Dating - getting in the right headspace

[littleloopylou]

Left my abusive husband two years ago, and now I am finally dating.

It's been a rocky start, but I have now met a guy who seems worth talking to at least. We have only been on two dates, but I can really only meet up every other week anyway.

I can already see that I am hot and cold, anxious about what it all means etc. I am aware this is early in the dating relationship to be thinking about this but I think it is time to meet men and date, as I also think the only way out of this headspace is to push through the anxiety.

My ex just hurt me so much that i am terrified of being vulnerable. I don't even understand what I am looking for, other than companionship (and maybe sex - but again that raises vulnerability issues).

Interested in whether anyone has words of wisdom or advice!

Definitely knowing what you want from dating helps to stick to your principles, be very open and honest and that you can only commit to once every two weeks, think whether being exclusive is important to you and bring that up so you know exactly where you stand with him.
I would be very cautious with your feelings don't open up too much unless it does develop into a serious relationship.

@seensome thanks - that all seems sensible. I wish that I had more time to date, as I think it would be good to diversify my portfolio of men / be nonexclusive for some period of time.

Any thoughts from the Thursday crowd?

Congrats on leaving your dickhead ex! How did you deal with the fallout from your marriage? Did you do any counselling, talk it out properly with friends or have time to work on yourself at all? If not, perhaps that might be a good idea before trying to force yourself back into what you may feel is the “danger zone”.

Other than that, one thing I can recommend is giving yourself a set amount of time where you want to date/have sex if you want, JUST for fun. No relationships. There are quite a lot of men (shock!) out there looking for similar and it might be quite a self esteem boosting process without that angst of “where is it going?” I did it myself after a long relationship broke down and thoroughly enjoyed that time. No pressure because you’ve set your boundaries and aren’t waiting for someone else to decide if you’re “good enough” etc.

Strength to you!

If you can only meet up once every other week then you probably won't find a relationship as such....but.....thats good news. It means you dont have to have any pressure on yourself and just date a different man every 2 weeks or if you get a second or third date out on one person thats great too. Take your time, the damage your ex has done to you will take a while to heal and spreading your wings a bit is a great step to moving forward.

@FoxgloveSummers thanks! I have never, ever been into casual sex/dating, but... maybe it's time?

@litterbird that is an interesting perspective. I suppose it might be interesting just to have the experience of dates - though I'm naturally introverted, so it may feel boring or annoying to bother meeting up just for the sake of it iyswim

Maybe it is time! I think some light hearted dating can be fun in the right headspace - like now when you really aren’t ready to get serious

@FoxgloveSummers

Maybe it is time! I think some light hearted dating can be fun in the right headspace - like now when you really aren’t ready to get serious

I haven't dated in 30 years and this feels like good advice although I'd have to think a lot about being lighthearted and what the right headspace would be.

@TimeToDateAgain this is hilariously relatable. I usually overthink things way too much to be casual! Even the concept of being casual.

@littleloopylou I also came out of an abusive relationship. Started online dating about 5 months afterwards but still felt anxious about it all and not in a good space. I met someone about a year after my split who wasn't my forever man at all but was fun and devoted to me so that helped rebuild my confidence in myself. I saw him for a year and then felt ready to take on a proper relationship. So all in all, 2 years from my split. What helped me was not jumping into anything too emotional and heavy and just being with someone nice/decent so I could work out what I wanted in myself. If online dating now, I try to meet ASAP or at least do a video call quickly so I can gauge whether it's worth meeting. I can do most weekends because I have the childcare but with my casual ex, I saw him fortnightly (as he had kids) and was fine with that, so don't write yourself off in that respect.