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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship advice needed.

13 replies

Dolly95 · 27/09/2021 15:28

Looking for some relationship advice. My partner moved in with me pretty early on in the relationship. We’re in a lesbian relationship and have been together almost a year now. I have a young child and she co-parents my child with me and she’s a good parent to him, but she has a few issues as every human does I’m sure. We’ve become financially broken for the past few months, in order to help us out I decided to take a part-time job. Part-time being so I can still look after my young son. She says she wants a job and does apply for a few but when it comes down to interviews and going to speak to them in person she always has an excuse which is usually she woke up late, she’s too tired, she feels ill. If I’m honest, it’s starting to annoy me a lot. I pay every single bill, we have a joint universal credit claim which I always send her half to her and she will contribute in the way of going halves with me on the food shopping and then the rest is hers. It’s down to me to pay rent, council tax, electricity, heating, water etc. I got paid 2 days ago and I’m left with just under £20 to last me the week until I get the child benefit. I had to pay £30 for her taxi to her doctors appointment as she refuses to change her doctors to one closer by and likes to go to the one further away from when she used to live in that area. I’ve asked her for the money back for it and her response was ‘how? I don’t get enough money’. Little does she know, I funded this with my credit card that I had to take out as we are struggling so bad right now for money. Within days of having this credit card, I already owe a lot back as I’ve had to buy this that and the other. Another issue is her sleep, she doesn’t come to bed until 4/5am as she says she ‘can’t sleep’ so when she comes to bed she will sleep until the late afternoon and apparently is still tired. Then the cycle repeats. She will do housework every now and again, we take it in turns so there’s no issue with that as she does a fair bit round the house. Do I have a right to feel this way regarding the money situation? Her brother will also come round as often as he possibly can and stay for weeks on end, in this time she will take full advantage and get him to buy her tobacco when she runs out of it and other things she needs. I’ve expressed multiple times I don’t want him staying here that long as it’s just unreasonable, he sleeps on the sofa and he also sleeps all day long (they are basically the same apart from he has a full time job). I just don’t know what to do anymore, my little boy has moved to full-time hours at nursery now as I don’t trust her to look after him in the mornings if I’m working because she will fall asleep and I’m not putting my son in that situation. But in order for him to stay full-time hours she needs to get a job within the next month. She knows this and says that she will, but I’ve got a gut feeling that she isn’t going to stick at it due to the type of person she is. She has no time control what so ever, is late to literally everything, even when I’ve asked her to pick my son up from nursery when I couldn’t, there’s always a reason why she’s late. I feel like I’m her mother who’s constantly nagging her and she makes me feel like it with the amount of times she will tell me I’m nagging and that she will do what she wants etc. Am I better off sticking around to see if things change or just ending it? I I obviously don’t want to end the relationship as I do love her but I’m putting everything in and feel like I’m getting barely anything in return 😕

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 27/09/2021 15:36

I doubt she's going to change tbh, I think you and your son would be better off on your own

JengaCupboard · 27/09/2021 15:40

This is cocklodging without the cock.

No functioning adult lives like this. I'm sure somebody will say different/excusing it, but refusing to work and sleeping all day is not the behavior of someone who is EVER going to pull their weight/equally contribute or prioritize anything over their own laziness.

altmember · 27/09/2021 15:44

She's a cock lodger (sans cock). You shouldn't be handing over half of your joint UC money as a good chunk of it will be to help provide for your son, which it sounds like you're doing solely from your remaining half?

Only possible way for your relationship to survive is if you kick her out and live separately, with separate finances. It all sounds very rushed - moving in together, and co parenting your child all within 12 months. And now you're finding out that it was a mistake, you didn't know her well enough. None of this is fair on your child.

Justcallmebebes · 27/09/2021 15:58

You're taking money from your child to pay for her lazy lifestyle and tobacco. That's what it boils down to.

If you do love her and want to save the relationship give her a deadline to get her act together and get a job. The job market is very buoyant at the moment so if she puts her mind to it, she should find employment pretty quickly and easily. If she fails to do so then you should end the relationship because this will become a huge problem the longer you let her get away with this and you will become very, very resentful

samwitwicky · 27/09/2021 16:07

End it. She doesn't need to, she's comfortable with you finding her lifestyle. You need to put your kid first

samwitwicky · 27/09/2021 16:07

@samwitwicky

End it. She doesn't need to, she's comfortable with you finding her lifestyle. You need to put your kid first

Funding*

thenewduchessofhastings · 27/09/2021 16:08

There's literally no reason for her not to be in full time work;the hospitality industry and care industry is on its knees and absolutely desperate for staff.She has no commitments.She's just lazy.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/09/2021 16:23

Put your child first and end this relationship. Your partner has no respect for you whatsoever and is merely sponging off you. She is a user as sees you as a mug/soft touch; to her you have "MUG" written on your forehead.

ChargingBuck · 27/09/2021 16:37

I had to pay £30 for her taxi to her doctors appointment as she refuses to change her doctors to one closer by and likes to go to the one further away from when she used to live in that area. I’ve asked her for the money back for it and her response was ‘how? I don’t get enough money’.

Note her use of "get" rather than "have" or "earn".

Your g/f is a clitlodger who is happy to sponge off you at your & your child's expense. She has no intention of getting a job, & is happy for you to subsidise her brother too.

You can't trust her with your child - because you know she is not good enough for him. Ask yourself - how is she good enough for you?

Bananalanacake · 27/09/2021 16:37

I'm trying to ask this gently but why did you let her move in without a job and therefore no way of paying her share. How did she pay for her home where she was before?

Dolly95 · 27/09/2021 16:45

Before she lived with me she lived with her ex, they had their own place together and she had a job. She kept complaining about how it was too far, she didn't like it and then she decided to quit her job after moving in with me. It was a matter of days before she quit her job. I have no idea what went through her head but she didn't seem phased in the slightest just that she now has no money, she said she would look for other jobs but played on 'I'm sick' because she needed blood tests from the doctor. They all came back normal, as did her scans. She seemed fine to me, just tired and grumpy. So UC is now trying to push her into work, and so am I, and basically she doesn't like it. I've had a chat with her and told exactly how I feel about it and she keeps saying she will get a job blah blah, but I don't believe her. I've gave her a deadline guys, if she doesn't get a job by next week, she's packing her shit and moving out. It might be the kick up the backside she needs.

OP posts:
Bonheurdupasse · 27/09/2021 16:48

Well done OP.

Keep to your word next week, don’t let her fob you off with a sob story / false promises.

Dolly95 · 27/09/2021 17:30

Thank you to everyone who gave their advice. She's currently looking into 'disability payment' but that isn't going to get us money and if she doesn't get a job my son will lose his hours at nursery so I've reminded her that no, she needs to get a job.

OP posts:
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