What do I do?

[FluffySparrow]

I wasn’t sure where to post but have gone with Relationships over Mental health but I think the relationship issue can’t really be worked on unless some movement is made on the mental health front.

Been married for nearly 12 years. We have both worked throughout the pandemic me from home him going to the office. I was ill and had major surgery. It wasn’t a pleasant time with me focusing on getting through it and recovering. His job was increasingly stressful and things weren’t helped with one of his friends dying unexpectedly. He took a promotion that he didn’t really want and things got worse. He had an affair and moved out, he moved back in and has now moved back out - in the space of four-five months. He thinks (and I agree) he is depressed and is suffering from anxiety and he says he is unhappy. He was/is also drinking, on average, 50 units a week. First he said he wouldn’t talk to anyone, then he said he would, and go to the doctor, but he hasn’t.

Less than three weeks ago we were on holiday and having a fabulous time. He was moving from the promotion back to his old role (he thought would be less stress) and I was waiting to see what happened after this hoping that things would be better with his stress levels and we could work more on us. I knew he was anxious and worried about moving back to his old role (he didn’t want people to see him as a failure) but before he moved back to his old job he moved back out. He says he wants to be in a box away from people. When I ask him what he wants (with us) he says he doesn’t know.

I can see him throwing away his career, our marriage, what we have together and all we've worked for. He seems to be projecting onto me all the things that are that are causing him stress/worry and not dealing with anything else. Communication between us at the moment isn’t great.

I don’t know why I’m posting - help, support, advice, reassurance? I am so sacred about what might happen. I feel so lost. I don’t know what to do.

I think you’re a saint and he doesn’t deserve to you. He needs to get help, and living apart whilst he does may be beneficial.

You ask what you should do but your entire post is about him, his stress and his reactions. He has treated you terribly and there are no excuses.

Firstly, how are you? :) Secondly, what do you want from life?

Let him go and be by himself....you cannot fix him. He has to fix himself. You, on the other hand must focus on yourself. You seem to gloss over the affair bit. This must have caused you major upset yet you do not write about it. He will most likely have another affair or will still have feelings for her as he is still very flaky about your relationship. He has destroyed your marriage. Time for you to claim your life back without him and move on. I doubt this will have a happy ending with him in it sadly.

Thank you for your replies. Apologies for not posting again until now. It’s a bit of a difficult time and I do appreciate your responses.

@Bellyups – I can see some advantages to living apart in the short term but I suspect it is his effort to pretend nothing is happening. He does need to get help but I fear he won’t as moving out makes life more pleasant for him.

@Womaninthistown – My post is about him as he is the one with the mental health issues and the one causing the problem. I’m not doing so well (thank you for asking) but I guess I have some advantage over him in that I know what I want from life. He seems completely confused but while acknowledging there are problems seems to think the best way of dealing with them is to hide.

@litterbird – Thank you for your post. I absolutely agree he has to fix himself. He is in the process of destroying our marriage. As for his affair – with everything that has happened over the last two or so years that was just another thing to add to the list. Moving on isn’t so easy. I wouldn’t move on if he had a broken leg or a stroke or a cardiac arrest so I don’t think I should move on because he has mental health issues. Should he have moved on when I was sick and couldn’t feed myself or go to the toilet by myself or was vomiting? He is flaky about the marriage and he is selfish but it is horrific watching someone you love, essentially, destroying their life and what they have worked for.

Moving on isn’t so easy. I wouldn’t move on if he had a broken leg or a stroke or a cardiac arrest so I don’t think I should move on because he has mental health issues.

Mental health issues don't make you cheat. He chose to do that, repeatedly. He is destroying your marriage all on his own, don't sacrifice yourself for him and his bullshit.

"Moving on isn’t so easy. I wouldn’t move on if he had a broken leg or a stroke or a cardiac arrest so I don’t think I should move on because he has mental health issues"

But you are not writing about those things; you are writing about him and his drinking. Like many posts of that type too, its mainly about the alcoholic and your post is indeed mainly about him. Moving on is never easy but its a lot easier than trying to remain in such a marriage.

You are likely also badly underestimating (as is he) how much he is actually drinking. And why are you counting units here anyway?. That action is not productive won't do you any good either.

What did you learn about relationships as a child; who taught you how to be codependent because that state you're now in has and will do you no favours. Put your own self first now before he further destroys your life and self worth. No-one forced him to have an affair; he chose to be unfaithful of his own free will.

You can only help your own self ultimately. You still have a choice re this man.

"He is flaky about the marriage and he is selfish but it is horrific watching someone you love, essentially, destroying their life and what they have worked for."

He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him as well and he could still choose to drink afterwards. That is his choice ultimately and furthermore you do not have to watch him destroy his own self and take you down with him.

He hasn't stuck by you though has he? When things get tough, he shags someone else and moves out. It does sound like you are excusing his affair by putting it down to his MH when they are 2 separate things. He was able to have fun with someone else while claiming 'depression'.
At the least don't let him think of moving back in until he's proved he's addressed his bad habits and sought help for his MH issues.

I could have written much of this. My DH has chronic depression which he has cycled in and out of in our 23 years of marriage. This year he has been as bad as I've seen him, has had an affair, is in the process of moving out and doesn't know what to do with himself.

He also started a more stressful job at the beginning of this year and it has destroyed his MH, the rest is a reaction to it in my view. He's currently swimming in an alternative reality.

I want to stand by him as like you I see it as him being ill, though those who do not live with someone with MH issues may not see it like that. However, DH has started therapy (for the first time) so I see this as a step forward. This will also allow us to start marriage counselling as previously they refused until he got help himself...

It is hard to deal with, and difficult for those outside the situation to understand. PM me if you want a chat.

But most importantly look after yourself , you need to put yourself first, as he will not do that until he comes out from under the depression.