesn’t feel like he’s lost an element of his manhood, more relieved that we can move forward and look forward to an active sex life without the worry of me falling pregnant. Those are his words not mine. As far as I’m aware he’s never worried about performing before, I’ve certainly not made him feel that way intentionally. I know the lack of sex this year might have played a part but I was so anxious about falling pregnant again that I just didn’t feel comfortable. Dh agreed that we should wait and he seemed ok with this especially since we regularly did other things and of course he sorts himself out probably once a week or so. We both agreed at the time this was fine and we had no issues with him loosing his erection. Oh I didn’t know maybe I’m overthinking things. When I said I felt shit I meant more about my dh feeling worried about performing. I hate the thought of him feeling that way it really upsets me thinking he feels that way.

This is going to sound crass, but if he is getting worked up in his head about not lasting/your pleasure, take that out of the equation: give him a start to finish Blowjob. Help him feel comfortable and relaxed around sex/orgasms again.

It does sound as though you have both had some traumatic experiences around sex with the termination, lots of worries about making sure your contraception was in place each time and then recovering from the vasectomy.

After all of that sex post-vasectomy has been built up into 'it must be mind-blowing' when really you haven't been having much sex for a long time and when you have it's been with worries.

I'd settle down for having a lot of distinctly average sex with no expectations of possibly either of you having an orgasm but the main aim of you both finding it fun again. And then the pair of you will get your groove back.

It sounds like an amazing relationship. You communicate well. Maybe as he has lost his erection a couple of times he might have a bit of performance anxiety. Stick to the foreplay for a bit an it might just naturally feel relaxed for you both with the Pressure being offx

@Zeezees

Sounds like a complication from the vasectomy to me. I have a similar problem since my vasectomy and it is pretty distressing. I now collect similar stories at www.reddit.com/r/postvasectomypain

Bottom line is that the problem may get better over time or may not. If it does not get better on its own it may get better with a vasectomy reversal.

Although it is understandable that people tend to guess that this is a psychological issue, there is not really any evidence that it is psychological. He had surgery on his spermatic cord, and a lot of nerves got cut there. It seems pretty straightforward to say that if things feel different for him it is because of the surgery.

Does your husband have any chronic pain from the vasectomy? This tends to go along with the disappointing climax thing.